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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Haagen-Dogs

    | USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (I work in a grocery store and know that store manager, who is my neighbor.)

    Me: “Hi, did you find everything okay today?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes, you guys actually have my favorite ice cream!”

    Me: “Well, that’s good.”

    (I pick up the box of the ice cream and notice a dog on it. Then I notice the name “Purina”.)

    Me: “Ma’am, did you know this is ice cream for dogs?”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. It was in a freezer! I can’t believe [store owner's name] knows someone so stupid!”

    Me: “I can’t believe it either.”

    Judge Me By The Content Of My Crustaceans

    | New Hampshire, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink

    (The customer approaching the seafood counter is an older male with a VFW hat and an American flag patch on his coat.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I want some white shrimp.”

    Me: “Raw or cooked?”

    Customer: “Raw.”

    (I lead the customer over to our raw case and continue talking as he starts reading the tags. It’s dead winter, so all our white shrimp are from warm South East Asian countries.)

    Me: “We keep our raw shrimp over here. What size would you—”

    Customer: “White shrimp! I want WHITE shrimp! Not from any of these raggedy-a** countries.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Weekend Roundup: Prank You Very Much

    , , , , | Not Always Right | Roundups

    Prank You Very Much! Happy April Fools’ Day, readers! This week, we share five stories that show the foolish hazards of pulling a fast one!

    1. Impractical Jokes:
      Guys, take note: a fake stabbing to freak out your wife might result in a real stabbing—by your wife!
    2. Bohemian Nobody:
      Customer, oo-oo-oo-ooh // Didn’t mean to make you cry // If you’re not back again this time tomorrow // Go away, go away // Your pranks don’t really matter…
    3. Prankin’ Like It’s 1929:
      This elderly caller’s prank is probably older than your grandparents, but he proves laughter IS the best medicine—especially when it’s at your expense!
    4. Your Prank Got Spanked, Part 2:
      A caller learns the hard way that if you’re gonna prank an employee, at least be original!
    5. Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat:
      Note to prank callers: your cat is NOT a get-out-of-jail-free card!

    PS: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    They’re A Fungus Among Us

    | Texas, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a cashier at a grocery store and a customer comes in to return an item.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need to return these mushrooms.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, was there something wrong with them?”

    Customer: “Yes, they’re a fungus!”

    Me: “Oh, they have something growing on them?”

    Customer: “No! They are a fungus. I’m not eating any fungus!”

    Wilhelmina Wonka & The Chocolate Bakery

    | Florida, USA | Food & Drink

    (I am behind the bakery counter and a woman goes to the bread wall and picks up a loaf of clearly marked “Whole Wheat Italian 5 Grain” bread that happens to be covered in seeds.)

    Customer: *brings loaf to me* “Is this chocolate bread?”

    Me: “Um, excuse me?”

    Customer: “Is this chocolate bread? It’s a dark brown color like chocolate.”

    Me: “It’s ‘Whole Wheat Italian 5 Grain’ bread. It’s labeled right here.” *shows her the label*

    Customer: “Okay, as long as it’s not chocolate bread. My husband is on a diet and cannot have chocolate!”

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