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    In Closed Quarters

    | MN, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (I work as a cashier at a chain of grocery stores. In our lanes, we have these little gates that you can bring down if the lane is closed. There is very little space between the gate and the belt, so customers can’t squeeze their way in. My manager comes over to tell me to go on break, and then puts the gate down as we’re rather busy at the moment and customers don’t often notice that the light is off above our register, showing we’re closed. I have one other customer still in line after we close the gate, so I hurry to finish with her.)

    Me: “And have a nice day, ma’am.”

    (I hear heavy breathing and look at the entrance to my lane after giving the customer her receipt. A man has squeezed himself through the space between the gate and the register!)

    Customer: *still breathing heavily* “Woof, that was hard to get through!”

    (I still don’t know how he got through, considering I weight about 150lbs and I can’t get through the gap without sucking in my stomach, and he had a good 50 or so pounds on me!)

    Trying To Blow Smoke

    | USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (I’m running the express lane when a lady approaches my till holding an infant of about a year old. Note: it’s October and around 68° outside.)

    Me: “Hello! What can I do for you?”

    Customer #1: *sets infant on counter * “Yes, I’d like two packs of [Brand] cigars.”

    (I go get the cigars, and as I return and start ringing up her cigars, another customer walks by who also has an infant that is in only shorts, minding their own business.)

    Customer #1: *to Customer #2′s infant* “Oooh, baby, you’re gonna get sick wearing only shorts. It’s, like, zero degrees outside.” *to me* “Some people.”

    (She happily walked away with her cigars and baby.)

    Sherlock Hemlock Solves The Case

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (I am the customer in this story. It’s New Year’s Day and my mom’s family has a tradition where one cooks ham hocks and beans for good luck. I’m at the store and can’t find the ham hock.)

    Me: “Excuse me.”

    Employee: “Yes?”

    Me: “Can you tell me where to find the hemlock please?”

    Employee: “What?”

    Me: “The hemlock.”

    Employee: *pause* “What do you need it for?”

    Me: “Oh, my family is coming over today and my mom is going to put it in beans.”

    Employee: “Could you describe it for me?”

    Me: “Um, it’s a part of a pig, attached to the leg—”

    Employee: “Ham hock! Right this way.”

    Nuts About Clams

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (An older gentlemen approaches me while I am stocking frozen meats.)

    Customer: “Where are the clams that are in the flyer?”

    Me: *slightly puzzled* “We haven’t had clams in this store in a long time, if ever.”

    Customer: “Well, I saw them in the flyer.”

    Me: “Do you have this flyer on you?”

    (I ask because half the time the customer produces a flyer from a completely different store.)

    Customer: “No, I don’t think so.”

    Me: “One sec, I’ll fetch the current one…”

    (A few moments later.)

    Me: “They aren’t in here, sir.”

    Customer: “Ah, there. That’s them!”

    (He points to a picture of pistachios. In all fairness, in this photograph, they do look a bit like small clams. Between the resolution of the image and perhaps the old man’s eyesight, it’s an understandable mistake.)

    Me: “Sir, those are pistachios.”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Me: “…yeah.”

    Customer: “Well, do they taste like clams?”

    Not Going To Put The Matter To Bed

    | NS, Canada | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

    (It is the day before Mother’s Day. A little boy, around seven or eight years old, comes up with his dad to buy a cake and a card.)

    Me: *to the boy* “So, are you going to make breakfast in bed for your mom tomorrow?”

    Boy: *in awe, with wide eyes* “How did you know I was gonna do that?”

    Me: “I’m psychic!”

    (At this point the dad has just finished paying, and as they are walking away I hear this:)

    Boy: *to his dad, still in awe* “But, Dad! How did she know I was gonna do that?”


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