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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Misery Works At Companies

    | Blackwood, NJ, USA |

    (I’m a customer at a grocery store. It’s late evening, 9 pm or so. A customer is complaining about a sale price on a single bag of potato chips being one price, but they’re ringing up as another.)

    Cashier: “Sir, the tag says right here: ‘Requires loyalty card.’”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want your stupid card! Everywhere I go, they want me to get a f***in’ loyalty card! I just want my God-given potato chips for a God-lovin’ price!”

    Cashier: “Sir, as you can see, the tag shows—”

    Customer: “You know what? I don’t want your f***in’ potato chips. God doesn’t love people who don’t give their God-given discounts!” *storms out*

    (I walk up and give the cashier a second to breathe.)

    Me: “Hi, I hope your night gets better, and yes, I have my card. You have a great attitude, you did well, and the fact that you’re still smiling tells me you get these people a lot.”

    Cashier: “You sound like you have an idea.”

    Me: “3 years in retail and 15 in phone support. We get ‘em all the time.”

    From The Odd Couple To The Applauded Couple

    | Canberra, Australia | Bigotry, Top

    (I am working the day shift at our grocery store. I’m almost always working with the same two coworkers: Coworker #2 is a great, if manically excitable actor, while Coworker #1 is a very flamboyant gay who usually styles up his uniform. The customers love them, since they’re best friends and spend most of their time bantering back and forth like an odd couple. On this day, a man and a woman, both clearly tourists, walk over to the counter.)

    Man: *to Coworker #1* “Hey there! We were just wondering if you keep any good brandy in stock?”

    Coworker #1: “You are in luck, sir! What takes your fancy?”

    (From the moment he speaks, the man’s face goes from a friendly smile, to a grimace, to a particularly vicious glare.)

    Man: “OH. MY. GOD!”

    Coworker #1: *concerned* “What’s the matter, sir?”

    Man: “Are you a f**?! Oh my God, they’ve got a f** working the counter!”

    Woman: “You should be ashamed of yourself! There are children here!”

    (I won’t write out in full what they said, but the man and woman start screaming expletives at him, and accuse him of everything from raising the prices to poisoning the cigars. It’s all very bigoted and disgusting, and the other customers present are horrified while Coworker #1 is almost in tears. Suddenly, Coworker #2, who has just come out of the back, hears this and pushes through the crowd.)

    Coworker #2: “Excuse me, folks?”

    Woman: “Oh finally, a God-fearing man! Can you please get that f** out of our sight?!”

    (Coworker #2 is straight, but he pushes the man aside and grabs Coworker #1 in a tender embrace.)

    Coworker #2: “Actually, I was going to ask you to get out. But when in Canberra…”

    (In front of the whole store, Coworker #2 sweeps Coworker #1 into an overly dramatic, passionate kiss right on the lips. In abject terror, the couple flees the store. The other customers in the store break out in applause.)

    Man: “This is DISGUSTING!” *flees out of the store with his wife*

    Coworker #1: *breaks out into a huge grin* “Speak for yourself!”

    Get Your Own Employee

    | California, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

    (It is a really busy weekend at the grocery store. I am trying to restock some product, but I am being asked for help left and right by customers.)

    Customer #1: “Hi! Can you help me find the salad dressing?”

    Me: “Of course! If you’ll just follow me, I can show you exactly where they are.”

    Customer #1: “Which one do you like best?”

    Me: “Personally—”

    (Suddenly another customer interrupts us.)

    Customer #2: “Show me where the olives are!”

    Me: “Miss, they’re two sections over on the very bottom shelf.” *to the first customer* “I really prefer the red wine—”

    Customer #2: “I can’t believe you won’t show me where they are. Are you really that lazy that you can’t take the time to help me?”

    Customer #1: “Back the f*** off, lady! She’s working her a** off! You’re the one being a lazy b****!”

    (The second customer grabs her olives and storms off.)

    Me: *to Customer #1* “You’re my favorite customer!”

    If You’re Naughty, We’ll Cart You Off

    | South Dakota, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (A mother with two young children enter the store. Upset because she can’t ride in the car-shaped cart, the little girl sits on the floor and throws a fit.)

    Mother: “Come on, honey. We don’t have all day.”

    Daughter: *continues to pout*

    Mother: *exasperated* “Seriously, come on or I’ll leave you here!”

    Daughter: *continues to pout*

    Me: *to the daughter* “You know what we do with kids who aren’t with their parents? We put them to work… hard work! We will make you go get carts. It is no fun…” *a coworker getting carts comes inside, so I turn to him* “Just ask him!”

    Coworker: “My mom left me here five years ago!”

    Daughter: *darts up and runs to her mother*

    Mother: *to us* “Thank You!”

    Related:
    Ah, Parents

    They Won’t Move A Muscle, Although They Can Move You To Tears

    | Virginia, USA |

    (We have an aisle at our grocery store that is split down the middle by food displays, making two very narrow aisles on the sides. One aisle is blocked by my coworker, who is busy is explaining to several customers how to tell if food is safe since we just lost power after a large storm. The other aisle is blocked by another customer looking at the labels of juice bottles. I am trying to get down the aisle and excuse myself past the customer.)

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I shouldn’t have to be the one to move. I’m the customer! He should have to move.”

    Me: “Oh, well I—”

    Customer: “I mean I’m the customer! He’s blocking the way! Employees should be moving, not the customers!”

    (I walk past the lady and start picking up groceries further down the aisle. The customer then decides to go after my coworker, who is still busy helping other customers.)

    Customer: *to my coworker* “Sir, you really need to move! You’re blocking the aisle!”

    Other Customer: “Ma’am, it’s not that big of a deal.”

    Customer: *to my coworker* “No, you need to move! I’m the customer! I shouldn’t have to move!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry. I’m moving out of the way.”

    Customer: “That’s right! Customers shouldn’t have to move!”

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