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  • If You’re Naughty, We’ll Cart You Off

    | South Dakota, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (A mother with two young children enter the store. Upset because she can’t ride in the car-shaped cart, the little girl sits on the floor and throws a fit.)

    Mother: “Come on, honey. We don’t have all day.”

    Daughter: *continues to pout*

    Mother: *exasperated* “Seriously, come on or I’ll leave you here!”

    Daughter: *continues to pout*

    Me: *to the daughter* “You know what we do with kids who aren’t with their parents? We put them to work… hard work! We will make you go get carts. It is no fun…” *a coworker getting carts comes inside, so I turn to him* “Just ask him!”

    Coworker: “My mom left me here five years ago!”

    Daughter: *darts up and runs to her mother*

    Mother: *to us* “Thank You!”

    Related:
    Ah, Parents

    They Won’t Move A Muscle, Although They Can Move You To Tears

    | Virginia, USA |

    (We have an aisle at our grocery store that is split down the middle by food displays, making two very narrow aisles on the sides. One aisle is blocked by my coworker, who is busy is explaining to several customers how to tell if food is safe since we just lost power after a large storm. The other aisle is blocked by another customer looking at the labels of juice bottles. I am trying to get down the aisle and excuse myself past the customer.)

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I shouldn’t have to be the one to move. I’m the customer! He should have to move.”

    Me: “Oh, well I—”

    Customer: “I mean I’m the customer! He’s blocking the way! Employees should be moving, not the customers!”

    (I walk past the lady and start picking up groceries further down the aisle. The customer then decides to go after my coworker, who is still busy helping other customers.)

    Customer: *to my coworker* “Sir, you really need to move! You’re blocking the aisle!”

    Other Customer: “Ma’am, it’s not that big of a deal.”

    Customer: *to my coworker* “No, you need to move! I’m the customer! I shouldn’t have to move!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry. I’m moving out of the way.”

    Customer: “That’s right! Customers shouldn’t have to move!”

    Greetings & Confrontations

    | Missouri, USA | Bizarre

    (An older customer walks in the store. We usually try to greet every customer as they walk in.)

    Me: “Hi!”

    Customer: “Hi there. How are you?”

    Me: “I’m pretty good. How about yourself?”

    Customer: “Well, you might as well say you’re freaking fantastic, because no one really cares how you are anyways!” *walks off*

    A Devil May Hair Attitude

    | Illinois, USA | Bizarre

    (I am a male with long red hair. A customer approaches me while I’m stocking a shelf.)

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I actually just wanted to know if that’s your natural hair color.”

    Me: “Well, yeah, actually it is.”

    Customer: “So, what’s it like living in Hell alongside Satan?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “I mean, aren’t all gingers the spawn of Satan himself?”

    Me:  ”Umm, no, we aren’t. That was just an old superstition.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I was wondering what I should prepare for for when I get there!”

    Semper Bye Bye

    | Indiana, USA | At The Checkout, Military, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m checking out a sleazy looking customer. He’s buying a gallon of milk. To not waste bags, we’re supposed to ask if people want their milk in a bag or if they’ll just carry it as is.)

    Me: “You want your milk in a bag?”

    Sleazy Customer: “Heh, heh. No, but I’ll take the milk in your bags. You got a boyfriend, sweetheart?”

    Me: “Oh yeah. He works here. One minute…” *over the intercom* “Greg to the front please, Greg.”

    (Greg isn’t my boyfriend, but Greg is one of our stock persons. Greg is about 6 feet tall and has been training for the Marines, so he’s completely ripped.)

    Sleazy Customer: *staring at my chest* “I bet he’s a real pansy. I could be a big man for you, sweetheart.”

    (I quietly take the customer’s money and give him back his change. Greg shows up to the front.)

    Greg: *to me* “What do you need?”

    Me: “Hey baby, this guy wanted to meet my boyfriend. He keeps talking about my…milk bags?”

    (The customer stares bug-eyed at Greg. Greg, for his part, doesn’t even miss a beat. He just leans toward the customer.)

    Greg: “Sir, the last man who sexually harassed my girl? I ripped him apart with my bare hands.”

    Sleazy Customer: *turns and runs out of the store*

    Me: *to the sleazy customer* “YOU FORGOT YOUR JUG OF MILK!”

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