July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Saving Souls And Money

| Buena Park, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month, Top

( One late night, a customer comes up dressed in very stereotypical goth attire and makeup.)

Me: “Okay, sir! Your total comes to [total].”

Customer: “Look me in the eyes.”

Me: “Um… okay?”

(I look the customer directly in the eyes. He starts speaking in a steady voice.)

Customer: “You will give me a discount.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t just give you a discount.”

Customer: “Yes, you will. I am a vampire lord, and you are under my mental control.”

Me: *in the same type of steady voice* “You are a vampire lord, and I am under your mental control.”

Customer: “Very good. Now give me a discount or I will consume your soul.”

Me: “But master, as you can clearly see, I am a ginger, and it is common knowledge that gingers have no souls.”

(The customer stares into my eyes silently for a few seconds, and then breaks eye contact.)

Customer: “D***, you’re right. It was worth a try.”

(The customer pays and leaves.)

Supervisor: “Um…”

Me: “Yeah?”

Supervisor: “You’re blond.”

Me: “Really? THAT’S what you picked up on?”

Drinking Responsibly

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Underaged

(While perusing the selection of beer at my local grocery store, I cannot help but notice the enormous, brightly-colored signs posted on every available surface which proclaim: “WE CARD EVERYONE”. After choosing what I want, I head for the checkout, being sure to get my ID out along with my credit card.)

Me: “Just this, thanks.”

(The employee looks at me nervously. I’m 29, but look a good bit younger.)

Employee: “Now because this is alcoholic, ma’am, I am going to need to see your ID.”

Me: “Of course, got it right here.”

(The employee blinks in surprise, then smiles enormously and happily rings up my six-pack of hard cider.)

Me: “Do people really give you that hard a time about this? You have huge red and yellow signs EVERYWHERE. Not to mention it’s kind of, you know, the law?”

Employee: “Honey, you have no idea. Thank you for being smart. Here’s your receipt, and I hope you really enjoy that!”

Checks Are Out At The Checkout

| Portland, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Money, Top

(I am a cashier at a big grocery store. I have a customer in with her daughter in her mid-teens. The customer writes a check, but because of a store policy, a manager has to override an error that will pop up if the customer does not have at least $700 of checks in the system. My manager is at the check stand right next to me helping a customer, and knows that I need her assistance.)

Customer: “I can’t believe this is happening again! This happened last time!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Our system is just very particular. You must write a certain amount of checks or spend a certain amount of money every month in order for it to not need an ID and a manager override. I know it is a pain, and I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Well this is just f****** ridiculous. I don’t think I’m going to shop here anymore.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry that we have to do this. My manager will be here in just a second; she just needs to finish helping another customer.”

Customer: “And this is just so stupid because I’ve written checks here before!”

Me: “I understand. Our system is just very picky when it comes to checks and—”

(At this point the customer begins to dramatically flip through her checkbook, and shoves it in my face so I can see all of the entries.)

Customer: “SEE?!”

Me: “Again, I understand, but the system says you only have $300 in the system, and it needs at least $750. I know it is a bit ridiculous, but in the end it is for the company’s and your safety, and there isn’t really anything I can do about it.”

Customer: “I know it’s not your fault, but—”

(To my surprise, the customer’s daughter suddenly speaks up in my defense.)

Customer’s Daughter: “Then why are you being such a b**** to her, mom? You are so embarrassing. Maybe you should use a debit card like normal people. I’ll be in the car waiting.”

(The mother and I both stare in shock while my manager comes over and runs the check through with no further hassle. Sometimes, it’s nice when someone says exactly what you’re thinking, especially when you can’t say it yourself!)

Blocks Out The Glaring Customers

| FL, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

(My coworker has just had laser corrective surgery on his eyes. Unfortunately, he’s experiencing a much greater than usual amount of swelling in the area. His optometrist has prescribed him eye drops and told him to keep sunglasses on at all times, until the swelling goes down, as bright light causes irritation.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

(My coworker and I notice an older customer glaring at him angrily.)

Coworker: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “How DARE you!”

Coworker: “Sorry?”

