I work in the only large-ish grocery store in one of those small American towns where everyone seems to know everyone. A large and muscular customer calls me over as I’m passing.
Customer: “Excuse me. Could you tell me where the mayonnaise is?”
Me: “Sure! I can show you.”
Customer: “No, you can just tell me. Also, could you…”
I see his gaze adjust from me to behind me, and he gets a grave look on his face. Suddenly, he shouts out of nowhere, but it’s not directed at me.
Customer: “…you! Don’t.”
I turn around to see another customer. He’s frozen in place, but I can tell he was in the middle of hiding a wine bottle inside his large jacket.
Customer: *Not as loud but still sounding terrifying* “Put it back.”
The thief does so.
Customer: “Walk away, and don’t come back.”
The thief runs away, and I overcome my shock at what just happened and turn back to my customer. He seems to already know what to say.
Customer: “I’ve seen that kid around. He’s on the same football team as my son at high school. He boasted to my son that he steals booze and uses it to impress girls. When I saw him walk into the store looking all suspect, I followed him. I could tell he was waiting for when no one was looking, so I distracted you to see if he would make a move.”
Me: “So, you didn’t need the mayonnaise?”
Customer: “Nope! Thanks for the assist, though!”
Me: “Are you like a cop or something?”
Customer: “No, just a parent who can’t wait to see that little punk’s face when I introduce myself to his parents at the high school’s next football game…”
I later tell my manager what happened, and he bursts out laughing. He pulls up the camera footage of the altercation and looks shocked.
Manager: “Of all the stores to rob.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Manager: “I know that kid! He plays football with my son!”
He chose the worst store to rob that day! Teens, don’t steal anyway, but especially don’t steal in a small town!
