November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Makes You Want To Hit The Bottle

| CT, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(I am bagging groceries for an elderly woman.)

Customer: “Now, don’t forget to pack those bags light, young man. I can’t carry like I used to.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. No problem.”

(I have packed all her groceries in plastic bags, handing her each one over the counter.)

Customer: “Young man! This bag is way too heavy! Please repack this.”

(I look inside. There is a single two-liter bottle of soda in there.)

Me: “Um, ma’am, I can’t split a bottle of—”

Customer: “Just do it!”

(I shrug, take the bottle out of the plastic bag, put it in another identical plastic bag, and hand it back to her.)

Customer: “Ah, see? That’s much better. Why couldn’t you do that the first time?”

A Bad Hair Day

| FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Health & Body, Top

(It is Christmas Eve. I have just finished a very difficult 13-hour shift, with a 2-hour commute to the small town I live just outside of. I am picking up milk. My hair is cropped short, and though I am very skinny, my uniform is shapeless except for the back brace I am wearing. As I get in line, a very drunk customer behind me turns to another customer.)

Drunk Customer: “Can you believe this [lesbian slur]? Look at her! She can at least clean herself up before coming into our town! What a fat useless c***! She’s wearing a d*** girdle! Ha! That fat will melt right off when she goes to Hell!”

(The drunk customer continues berating the way I look, and throwing insults over his shoulder. Finally I have had enough. I set my milk on the conveyor belt and spin around to face the man.)

Me: “Let’s get a few things straight! First, this is a back brace, not a girdle! I wear it because I was born with a deformed pelvis and spine, and I can very easily paralyze myself with improper body mechanics. Secondly, I have been with my MALE fiancé for five years. But at least you are right about one thing. I would look a h*** of a lot better with my hair long. I used to have long, beautiful, full curls. So beautiful, in fact, my six-year-old niece would cry every time I visited her because she lost all of her hair when she started chemo for her leukemia. So for Christmas, I cut off all of my long feminine curls and have had them made into a wig so she doesn’t have to feel ugly when she goes to school. I just thank God she lives two towns over, because after what you’ve said about me, I can’t imagine what you and the rest of the people here like you would say to a sad, sick little girl!”

(The next time I went back to pick up a few things, the manager approached me. It turned out the entire staff had donated to my niece’s cancer treatment!)

Self Checkout Is Soul Destroying

| MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Technology, Top

(I am working the control center for the self checkouts when I overhear a customer having a conversation with the self checkout machine.)

Self Checkout: “Are you using your own bags?”


Self Checkout: “Please place the item in the bagging area.”

See this story as a comic!

Just Checking

| OH, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(An older customer comes through my line. She is paying with a check, and the register tells me to check her ID.)

Me: “May I please see your ID?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

Me: “…you don’t have an ID?”

Customer: “Well, I have a driver’s license. Is that an ID?”

Six Red Flags

| TX, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

(Two customers come to my register with two baskets overflowing with groceries. They’re accompanied by four children between the ages of 4 and 11. The carts are loaded to overflowing with baby food and formula, diapers, expensive meats, cheese, beer, wine, sodas, and lots of frozen meals. They are extremely friendly and lay on the endearments quite heavily.)

Me: “So, did you find everything okay tonight, folks?”

Customer #1: “Oh, honey! Bless you! You bet we did, baby!”

Customer #2: “Woooo! More than everything! Look at these steaks! These are gonna be great!”

(The customers and their eldest two children load the first cart onto the belt. They take it, empty, to the end of my register to bag and load their groceries, since I don’t have a bagger. After several minutes, I finish ringing them up.)

Me: “Okay. Your total comes to [large, triple digit sum]. How would you like to pay that today?”

Customer #1: “By check. Let me write it up for you, honey.”

(As the first customer writes the check, the rest of the group finishes packing the groceries. She finishes writing the check and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, great. Can I see your ID to confirm a few details?”

Customer #1: “Sure, honey. Sure.”

(She opens her wallet and flips to the clear ID panel. The driver’s license inside looks really wrong.)

Me: “Sorry. Do you mind if I remove the ID from the plastic to see it better?”

Customer #1: “No, baby! Go ahead, sweetie! Help yourself!”

Me: “Okay. Ah. Do you have another form of identification, ma’am?”

Customer #1: “What’d you say, honey?”

Me: “Another form of ID? A driver’s license or something?”

Customer #1: “Honey, that IS my driver’s license.”

Me: “Actually, no, ma’am. It’s a Six Flags ID. See? The back here says ‘not government issued ID’ and the ‘Texas’ holograms are just gold puff paint.”

Customer #1: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. That right there IS my real ID, baby!”

Me: “And your check has a few routing numbers scratched out—”

(The customer suddenly snatches the check and ID out of my hands. The whole group bolts for the exit as I call for a manager. He commends me on catching them out and gets staff to put the items in the freezer for the time being. A few minutes later, I get a phone call on my register.)

Me: “Hello. This is [Store Name], register 12. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Cashier: “Hey, [My Name]. Can you get me [Assistant Manager]? I’ve got someone trying to pass a bogus check on gas and soda out here.”

Me: “Does she have [Name] tattooed across her chest in a script font?”

Cashier: “That’s her.”

Me: “Stall her. Tell her the check’s jammed in the machine or something. I’m sending him out.”

(I call the same assistant manager as before. The acting unit manager, loss prevention member, and the assistant manager book it out the door to the parking lot. By the time they arrive, the customer and her group had made a run for it, leaving the stolen check and fake ID behind. Police are called. We are questioned, and then told that the woman has no fewer than three warrants out for her arrest.)