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  • November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

    Dora Hasn’t Explored That Yet

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (I’m bagging a customer’s purchases when a woman and a little girl in a Dora the Explorer shirt walk by.)

    Me: “Do you know how Dora the Explorer got her name?”

    Customer: *suddenly horrified* “Uh… no…”

    Me: “Because the Spanish word for ‘explorer’ is ‘exploradora.'”

    Customer: “Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to say she was named after a porn star or something.”

    Me: “…”

    Should Have It Pinned Down By Now, Part 2

    | Williamstown, NJ, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “How do I do credit?”

    Me: “Just hit ‘credit’ when the options pop up on the pin pad. Then when it asks for a pin number, don’t enter anything, just hit the green button.”

    (The customer reaches the pin pad option and enters a series of numbers. After a moment, the card is declined.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, did you want credit?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “Don’t enter any numbers; just hit the green button when it asks for your pin.”

    (Again the pin prompt comes up, and again she enters numbers; nine of them.)

    Me: “Ma’am, what are you typing?”

    Customer: “My phone number!”

    Me: “Your… phone number?”

    Customer: “That’s how I always do it!”

    Should Have It Pinned Down By Now

    Milking The Return Policy

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I work at a small local grocery store and our return policy is quite generous, but some people take it too far.)

    Me: “Hi, there! How are you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, paper bags.”

    Me: “Okay. Did you find what you were looking for?”

    Customer: “Yes.” *pulls out a carton of almond milk* “If my son doesn’t like this can I return it?”

    Me: “Well, unless it is unopened or there is something physically wrong with it we can’t accept a return simply because your son doesn’t like it.”

    Customer: “Why not? If I buy this and he doesn’t like the taste it’s not my fault, so I should be able to get my money back.”

    Me: “Let me get a manager for you, ma’am…”

    Her Request Is A Bit Of A Squeeze

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I worked for a grocery store in a town with two major universities. The encounters with the student customers are always entertaining.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for fresh squeezed orange juice.”

    Me: “Yes, of course. We have a few options between the [Popular Brand] brand and our store brand…”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. I need orange juice that was freshly squeezed today.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t carry anything like that here. We are just a grocery store.”

    Customer: “Well, do you think you could go in the back and squeeze some for me?”

    Me: “I apologize, but that just isn’t how it works. The best I can do is recommend the [Popular Brand]. It really is the best, freshest orange juice we carry.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not a Nazi or anything, but I refuse to drink anything that has been pasteurized.”

    (I notice at this point that she has a gallon of milk in her basket…)

    Me: “I’m sorry I can’t help you with this, but I can at least let you know that we do carry fresh oranges in our produce department.”

    Customer: “Wait, you mean you expect me to squeeze my OWN orange juice?!”

    Religion Really Gets My Goat

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Religion, Theme Of The Month

    (After running out of diapers in the middle of the night, my husband runs out to the nearest grocery store. There are a few people in line when this happens.)

    Lady Behind In Line: “So where are you from?”

    Husband: “Oh, I’m from New Orleans.”

    Lady Behind In Line: “No, where are you really from? You know; your people?”

    Husband: “I was born in India, but immigrated to the US as an infant.

    Lady Behind In Line: “India? How wonderful. My church has helped save a lot of the heathens there! Have you been saved by the blood of our savior, Jesus Christ? If you’re not saved, you and your family will burn in Hell for all time.”

    (The entire line goes silent, shocked at the gall of this woman. My husband decides to have some fun with her.)

    Husband: “No, I come from a long line of Satanists. We’re having a sacrificial ceremony nearby if you’d like to attend? Wait, do you know where I can buy a couple of goats?”

    (The woman turns white, drops her items on the floor, and runs out.)

    Cashier: “D***! I was about to tell her I belong to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!”