Under The Sea Meets Under The Influence

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Movies & TV, Pets & Animals, Top

(I am shopping with my four-year-old daughter. She has just seen ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the first time. She has become obsessed with Sebastian, the singing crab. As we pass by the seafood section, her eyes go wide and she zooms right up to the lobster tank.)

Daughter: “Daddy! They have crabs!”

Me: “Those are lobsters, babygirl. They’re like crabs but different.”

Daughter: *crestfallen* “Oh… so they don’t sing?”

Me: “Nope. Remember what mommy said? Real crabs don’t sing; only pretend ones do.”

Daughter: “I still wanna see them!”

(At this point a seafood counter employee walks up.)

Employee: “Hey there, little lady. Are you checking out the lobsters?”

Daughter: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “She’s fascinated by sea creatures.”

Employee: “Is that so?”

(The employee kneels down to my daughter’s eye level.)

Employee: “Would you like to see one up close?”

Daughter: “Yeah! Can I, daddy?”

(I nod to the employee, who puts on some rubber gloves and fishes a large lobster out of the tank. He kneels down again and lets my daughter get close to it.)

Employee: “Now don’t put your fingers near his feet or his mouth, sweetie. You see how he has his pincers here, and his big tail back here?”

My Daughter: “Cooooooool!”

Employee: “You want to touch him? Make sure you only touch him on his back, like this.”

(The employee pats the lobster along its back, just like one would do with a cat or dog. My daughter copies him, giggling about how funny the lobster feels. Suddenly there is a loud shriek from behind us. A middle-aged woman is staring wide-eyed with both hands over her mouth.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! What are you doing?! Put that horrid thing away!”

Employee: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “You can’t let a little girl touch a gross, ugly thing like that! Get it away!”

Me: “Ma’am, my daughter is quite responsible with animals. She holds and plays with my wife’s pet gerbils all the time.”

Woman: “You let her touch RODENTS?! How disgusting! She’s going to get a disease! You should be thrown in prison!”

(She barrels away at full speed, almost running into two people.)

Daughter: “Daddy, is that lady crazy?”

Me: “I think so, babygirl.”

Not So Rewarding

| Calgary, AB, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

Me: “And do you have your rewards card with you today?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, it’s in here somewhere…”

(The customer proceeds to open and search through their purse while I wait.)

Me: “I can take your phone number, if that’s more convenient.”

Customer: “No, no! I can find it; it won’t take a moment.”

(The customer keeps looking as the line grows longer.)

Me: “I’d be perfectly happy with a phone number.”

Customer: “You young people are so impatient these days!”

(My line has now grown by at least five customers, who are starting to look restless. The customer is searching her wallet.)

Me: “You’d be able to leave much quicker if you’d—”

Customer: “Oh, for goodness sake! Do you really think I’ll just give your my phone number that easily? That’s personal information! How do I know you won’t call me later trying to sell me something I don’t need?”

(I am speechless.)

Customer: “Oh… you know what? I think my husband has the card; he was going to use it tomorrow. My phone number is [number]!”

How The Cookie Crumbles, Part 2

| Welches, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids

(I am in line to get cookies for my second grade class that I teach for the last day of the semester. I am rather thin, have blonde hair that’s very long and dyed, and I have high heels. I am speaking to the clerk.)

Me: “Hey, can I get these for my class?”

(I’m pointing to a selection of pink writing icing. The customer behind me suddenly speaks up.)

Customer: “Stupid blonde w****!”

(The clerk and I look at him.)

Clerk: “Please don’t use that language in here, sir.”

Customer: “What? She is! Oh, little miss b****, what’ve you got there?”

(The customer points to my grocery bag.)

Customer: “Oh, let me guess! Lipstick and eye makeup, and daft things to go in your sissy blonde hair! Skinny underwear, and big bras, tampons and oh—let me guess, a massive box of condoms!”

Me: “Listen to me. Firstly, this is not my real hair. I’m actually a ginger, but to avoid confusion with another person at work, I dyed it blonde. Secondly, I’m buying cookies for my second graders. Thirdly, I am a virgin and have a Bachelor’s Degree. Fourth, although I am about to marry someone, I am, like I said, a virgin.”

(The customer walks out without buying anything. By the way, my class enjoyed the cookies!)

Related:
How The Cookie Crumbles

Chose A Bad Example For A Bad Example

| AL, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Top

(Customer #1 is a young woman, with two children under the age of three. Customer #2 has a daughter around age 12. Customer #1 is checking out.)

Customer #2: “How can you live with yourself? Having two children at your age? You’re a disgrace! I bet my tax dollars are paying for those groceries! People like you shouldn’t be allowed to shop here. You’re a bad example for my daughter!”

Customer #1: “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m 27. I went to a private college with a scholarship, graduated, and then became a kindergarten teacher. After teaching for two years I got married, then had kids, and my husband makes enough saving lives as a firefighter and a paramedic that I am able to stay at home with our kids. Now if that’s being a bad example for your daughter, I would love to see what you consider a good example!”

Customer #2: “Uh, well you didn’t look old enough to… um…”

Customer #1: “I’m going to take that as compliment that living right has kept me looking young.”

Bad At Math But Good At Infractions

| Ventura, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Math & Science

(My mom and I are in line at the register. In front of us is a customer with clearly a lot of things.)

Cashier: “Okay, your total comes to $15.31.”

Customer #1: “No, that’s not right. The dog food and water comes to $8.00!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry; let me try again. It still comes back to $15.31.”

Customer #1: “Look, you stupid b****! This should all come to $8.00! Old hags like you shouldn’t be f****** working today. You’re too stupid!”

(The cashier is in tears. My mom overhears this, and walks up to the customer.)

My Mom: “Now you listen, little brat. This woman has been polite, calm and patient with you. Just shut the f*** up and buy your things! Maybe if you had the intelligence to check the prices instead of relying on others, you wouldn’t be in this situation, would you? I’ve had an awful day, and I don’t want to spend the next ten minutes listening to your God-d*** mouth!”

(The customer remains silent the whole time. He buys his things and leaves. We walk up to the register.)

My Mom: “So, how was your day?”

Cashier: “Great! Thank you! I’ve been really stressed out. I really needed that.”

Me: “If you lived with us, you would hear a lot more than that!”

(We share a laugh, and the cashier gives us a discount on our things on behalf of my mom shutting the customer up!)

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