(The chain we are a part of has a free coffee/warm beverage deal if you buy a cup with their brand, new each year of course. A customer comes to cash registry with smoking hot cup of warm coffee and a candy bar. The cup clearly states it is from 2005.)

Me: “That’s [price] sir.”

Customer: *shouting* “What?! For one lousy candy bar? Are you insane?”

Me: “No sir, that’s for the candy bar, and for the hot beverage.”

Customer: “This is a brand new cup! I bought it last week. Don’t try to rip me off!”

(I point out the 2005 and he stares blankly at me for a second.)

Customer: “But I have a gold card! I’m entitled to coffee all year long!”

Me: “No, sir, you’re entitled to one cup. If you lose the cup, or fail to bring it, then you must pay for it.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to pay for things that I buy!”

(I have just finished ringing up a small order for a man and his 20-year-old son. Their change is only three cents, and they have already started walking away before I could hand it to them.)

Me: “Wait, I’ve still got your change, unless you don’t want it.”

Customer’s son: *doing Jedi hand wave* “We want our change.”

Me: *at the same time* “You don’t want your change.”

(We both wait a beat, then everyone in line breaks out laughing. We hadn’t practiced it, either.)

(I am ringing up a customer. She has bought one large jug of ice-cream, a bag of chips, and dip.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Just fine…. just fine.”

(I notice she’s looking me over up and down, but I try to ignore it.)

Customer: “How are you so skinny?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “How are you skinnier than me? It’s so unhealthy!”

Me: “Uh, well I’m normally like this. I exercise, and I try to stay fit.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying I’m not!? I can’t believe this. Just because I’m buying ice-cream and chips, doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy!”

Me: “I know it doesn’t ma’am. I eat ice-cream too.”

Customer: “Wait, you do?”

Me: “All the time, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh… no wonder why you’re more bigger than me. You should take care of yourself more.”

Customer: “Didn’t you have glasses on last time you checked me out?”

Me: “No, I don’t wear glasses.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Maybe you just wear them occasionally?”

Me: “No, I don’t need glasses. I’m one of the only people in my family who doesn’t.”

Customer: “But I know there was something different about you last time. I know I’ve seen your face before just on a different body.”

(I am ringing up a customer at my register; she had just told me she forgot her rewards card at home.)

Me: “Do you have a reward card? Oh, shoot. Sorry! It’s just a habit to ask for it.”

Customer: “Haha, don’t worry about it, I understand.”

(There is an elderly man in line behind her.)

Elderly Man: “They’ve programmed you!”

Me: “Haha, yeah I guess they have.”

Elderly Man: *shouting alarmingly* “They’ve programmed you! You’re some sort of robot aren’t you?”

Me: *jokingly* “Yep, I’m a robot!”

Elderly Man: *totally serious* “I knew it! You filthy robot! You’re going to kill me, aren’t you? This is some kind of government conspiracy! They sent you here to kill me! Well I won’t let you!”

(He runs out of the store.)