November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Store Of The D***ed, Part 2

| Monticello, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Crazy Requests, Religion

(I work at a grocery/retail store that has a somewhat relaxed dress code for the cashiers. It is quite hot both inside and outside the store. Many of my female coworkers are wearing less clothing than usual. A customer comes to my check lane and unloads her groceries.)

Customer: “Oh, thank God. SOMEBODY around here knows how to dress in a way that pleases the Lord!”

(Right away, I know this is going to be unpleasant. I’m a transgender man with no religious belief.)

Customer: “All of these god-d*** heathens dress like streetwalkers! I’m so glad I found someone uncontaminated to handle my food!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Did you say ‘uncontaminated?'”

Customer: “Why, yes, dearie. Those worthless w****s you have to work with are contaminated by the devil! It’s too bad you have spend so much time around them, but I understand times are tough.”

Me: “Actually, I enjoy working here. I have excellent pay, flexible hours, and the opportunity to be part of a great team. I’ve made friends with several of my coworkers, and we regularly spend time together outside of work.”

Customer: “Oh, dearie, you know you shouldn’t yoke yourself to an unbeliever! But I suppose it’s hard to lead some to Christ if you don’t know them very well.”

(At this point, I’m finished scanning and bagging her groceries. She pays with her card and turns to me.)

Customer: “You know, young lady. I just feel so bad for you. You’re stuck in this awful, godless place, and I just—”

(The customer rummages in her purse and pulls out two $5 bills.)

Customer: “Take these are use them to do The Lord’s work!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t accept your money in good conscience. I happen to be one of those godless heathens you were upset about. Furthermore, I’m sorry to say that you have made a crucial flaw in your perception of me. I am not, as you said, a ‘young lady.’ I am a 21-year-old transgender man.”

(The customer begins to shout various racial, homophobic, and trans-phobic slurs. My manager rushes over to find out what’s going on.)


Manager: “Ma’am, you need stop verbally abusing the staff and leave the premises. If you don’t, I’ll be forced to call the police.”


Manager: “No, ma’am, and quite frankly I don’t care. You’re shouting some of the vilest insults in the English language at one of my best cashiers. Get your s*** and leave. NOW!”

(The customer flees, insulting both of us the whole time. The next customer in line has watched the situation unfold.)

Next Customer: *to my manager* “Excuse me. Would it be alright if I gave you both a gift card? You deserve something nice after all that.”

Me: “You don’t need to—”

Manager: “Uh, okay. Sure.”

Next Customer: “Here. Just [item] and two $25 gift cards for [coffee shop].”

(When the friendly customer gives me the gift card, his number is written on the back. We’ve been dating for almost two years!)

Store Of The D***ed

How To Make Grandma Nun Too Happy

| Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Love/Romance, Top

(I am Asian. I work as a cashier at a supermarket. Today I get one of my great-aunts in line. We chat as I am checking out her groceries.)

Aunt: “So have you found anyone yet, [Name]?”

Me: “Not yet, Auntie.”

Aunt: “Well, [My Grandma] is getting anxious, you know. She wants great-grandchildren.”

Me: “She already has great-grandchildren, Auntie. My cousins have kids, remember?”

Aunt: “Then, your parents! They want to see you married and settled with grandchildren!”

(My parents have never made any such demands of me, nor made any indication of such being expected. I remain calm and polite, as I am still at work and my great-aunt is a paying customer.)

Me: *changing the subject slightly* “I think my sister would have something to say about that!”

(My sister is both older than me and already married.)

Aunt: “Oh, yes, that’s right! She did the right thing, you know; marrying properly.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Aunt: “She married that nice [regional Chinese] boy. Not just [other Chinese], but [regional Chinese], like us. Proper. Your grandma said so.”

(I am appalled, all the more so because she’s utterly sincere.)

Me: “…I thought she was joking?”

Aunt: “Oh no! Very serious. She was quite upset when [My Cousin] married that Vietnamese boy. And all these others, gwailo (white people) and…”

(She goes on a tirade about not marrying outside the group. I am speechless.)

