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    So Much For Spit & Run

    , | Copenhagen, Denmark | At The Checkout, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (In our store, all cash registers have a button that’ll ring a bell in out lunchroom and back room if a cashier is in danger. I hear the bell ring, and run out to find my boss, who has also run out to check on the cashier.)

    Boss: “What happened?”

    Cashier: “A customer threatened to beat me over short change, even though I gave him the correct change. He just left a second ago!”

    (My boss and I walk out the store and quickly spot the customer in question. He’s not hard to miss, as he’s now cursing at his wife.)

    Me: “Did you threaten my coworker?”

    Customer: “Yeah. So?!”

    Boss: “I’m gonna have to ask you to come back in with us so we can sort this out.”

    Customer: “F*** you!”

    (The customer runs across the road, so my boss and I run after him as quickly as possibly. We finally catch up with him on the park lawn on the other side of the road.)

    Boss: “[My name], grab his bags.”

    (Before I can react, my boss has tackled him from behind using an American football tackle and hammerlocked him before picking him up from the ground.)

    Customer: “When we get to the back room, I’m gonna punch your lights out!”

    Boss: “You’re welcome to try.”

    Customer: *shuts up*

    (We call the cops, and after a few minutes they get here. We explain everything as his wife pleads with the cops.)

    Cop: “We’re gonna let you off with a 300 kroner ticket if you apologize to every—”

    Customer: *spits on cop* “Screw you!”

    Cop: “…and now, you’re going to jail!”

    Better Than Swimming With The Fishes

    | New York, USA | Language & Words

    (Like any grocery store, we have different departments, including seafood. I work in the customer service department. Even though the phone system gives you options of different departments to connect you to them, many customers will just choose our number because it’s one of the first suggested.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store], this is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, hello, yes! I would like to speak with the fishes!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the fishes?”

    Customer: “Yes! The fishes!”

    Me: “You mean the seafood department?”

    Customer: “Yes! The fishes!”

    Haagen-Dogs

    | USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (I work in a grocery store and know that store manager, who is my neighbor.)

    Me: “Hi, did you find everything okay today?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes, you guys actually have my favorite ice cream!”

    Me: “Well, that’s good.”

    (I pick up the box of the ice cream and notice a dog on it. Then I notice the name “Purina”.)

    Me: “Ma’am, did you know this is ice cream for dogs?”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. It was in a freezer! I can’t believe [store owner's name] knows someone so stupid!”

    Me: “I can’t believe it either.”

    Judge Me By The Content Of My Crustaceans

    | New Hampshire, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink

    (The customer approaching the seafood counter is an older male with a VFW hat and an American flag patch on his coat.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I want some white shrimp.”

    Me: “Raw or cooked?”

    Customer: “Raw.”

    (I lead the customer over to our raw case and continue talking as he starts reading the tags. It’s dead winter, so all our white shrimp are from warm South East Asian countries.)

    Me: “We keep our raw shrimp over here. What size would you—”

    Customer: “White shrimp! I want WHITE shrimp! Not from any of these raggedy-a** countries.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Weekend Roundup: Prank You Very Much

    , , , , | Not Always Right | Roundups

    Prank You Very Much! Happy April Fools’ Day, readers! This week, we share five stories that show the foolish hazards of pulling a fast one!

    1. Impractical Jokes:
      Guys, take note: a fake stabbing to freak out your wife might result in a real stabbing—by your wife!
    2. Bohemian Nobody:
      Customer, oo-oo-oo-ooh // Didn’t mean to make you cry // If you’re not back again this time tomorrow // Go away, go away // Your pranks don’t really matter…
    3. Prankin’ Like It’s 1929:
      This elderly caller’s prank is probably older than your grandparents, but he proves laughter IS the best medicine—especially when it’s at your expense!
    4. Your Prank Got Spanked, Part 2:
      A caller learns the hard way that if you’re gonna prank an employee, at least be original!
    5. Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat:
      Note to prank callers: your cat is NOT a get-out-of-jail-free card!

    PS: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!


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