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    Expressly Mannerless

    | Portland, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

    (There are already four checkout lanes open at the store but the lines are still fairly long when the following happens:)

    Loudspeaker: “Attention, customers. We have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items. Again, we have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items.”

    (Several people, including myself move over to the new lane, however we are beaten by Customer who has a cart nearly overflowing with groceries.)

    Me: “You know this lane is for 10 items or less, right?”

    Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?”

    Me: “Well, there’s the sign posted clearly right there, or, if you’re blind, she said it twice when she made the announcement that made you race over here.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, I didn’t know” *starts putting groceries on belt*

    (Because it’s still faster than moving back to one of the other lines I wait for her to finish.)

    Cashier: *when customer has left* “I’m very sorry about that. We’re not allowed to turn anybody away, even if they don’t have any manners.”

    Rotten To The Core

    | PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

    (I’m working as a cashier and doing my best to make cheery small talk with customers. An old man comes through my line.)

    Me: “Hello! How are you today, sir?”

    Customer: “Terrible!”

    Me: “Oh, sorry to hear that, sir.”

    Customer: “And how are you?”

    Me: “Um, slightly better than terrible, I think.”

    Customer: “But you have to work!”

    Me: “Yes, but I like my work and it helps pay my student loan bills.”

    Customer: “Humph.”

    (I finish scanning and bagging his items and print out his receipt.)

    Me: “Here you go. I hope your day gets better, sir!”

    Customer: “I don’t! I hope it stays ROTTEN!”

    Should Have Tried To Squirrel Away

    | Austin, TX, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names, Pets & Animals

    (After clocking off from work and grabbing a basket to do some quick shopping for dinner, I am stopped no more than 10 seconds into my shopping by an elderly customer looking for items. I am off the clock, but am always willing to answer questions while still in uniform, especially now that our location is undergoing renovation and a lot of customers get frustrated with the item relocation.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but where are the peanuts for squirrels, and the wild bird seed?”

    Me: “Well, we moved the bird seed to [Aisle #] but I’m afraid we don’t carry peanuts for squirrels. We have corn cobs and…”

    Customer: *cuts me off with a disbelieving tone* “Yes, YOU DO. I used to buy it all the time. It was over by the bananas, but now they’re not there anymore!”

    Me: *thinking maybe I had missed something* “You said peanuts for squirrels?”

    Customer: “Yes, they were raw, unsalted peanuts and they came in a clear package by the bananas. They’re not made for squirrels, but that’s what I feed them.”

    (At this point it dawned on me she was talking about one of the many kinds of specially packaged nuts we kept in the produce section. I was wondering why she had phrased the request the way she did when a well-meaning coworker who had overheard the exchange (and knew I was off the clock), came by and offered to show her where the peanuts were moved to. That was probably the funniest exchange I’d had all day.)

    Doesn’t Quite Cut The Cheese

    | ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I need a dessert for my two diabetic friends. Let me see your cheesecakes.”

    Me: “…”

    An Oscar Major Weiner

    | QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (An older man comes in as I open the store. He seems innocent enough and is roughly 80 years old. When he comes up to the checkout we make idle chat, until I’ve scanned all of his groceries.)

    Me: “That’ll be $42.99 today.”

    Customer: “I won an Oscar. Do you want to see it?”

    Me: “Sure!”

    (He quickly runs out of the store, leaving his groceries there before shortly returning. He is holding a fake Oscar, but looks very proud so I humor him.)

    Customer: “Look!”

    Me: “It’s very nice. What did you win it for?”

    Customer: “Read the inscription!”

    (The inscription says “Longest Standing Member.” By now, I was confused out of my mind, until the old man snickered and moved his hand, revealing the statue had large private parts standing out.)

    Me: *speechless, but quietly laughing*

    Customer: “My wife got this for our anniversary!”