Self-Scanning And Self-Aware

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout

(My fiancé and I are at the self-service checkout at the grocery store. We scan our one item, and we get an error message. I try again, but still get the same error message. An employee comes up to us to help out.)

Employee: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, thank you! Every time I scan my item, I keep getting this error message.”

Employee: “Oh! You have to scan your store card.”

Me: “I will, but I can’t get past this error.”

Employee: “No, sorry, you have to scan your store card first.”

(The employee scans the store card, then our item, and it works.)

Me: “Thanks! I never would’ve figured that out!”

Fiancé: *to me* “They should put up a sign, or something.”

(The employee gestures to the TWO signs in front of us that explain all store cards need to be scanned first.)

Me: “Oh, my God! After years of not working in retail, I’ve turned into one of those customers.”

Employee: “Oh, it’s okay. You didn’t blame me for it, so you’re still a step ahead!”

A Sweet For The Not-So-Sweet Old Lady

| IN, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

(I am a cashier in a grocery store that has a basket of free suckers at each register. They’re supposed to be for kids, but every now and then an adult will ask for one. We usually don’t mind. An elderly customer and her middle-aged daughter come through my checkout lane.)

Elderly Customer: “Oooh, suckers! Are they free? I want a sucker!”

Daughter: “No, those are for kids.”

Elderly Customer: “I. WANT. A. SUCKER!”

Daughter: “No, mom, they’re for little kids. You’re not a little kid, are you?”

Elderly Customer: “YES I AM! NOW GET ME A GOD-D*** SUCKER, B****!”

(I just hand the elderly customer the basket, and back away slowly.)

His Magnetic Personality Won The Day

| Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Health & Body, Love/Romance, Top

(I am an African-American male. When I was 13, I was in a car accident that has left me with a little bit of a limp since. I have two metal rods in my leg from the accident. An elderly customer comes into my lane for checkout.)

Me: “Hello, how are you today ma’am? Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Elderly Customer: “Actually, I couldn’t find this brownie mix.”

(The customer shows me a coupon for the mix.)

Me: “Oh, I can get that for you! Just a moment!”

(I start to walk away. My limp is showing, as it always is. I hear the woman speak up from behind me.)

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes?”

Elderly Customer: “I know that you guys like to walk like that, but could you hurry? I’m in a bit of a rush!”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Elderly Customer: “The way you young lazy n****** walk these days. I’m surprised your pants are even up!”

(Now I get what she’s saying, and I feel I should show her something. We keep fridge-magnets for sale near the checkout. I call out to a nearby coworker)

Me: “Hey, [coworker], can you toss me a magnet?”

(My coworker tosses ones to me, and I stick the magnet to my leg.)

Me: “My mother and I were hit by a drunk driver when I was 13 years old. I am lucky I can even walk, since my leg is held together by metal rods.”

(The customer is now screaming incoherently; the only words that could be made out are racial slurs and shrieking. My manager walks up.)

Manager: “Excuse me, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store immediately. You cannot speak to my employees like that.”

Elderly Customer: “Fine! I don’t care! I wouldn’t buy anything any n***** touched anyway!”

(The customer continues screaming the whole way out, slowly being drowned out by people cheering her out. When I look at who has been behind her in the line the whole time, I see the girl from the coffee shop next door. I have had a little crush on her for a while. She says that was the most amazing thing she has ever seen, and asks me out!)

They Taste A Bit Brimstoney

| Roseburg, OR, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Religion

Me: “Hello, ma’am, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I bought some shrimp the other day, and would like to return them.”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “The shrimp’s souls are in Hell.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well they are freezer burned, and since they are ‘burned’, that means that their little souls are in Hell. I just can’t eat anything that has been damned.”

Her Son Is The Eggs-pert

| TX, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(An elderly lady comes in, whom we all call ‘Egg Lady’. She always complains about how we bag her eggs. We used to bag them in a single bag for her. As that’s wasteful, we tried putting bread on top of the eggs, but she complained that the bread cracks the eggs. It’s gotten bad enough that the manager now makes a point of ringing her up, bagging her stuff, and carrying her bags outside. She comes in the day after Thanksgiving to buy 10 cartons of eggs, and comes to my register.)

Me: “Oh, Mrs. [Name], let me call the manager.”

(I call him over to register, and then make some small talk.)

Me: “How was your Thanksgiving?”

Egg Lady: “It was nice this time. My family came in, and my son bought me four cartons of eggs. I don’t know how he does it, but he must buy some of those government eggs.”

Me: “Government eggs?”

(The manager has come over, and is checking her out. I move to his register to log on, and check out others. The manager takes care to place the cartons one on top of the other, but is called off by another associate. Egg Lady notices I have no customers.)

Egg Lady: “I don’t have time to wait. My son and his family are expecting breakfast. You can help me load these in the car.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

(I turn off my light and go to help her.)

Egg Lady: “Yep, my son told me how he got these eggs from the government. They are genetically mutating chickens to make stronger egg shells now with all these vitamins inside of them. Only problem is that sometimes the eggs are coming out green.”

(I just smile and nod as I start to put the egg cartons in her trunk with care.)

Me: “It’s interesting what they’ll come out with nowadays.”

Egg Lady: “I might buy some of those government eggs next time. I hear you can smash them against the wall and they won’t break.”

Me: “I wonder how you crack them open, then.”

(She suddenly glares at me, and yanks the last bag out of my hand.)

Egg Lady: “How dare you laugh at me! I’m going to report you to your manager! My son told me that he had government eggs, and you’re going to mock me. If I were your mother, I’d spank your behind!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; I wasn’t meaning to laugh at you. I was just thinking out loud.”

Egg Lady: “I’m going to tell my son about you, so he can prove to you that there are government eggs.”

(She throws the last carton in, and slams the trunk. This knocks over a small crate she has in there. I hear the crunch of it hitting the eggs. The manager comes outside just as she’s peeling off in a huff.)

Manager: “She’s coming back tomorrow, isn’t she?”

Me: “Yep. I’m calling in sick tomorrow, so I don’t have to watch her crack all of our eggs to find the government ones.”

Page 44/127First...4243444546...Last