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    Sherlock Hemlock Solves The Case

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (I am the customer in this story. It’s New Year’s Day and my mom’s family has a tradition where one cooks ham hocks and beans for good luck. I’m at the store and can’t find the ham hock.)

    Me: “Excuse me.”

    Employee: “Yes?”

    Me: “Can you tell me where to find the hemlock please?”

    Employee: “What?”

    Me: “The hemlock.”

    Employee: *pause* “What do you need it for?”

    Me: “Oh, my family is coming over today and my mom is going to put it in beans.”

    Employee: “Could you describe it for me?”

    Me: “Um, it’s a part of a pig, attached to the leg—”

    Employee: “Ham hock! Right this way.”

    Nuts About Clams

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (An older gentlemen approaches me while I am stocking frozen meats.)

    Customer: “Where are the clams that are in the flyer?”

    Me: *slightly puzzled* “We haven’t had clams in this store in a long time, if ever.”

    Customer: “Well, I saw them in the flyer.”

    Me: “Do you have this flyer on you?”

    (I ask because half the time the customer produces a flyer from a completely different store.)

    Customer: “No, I don’t think so.”

    Me: “One sec, I’ll fetch the current one…”

    (A few moments later.)

    Me: “They aren’t in here, sir.”

    Customer: “Ah, there. That’s them!”

    (He points to a picture of pistachios. In all fairness, in this photograph, they do look a bit like small clams. Between the resolution of the image and perhaps the old man’s eyesight, it’s an understandable mistake.)

    Me: “Sir, those are pistachios.”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Me: “…yeah.”

    Customer: “Well, do they taste like clams?”

    Not Going To Put The Matter To Bed

    | NS, Canada | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

    (It is the day before Mother’s Day. A little boy, around seven or eight years old, comes up with his dad to buy a cake and a card.)

    Me: *to the boy* “So, are you going to make breakfast in bed for your mom tomorrow?”

    Boy: *in awe, with wide eyes* “How did you know I was gonna do that?”

    Me: “I’m psychic!”

    (At this point the dad has just finished paying, and as they are walking away I hear this:)

    Boy: *to his dad, still in awe* “But, Dad! How did she know I was gonna do that?”

    Making A Meal Out Of It, Part 2

    | Pekin, IL, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Holidays

    (I work in the deli section. The deli has special holiday dinners you order and take home. All customers are told their order is pre-cooked; they just need to warm it up. Lots of customers call and say that they were under the impression that their meal would be hot, but one customer took the cake on that…)

    Me: Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you today?

    Caller: “I ordered one of your holiday meals, and I am not happy with it.”

    Me: “Can you explain what made you dissatisfied, Ma’am?”

    Caller: “I thought it would be hot.”

    Me: “No, Ma’am. All of the holiday meals are pre-cooked. You just have to heat them up.”

    Caller: “No one told me this!”

    Me: “Ma’am, did you place the order yourself?”

    Caller: “Yes, but no one said anything about ME having to cook!”

    Me: “Ma’am, whoever took your order should have made it clear that you don’t have to cook, just use the warmer setting on your oven, or use a microwave. If you received a copy of your order form, it also clearly states that you just heat and serve.”

    Caller: “Fine. That is not such a big problem, but I paid $50 for this, and it’s not complete!”

    Me: “What is missing from your order? We can locate it, and have it ready for you to pick up from [Store] within twenty minutes.”

    Caller: “The dishes.”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Caller: “The DISHES! You know the white china in the ad? Isn’t it included? I paid $50, and you lousy workers didn’t cook it for me, OR give me the CHINA I PAID FOR!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you don’t get dishes with the meal. Only the food.”

    Caller: “Why charge me so much if you aren’t going to provide everything? Take it off the d*** ad, then! You are misleading the public!” *click*

    Related:
    From Not Always Friendly:
    Making A Meal Out Of It

    From Mumble To Stumble To Rumble To Humble

    | USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Health & Body

    (I have an inner ear condition and am hearing impaired but not really to the degree that I need a hearing aid. An older woman approaches my line.)

    Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

    Customer: *mumbles while looking at the floor*

    Me: “Um… I’m sorry. What did you say?”

    Customer: *sighs and looks to the right, still away from me, mumbling again*

    Me: “Ah, okay.”

    (I ring up her items and tell her the total. She holds up three different cards and mumbles again, but I can read her lips to understand, ‘not enough.’)

    Me: “I’m sorry. I didn’t quite catch that. Did you say you want to use all three cards?”

    (She nods and rolls her eyes, then swipes the first card.)

    Me: “All right, and how much did you want on that one?”

    Customer: *mumbles into the card reader*

    Me: “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

    (She mumbles once more, but since this is the third time I asked her to repeat herself and I’m feeling embarrassed, I just let the transaction run through as if she was using one card because I have no idea how much she wanted on there. The card is, of course, declined and she shouts wordlessly.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Could you swipe it again, please? And I’m sorry, but how much did you say you wanted on that card?”

    (AGAIN she mumbles, with her head bowed so low I can’t even see her lips to try to read them. By that point, I’ve had enough.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I really need you to speak up, please. I’m hearing impaired and you’re speaking rather softly. I can’t hear you at all.”

    Customer: “You lying b****!”

    Me: *taken aback* “Excuse me?!”

    Customer: “Lying about being deaf is no excuse for your irresponsibility! You’re young! You’re not deaf. If you were, you’d have an earpiece in! You just listen to your music too loud; all you kids do. Keep that up, and you WILL be deaf before long!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I have [inner ear condition]. I have constant, loud ringing in my ears. Several times per day I lose all hearing in one or both of my ears for anywhere between three seconds to three hours. You’re right; I’m most likely going to completely lose my hearing before I’m 40 because there’s no cure or real treatment for it beyond surgery that might not even work. So please, while I still can hear you at all, could you speak up just a little?”

    (The customer stares at me, red-faced and silent, for a few moments. Finally she swipes the card again and then looks at me.)

    Customer: *loudly* “I’d like $10 on this card, please.”


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