Me: “Your total is [amount], Auntie.”

Aunt: “Oh, I bought too much again! Ah, the boys will eat it. See you soon, [My Name]!”

(I automatically wave goodbye, still dumbfounded. Finally, she’s bagged her things and gone.)

Me: *thinking out loud* “Screw this. I might as well join a convent.”

Next Customer: “I don’t think that’d work for a bright young girl like you, sweetheart.”

(It is at this point I realize both my new customers are wearing habits and veils.)

Me: “Oh, crap! Sorry, Sisters.”

Nun #1: “Don’t be!”

Nun #2: “We heard what she said. You love who want, when you want, in your own good time.”

Nun #1: “Besides, running off to a convent doesn’t work like that these days. You need a vocation.”

(She leans forward to take my hand.)

Nun #1: “And convent life isn’t all that cracked up to be! You’re a good girl, and a lovely person. We always look for you when we stop by, you know. Take your time to figure out your path.”

Nun #2: “And if it does lead to us, at least you’ll be prepared! Either way, have faith. Bless you, dear!”

(I finish ringing them up, and they go on their way. My supervisor walks over.)

Supervisor: “You all right?”

(I shrug, dazed.)

Supervisor: “Go take your break. You’re due for one, anyway.”

(One of the weirdest and most heartwarming shifts I ever had!)

Pass The Buck To Your Manager

| IA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(I am stocking the liquor section. An older customer comes up to the register. He is wearing cut-off jeans going three quarters of the way up his thigh and a flannel shirt unbuttoned to his belly button.)

Customer: “I want the liqueur made of deer’s blood.”

Me: “Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I want that liqueur made of deer’s blood.”

Me: “Do you know the name of this drink?”

Customer: “No, but I know it is made of deer’s blood.”

(I call over the manager who deals with the liquor section.)

Me: “Do we have a liqueur made of deer’s blood?”

Manager: “I don’t think we stock anything like that. Let’s look.”

(We look for a while and I eventually take a bottle of Jägermeister off the shelf.)

Me: “Is this what you’re looking for?”

Customer: “Yes. Thank you.”

Walking A Mile With Another Man’s Candy

| Charlotte, NC, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Language & Words

(I am checking out a customer.)

Me: “Hello! How are you doing today?”

(The customer just mumbles something. I am scanning his groceries. I am almost finished when he says something to me.)

Customer: “Grab me a couple of sneakers back there.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

Customer: “Get me two sneakers from over there!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I do not understand what you are asking for.”

Customer: “Are you stupid or deaf? A COUPLE D*** SNEAKERS! RIGHT BEHIND YOU! JESUS CHRIST!”

Me: “Sir, there is no need to take that tone with me, as I am neither deaf or stupid.”

(The customer is getting furious with me. The next customer behind him in line tries to clarify the misunderstanding.)

Next Customer: “I think he’s asking for SNICKERS Candy Bars.”

Me: “Thank you. I’m sorry, sir. I’ll get them for you.”

Customer: “Never mind! If you’re too f****** stupid to understand what I am asking for, what the h*** are you doing workin’ with customers?!”

Me: “Sir, I apologized for not understanding you. But you can not and will not talk to me in that foul manner. There are children around. Even if there weren’t, you should never speak to anyone like that. That is completely uncalled for!”

Customer: “F*** you! Give me my d*** change!”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(He finally gets his things and leaves. The next customer steps up.)

Next Customer: “I didn’t understand him at first. I thought he was asking for a d*** pair of shoes!” *laughs*

Three Is A Magic Number

| Louisville, OH, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

(We have a coworker who keeps getting obscene, prank calls. One day I answer the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: *muttering* “You can f*** me.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Could you please repeat that?”

Caller: “I said, you can F*** ME!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t do that over the phone. You’ll have to come into the store. Or perhaps you’d like to involve my husband for a threesome?”

Caller: *hangs up*