Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to return these flowers.”

Me: “Oh. Well, usually we don’t issue refunds for flowers. Can I ask what the problem is?”

Customer: “She said no.”

Me: “Let’s get you that refund.”

(A customer comes up to me while I’m stocking the shelves. She looks distraught.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I assist you in anything?”

Customer: “Yeah. My friend said he needs some more cheeseheads at his Super Bowl party. I can’t seem to find them. I found Cheese-Its, Cheese-Nips, but no heads. Where are they?”

Me: “Cheeseheads, right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a nickname for Green Bay Packers fans.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, where can I find those?”

(I am scanning a large birthday cake for an adult couple.)

Me: “Oh! Is it someone’s birthday today?”

Wife: “Yes! It’s our daughter’s tenth birthday today.”

Me: “Oh, that’s cool. My birthday’s not too far away either!”

Wife: “Really? How old will you be?”

Me: “Seventeen.”

Wife, to husband: “Oh, that was a good year. Do you remember what you did on your seventeenth birthday?”

Husband: “I don’t know. I drank seventeen beers!”

Wife: *laughs* “I’m pretty sure that my seventeenth birthday was the first day I did shrooms. But you look like a lot better kid than we were. I’m sure you won’t do any of that stuff,
right?”

Me: *pause* “That’s going to be $17.43, please.”

(I am ringing out a man and his son. He looks around 5 years old. He keeps pulling things off the candy racks and asking for them.)

Customer: “Stop, or I’m going to have to leave you here.”

(The customer turns to me.)

Customer: “What would happen if I really left him here? Would you have to call the police?”

Me: “I think we have to.”

Son: “Can I get this?”

Customer: “No. Would you know how to get home from here?”

Son: “Yep!”

Customer: “D***!”

(He laughs, pays, and leaves. I make sure he has his son with him.)

Customer: “Ma’am, I think your frozen yogurt is expired.”

Me: “Really? What brand?”

Customer: “I don’t remember. But it tasted funny last night when I ate it.”

Me: “What was the expiration date?”

Customer: “Not until next month. But it tasted funny. After I put it in the microwave, it was liquid and warm.”

Me: “You put it in the microwave?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s frozen yogurt! You have to heat it up!”