Customer: “You take those off right this instant! I won’t stand for this disrespect!”

Coworker: “You mean these?” *points to his sunglasses* “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just that I had laser surgery on my eyes, and the eye doctor told me I have to keep these on because bright light makes the swelling worse.”

Customer: “LIAR!”

(The customer lunges over the counter and grabs the glasses right off of his face. She puts several bloody scratches on his forehead with her long fingernails.)

Coworker: “Oh, God!”

(My coworker clutches his face, doubles over, and staggers head-first into a wall.)

Me: “Good God, lady! Why the h*** did you do that?!”

Customer: “You young ruffians are worthless! Not showing me the respect I deserve because you want to look ‘cool’!”

(She drops the sunglasses on the ground and stomps on them, shattering them. The noise and commotion have attracted our manager.)

Manager: “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!”

Customer: “That young punk was disrespecting me with his gang stuff! I demand that you fire him immediately!”

(The manager looks at the shattered sunglasses on the ground, and my coworker, who is doubled up, moaning and bleeding.)

Manager: “Did you assault my employee?”

Customer: “I can do whatever I want to scum like him! I’m the customer, so he has to do what I say! And he needed to be taught a lesson about respect, with those stupid things on his face!”

Manager: “He was wearing those because his optometrist told him not to look at any bright light!”

Customer: “You expect me to believe that? Give me a break! Now I DEMAND to be served RIGHT THIS INSTANT!”

Manager: “I’m calling the police.”

Customer: “Good! He SHOULD be in prison! He should rot there!”

(The customer actually stands there looking smug and triumphant as the manager calls the police right in front of her, while I lead my coworker to the front office to get the first aid kit. About ten minutes later, the cops show up. My manager and the general manager of the store explain to them what happened, with the customer agreeing the entire time, still convinced the cops will be on her side. It completely blows her mind when the cops start to drag her away instead, as she goes kicking and screaming that my coworker should be the one getting arrested, not her.)

Under The Sea Meets Under The Influence

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Movies & TV, Pets & Animals, Top

(I am shopping with my four-year-old daughter. She has just seen ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the first time. She has become obsessed with Sebastian, the singing crab. As we pass by the seafood section, her eyes go wide and she zooms right up to the lobster tank.)

Daughter: “Daddy! They have crabs!”

Me: “Those are lobsters, babygirl. They’re like crabs but different.”

Daughter: *crestfallen* “Oh… so they don’t sing?”

Me: “Nope. Remember what mommy said? Real crabs don’t sing; only pretend ones do.”

Daughter: “I still wanna see them!”

(At this point a seafood counter employee walks up.)

Employee: “Hey there, little lady. Are you checking out the lobsters?”

Daughter: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “She’s fascinated by sea creatures.”

Employee: “Is that so?”

(The employee kneels down to my daughter’s eye level.)

Employee: “Would you like to see one up close?”

Daughter: “Yeah! Can I, daddy?”

(I nod to the employee, who puts on some rubber gloves and fishes a large lobster out of the tank. He kneels down again and lets my daughter get close to it.)

Employee: “Now don’t put your fingers near his feet or his mouth, sweetie. You see how he has his pincers here, and his big tail back here?”

My Daughter: “Cooooooool!”

Employee: “You want to touch him? Make sure you only touch him on his back, like this.”

(The employee pats the lobster along its back, just like one would do with a cat or dog. My daughter copies him, giggling about how funny the lobster feels. Suddenly there is a loud shriek from behind us. A middle-aged woman is staring wide-eyed with both hands over her mouth.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! What are you doing?! Put that horrid thing away!”

Employee: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “You can’t let a little girl touch a gross, ugly thing like that! Get it away!”

Me: “Ma’am, my daughter is quite responsible with animals. She holds and plays with my wife’s pet gerbils all the time.”

Woman: “You let her touch RODENTS?! How disgusting! She’s going to get a disease! You should be thrown in prison!”

(She barrels away at full speed, almost running into two people.)

Daughter: “Daddy, is that lady crazy?”

Me: “I think so, babygirl.”

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