I’m a professional, dressed in a suit and tie. As I’m a bit over six feet tall, I’m often asked to get things off the upper shelves for shorter shoppers when I’m shopping. If asked nicely — 99.9% do ask nicely — I’m glad to help. That .1%, though…

I have just gotten off work, and I need to buy groceries for the week. A grandmotherly-looking lady who’s maybe 4’10” asks me if I’d please get something she couldn’t reach. She is very sweet, and once I’ve gotten her item, she thanks me and goes on her way.

At that point, a man who’s maybe 5’2″ yells at me from halfway down the aisle.

Man: *Rudely* “Come get this [item] for me!”

He makes it sound like an order — no please or anything. I ignore him. This pisses him off, so he gets louder and begins cursing very loudly. I walk past him, just doing my shopping and ignoring his outburst.

Man: “Hey, dumbs***, I’m talking to you!”

I stop.

Me: “You need to lower your voice.”

Man: *Even louder* “You helped her; now f****** help me!”

Me: “She was nice and polite. You’re a jerk, so no.”

Man: *Now screaming* “I WANT YOUR MANAGER!”

I break up laughing.

Me: “When did this store’s employees start wearing suits?”

People are watching at this point. I start to walk away, but this jerk grabs my arm and tries to pull me around.

Sadly, I have a severe case of PTSD from a situation when I was a teen. I spin around and punch him his the face; I don’t mean to, but it’s a reflex to being bullied. He goes down, bleeding from his now broken nose.

People start rushing over. I’m beside myself, saying I’m sorry. The man gets up screaming about having me arrested.

I guess someone called the cops or they were already in the store as they appear in what seems like seconds.

Man: “This guy just walked up and punched me!”

A couple dozen witnesses tell the officers what really happened. One officer goes to watch the security video and comes back.

Officer: *To me* “Would you like to press charges for assault?”

Then, the guy freaked out and took a swing at a police officer. He was arrested for assault, assault against a law enforcement officer, and public vulgarity. I didn’t even know there was a law about that last one.

I found out at the trial that this was his fourth time being arrested for similar offenses and that he’d been banned from four other stores in the area. As a repeat offender, he received six years in state prison and to $10,000 fine.

Customer: “I’m only having a few people over for Thanksgiving. I don’t need a whole turkey. I just want two wings, two thighs, two drumsticks, and one breast.”

Me: “Congratulations! You just built yourself a turkey!”

Customer: “I did… Yeah… Can I change my order to one whole turkey?”

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I work in a grocery store.

Customer: “Hey! I don’t need anything, but can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course! What can I help you with?”

Customer: “My wife is making something called a turducken. How do they do that?”

Me: “You mean how do they make a turducken?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “They take the bones out of a chicken, duck, and turkey. Then, they stuff the chicken in the duck and the duck in the turkey.”

Customer: “Well, now I feel like an idiot. I thought they had created a duck/turkey/chicken hybrid. I was wondering how they got those animals to breed.”

Me: “No, it’s just a stuffed meal.”

Customer: “That would be some real Dr. Moreau-type s***.”

I am finishing up a twelve-hour shift helping customers place their holiday catering orders right before Thanksgiving. I usually take on this role around this time of year as I’m known for my patience and customer service skills. However, even a saint will be wearing thin after twelve hours. This is my last customer of the night.

Me: “Hi there! This is our catering menu with all of our options for this year. Give it a look and let me know if you have any questions.”

Customer: “Yeah, just one. What’s the difference between the turkey gravy and the mushroom gravy?”

My brain-to-mouth filter finally snaps.

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know how to answer this question without sounding like a smart aleck, so I’m just going to be straightforward: the turkey gravy is made with turkey and the mushroom gravy is made with mushrooms.”

Customer: *Pauses* “Oh. I probably could’ve figured that out on my own, couldn’t I?”

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It’s the morning of Thanksgiving, and as always, there has been a last-minute run on turkeys.

Customer: “I need a turkey!”

Me: “We have them in this aisle, sir.”

Customer: “They’re all frozen! They won’t thaw in time!”

Me: “I’m afraid this is all we have left, sir. Today is Thanksgiving, after all.”

Customer: “I promised my wife I would get the turkey, and then I forgot! Please, you have to help me!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t help you, sir.”

Customer: “What kind of grocery store is open on Thanksgiving but doesn’t have any turkeys?!”

Me: “What kind of husband promises his wife he is going to get a turkey and decides to risk getting a fresh one on Thanksgiving morning?”

I was “thankful” he didn’t have a response to that and simply rushed off. Last time I ever worked the holiday!

Related:
Not Talking Turkey This Thanksgiving

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