November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Three Is A Magic Number

| Louisville, OH, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

(We have a coworker who keeps getting obscene, prank calls. One day I answer the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: *muttering* “You can f*** me.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Could you please repeat that?”

Caller: “I said, you can F*** ME!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t do that over the phone. You’ll have to come into the store. Or perhaps you’d like to involve my husband for a threesome?”

Caller: *hangs up*

Not Just The Cream Turning Sour

| Wichita, KS, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

(This week, we’re running a deal on a certain brand of sour cream. A customer starts loading her groceries onto the belt.)

Me: “Hi! Is that it for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, dear! That’s all.”

(I make small talk with her while I’m ringing her out. Then I notice that she has two tubs of the sour cream on sale.)

Me: “I have some good news! We’re running an awesome special on this sour cream right now. If you want to grab another one, it’ll be free.”

(The customer freezes and stares at me, her eyes wide.)

Customer: “…excuse me?”

Me: “Er, it’s three-for-two? We have a refurbi—”


(I ring my manager immediately, because her transformation was, frankly, terrifying.)

Manager: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “This little c*** tried to charge me for three tubs of sour cream! Do you treat all of your customers this way? Do you ENJOY ripping people OFF and GUTTING THEM of their HARD-EARNED MONEY?”

Manager: *turns to me* “What?”

Me: “The three-for-two!” *I turn to the customer again* “Ma’am, I was trying to explain that you can get three for the price of two.”

Customer: “C***! You just enjoy watching other people’s money get snatched away. You don’t care.”

Me: “Ma’am, I promise. I wasn’t—”

Manager: “Okay, okay. Everyone calm down.”

(My manager nudges me toward the break room.)

Manager: “I’ll finish up here.”

(The customer shrieks as I make my way to the break room, demanding that I be prosecuted for larceny and threatening to call the police. Even when I am in the break room, I can still hear her. I call my girlfriend, hoping she can calm me down. My girlfriend also works in the store.)

Girlfriend: “Wait. Wait. Does this woman have purple glasses?”

Me: “…yes.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God. Yeah, babe. I’m gonna go out and buy you a nice bottle of wine; how’s that?”

(As it turns out, that woman had gone off on three other employees, including my girlfriend, on our old manager’s watch. She had been banned from the store until our new manager was hired. She actually tried to sue one of the cashiers for larceny!)

Please Turn Down The Gravity

| Washington, DC, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Math & Science

(I work as a courtesy clerk and bag boy at a grocery store. My state has recently started charging people for store-provided paper or plastic bags. Whenever possible, I try to fit all the customers’ items into the reusable bags that they give me. In this case, the customer only hands me one reusable canvas bag. I have just finished packing it as full as it will go, when the customer’s wife joins us at the register.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, that bag is way too heavy. Neither of us will be able to lift it.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you like me to get another bag and re-pack these items for you?”

Customer’s Wife: “Yes, please.”

(The customer’s wife hands me another reusable canvas bag. I finish bagging their groceries, distributing the items as evenly as I can between the two bags. I then put the bags into their shopping cart, to make room on the counter so that I can start bagging the next person’s items.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, no. These bags are still too heavy. We still won’t be able to lift them.”

Me: “I’m so sorry about that. I can get you some of the paper bags that the store provides, and help you re-bag your items again.”

Customer’s Wife: “No, no. I don’t think we need any more bags. We just need these bags to be less heavy!”

Misery In A Can

| FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I’ve just finished stocking an end-cap of soup cans. It has taken me about 20 minutes to get them all lined up properly. As I’m walking away, a little boy of about six or seven comes charging up. He kicks the cans on the bottom shelf over, sending them flying everywhere. Then he grabs two and throws them, one hitting another customer in the shin and the other smashing right through a glass bottle of cheap wine.)

Me: “HEY! What the heck are you doing, kid?!”

Boy: “My mommy said I should go make someone else miserable for once!”

Lack of Register Does Not Register, Part 3

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests

(The store is small and only has four cash registers. Three are open, and I am at the fourth doing a return for a customer, Customer #1.)

Me: “…and here’s your change. Sorry that the bread was bad.”

Customer #1: “No worries, these things happen.”

(Suddenly, another customer, Customer #2, with a full cart appears and starts unloading onto the till conveyer belt. Note that my light is off and there’s a ‘Closed’ sign on the belt.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but my till is closed.”

Customer #2: “Too f***ing bad.”

Me: “…Beg pardon?”

Customer #2: “Just put me the f*** through so I can go home!”

(I look at the other tills. All are open, with no other customers at any of them.)

Me: “I’m not actually a cashier; I’m just the closing manager. I have other things to do, so I really do need you to go to another till.”

Customer #2: *still unloading* “Listen, you little s***! I’ll f***ing choose the godd*** till I f***ing want!”

(I’m totally speechless at Customer #2’s behavior, but thankfully Customer #1 intervenes.)

Customer #1: “Excuse me, but what the h*** is your problem? He’s given you a good reason why he can’t put you through this till, and you’re blatantly ignoring it while being incredibly rude.”

Customer #2: “All those other tills are too far away!”

Me: “The next till is three feet over…”

(Thankfully, in the end he did move.)

Lack of Register Does Not Register, Part 2
Lack of Register Does Not Register