I am working late night in the bakery department and, due to the time of day, there is very little stock left.

A middle-aged woman walks past and starts looking at the racks where the bread should be. She turns to her husband who has walked up.

Woman: “I’m sorry, they’re all out of white bread; they’ve only got brown.”

Man: “Well, you know what I’m like with that foreign muck.”

Woman: “You’re right. We’d better leave it.”

They walked off without buying any, completely ignoring me standing there, trying not to crack up.

Years back, at a store where I used to work, I had a customer I’ll call Lambchop Larry. He was an older gentleman who loved lamb. When it was on sale — maybe once every four to six weeks — he would happily ask me for fresh, custom cuts of lamb chops, which I would do for him.

Unfortunately, when the lamb was at its normal price, he would throw a fit. He would shout about how ridiculously expensive it was, sometimes causing a scene where even his friends and other customers would tell him to calm down. He would demand I reduce the price or give him a coupon, and every time, I stood firm with a “No”. Usually, my store director would have to come down, and thankfully, he had my back and wouldn’t give in, but aside from not getting a discount, Larry faced no real consequences.

Time passed, and I was transferred to another store, but I kept in touch with many of my coworkers. I ended up hearing of the time Lambchop Larry went too far.

The store had a live lobster tank out on the sales floor near the deli counter. There were several signs telling customers not to put their hands in the tank and to ask a clerk for help. As anyone who’s worked in a grocery store can tell you, most people lose their ability to read as soon as they walk in, and Lambchop Larry was no exception.

Elbow-deep in the cold, salty water, he was grabbing each lobster he could. A deli clerk asked him to take his hands out. Surprisingly, he obliged, but he had a mischievous smirk on his face. Larry then took a few steps to a large barrel of pickles that customers could buy individually. He opened the barrel and stuck his lobster-water-soaked hands into the brine.

The clerk immediately called the store director, who had now had enough of Larry’s antics. All of the pickles had to be thrown out, the barrel had to be completely decontaminated, and Larry was kicked out and banned from the store for a year.

Years later, I still shop there sometimes, and I have yet to hear about any further incidents with Lambchop Larry. I would like to think he’s learned his lesson.

I’m a professional, dressed in a suit and tie. As I’m a bit over six feet tall, I’m often asked to get things off the upper shelves for shorter shoppers when I’m shopping. If asked nicely — 99.9% do ask nicely — I’m glad to help. That .1%, though…

I have just gotten off work, and I need to buy groceries for the week. A grandmotherly-looking lady who’s maybe 4’10” asks me if I’d please get something she couldn’t reach. She is very sweet, and once I’ve gotten her item, she thanks me and goes on her way.

At that point, a man who’s maybe 5’2″ yells at me from halfway down the aisle.

Man: *Rudely* “Come get this [item] for me!”

He makes it sound like an order — no please or anything. I ignore him. This pisses him off, so he gets louder and begins cursing very loudly. I walk past him, just doing my shopping and ignoring his outburst.

Man: “Hey, dumbs***, I’m talking to you!”

I stop.

Me: “You need to lower your voice.”

Man: *Even louder* “You helped her; now f****** help me!”

Me: “She was nice and polite. You’re a jerk, so no.”

Man: *Now screaming* “I WANT YOUR MANAGER!”

I break up laughing.

Me: “When did this store’s employees start wearing suits?”

People are watching at this point. I start to walk away, but this jerk grabs my arm and tries to pull me around.

Sadly, I have a severe case of PTSD from a situation when I was a teen. I spin around and punch him his the face; I don’t mean to, but it’s a reflex to being bullied. He goes down, bleeding from his now broken nose.

People start rushing over. I’m beside myself, saying I’m sorry. The man gets up screaming about having me arrested.

I guess someone called the cops or they were already in the store as they appear in what seems like seconds.

Man: “This guy just walked up and punched me!”

A couple dozen witnesses tell the officers what really happened. One officer goes to watch the security video and comes back.

Officer: *To me* “Would you like to press charges for assault?”

Then, the guy freaked out and took a swing at a police officer. He was arrested for assault, assault against a law enforcement officer, and public vulgarity. I didn’t even know there was a law about that last one.

I found out at the trial that this was his fourth time being arrested for similar offenses and that he’d been banned from four other stores in the area. As a repeat offender, he received six years in state prison and to $10,000 fine.

Customer: “I’m only having a few people over for Thanksgiving. I don’t need a whole turkey. I just want two wings, two thighs, two drumsticks, and one breast.”

Me: “Congratulations! You just built yourself a turkey!”

Customer: “I did… Yeah… Can I change my order to one whole turkey?”

This story is part of our Thanksgiving 2023 roundup!

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I work in a grocery store.

Customer: “Hey! I don’t need anything, but can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course! What can I help you with?”

Customer: “My wife is making something called a turducken. How do they do that?”

Me: “You mean how do they make a turducken?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “They take the bones out of a chicken, duck, and turkey. Then, they stuff the chicken in the duck and the duck in the turkey.”

Customer: “Well, now I feel like an idiot. I thought they had created a duck/turkey/chicken hybrid. I was wondering how they got those animals to breed.”

Me: “No, it’s just a stuffed meal.”

Customer: “That would be some real Dr. Moreau-type s***.”