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    Getting A Man-Handle On Your Words

    | Flagstaff, AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I am a woman, and I am cashiering at a grocery store that is conducting a charitable fund drive. I am packing a chatty man’s groceries into his backpack.)

    Man: “Look at how you just get that all in there! You’re really man-handling that stuff!”

    Me: *packing the last two things, which are pieces of fruit* “Oh, but I don’t want to man-handle your peaches.”

    Man: “I don’t want to man-handle your peaches.”

    (I splutter and stare at this, torn between outrage and hilarity.)

    Man: “I’m sorry.” *as if to himself* “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

    Me: “To make it up to me, you will donate to our fundraiser.”

    Man: “Deal.”

    Popped Off

    | Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (A customer walks into the store and walks over to the service desk with a cart FULL of pop.)

    Customer: “I want to return this pop. I didn’t seem to need it.”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but this isn’t a brand we carry. You have to buy the pop here at our store in order to return it here.”

    Customer: “I bought them here last week! I just want my d*** money back!”

    Coworker: “Do you have a receipt?”

    Customer: “I don’t have my d*** receipt. Don’t you have it on file?”

    Coworker: “I apologize, but we don’t.”

    (The customer immediately kicks over the whole cart of 30 bottles of pop and storms away. We all stand there in shock after, but on a positive note we all got to keep the pop that he had left behind!)

    Not Quite On The Money

    | NY, USA | Movies & TV, Theme Of The Month

    (The grocery store I work at also sells DVDs for a pretty cheap price. A customer comes up to me, irate.)

    Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes! I need to return this movie!”

    Me: “Well, I’m not sure we’ll be able to refund you, since it’s been opened. Was the disc scratched or something?”

    Customer: “No! The movie was terrible! I can’t believe you would sell me such a horrible movie!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry to hear you didn’t like the movie, but we can’t refund you just because you didn’t like it.”

    Customer: “Yes, you can! You’ve seen the movie; you know how bad it is! I demand a refund!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ve never seen this movie.”

    Customer: “Yes, you have!”

    Me: *confused, and 100 percent sure I’ve never seen it* “I’m sorry, but I’ve never seen this movie. I’m not a fan of this genre.”

    Customer: “YES. YOU. HAVE. You can’t sell movies you haven’t seen, without knowing if they’re any good. It’s the law!”

    (At this point my manager has heard the yelling and comes over.)

    Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes. This movie was terrible and this girl sold it to me knowing it would be bad, and now she’s claiming she never saw it. You should fire her.”

    Manager: “I’m very sorry for the inconvenience, sir. We can refund you this time, but in the future, please be aware that you buy movies at your own risk.”

    Customer: “Good. You should take more care hiring your employees. SOME of them like to break the law!”

    (She refunds the movie, and hands the man the $3 he paid for it.)

    Customer: “What’s this?”

    Manager: “It’s your refund.”

    Customer: “No way! I paid way more than this. I paid $20!”

    (It clearly says ‘$3 movies!’ on the rack behind him, which I point out.)

    Customer: “This is bulls***! I demand my full refund! Look, it even says $20 here on my receipt!”

    (I take the receipt, find the movie listed, and point out that it clearly says $3. The customer continues trying to argue his case and my manager takes over again.)

    Manager: “Okay, sir. I see the problem here. May I have that money back?”

    (She proceeds to count the money back into the drawer, and then count it back out again, so it still adds up to $3. Then she hands it back to the customer.)

    Manager: “Here you go, sir. I’m very sorry about that. I’ll be sure to have a talk with [My Name] about counting out money correctly. Have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Thank you! It’s about time someone knew what they were doing!”

    (The customer stalks off, mumbling about how incompetent I am, without noticing that he still only had $3. My manager and I had a pretty good laugh once he was gone!)

    No Point Crying Over Stolen Milk

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (Milk is subsidized in my state so we don’t offer cash refunds or exchanges unless the product is spoiled or damaged. One man has been exchanging half-empty milk every week for six months claiming each time that the container is leaking. He does it with different clerks and it takes a while before everyone realizes he’s scamming us. As manager, I ask my clerks to let me know if they see him come in so I can talk to him.)

    Customer: “I’d like to exchange this milk.”

    Me: “Sure, we can certainly do that. Man, you have some rotten luck!”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, you just always seem to have leaky milks. Looking at how little is remaining, it must have really made a mess in your fridge!”

    Customer: “Oh. Yeah.”

    Me: “Wow, going through a milk every week? I wonder if [Milk Company] knows they have so many leaky containers. I should track this and notify them.”

    Customer: *nervously* “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

    Me: “Oh. Well, a leaky gallon every week for six months? That’s unacceptable. Maybe you should try another brand? You know, [Milk Company]‘s headquarters are just one town over. I could just call them and have them inspect this.”

    Customer: *alarmed* “Oh, no, no! It’s fine. I’m all set.”

    Me: “Are you sure? Hey, why don’t we go pick out a gallon together. That way we’ll KNOW it isn’t leaking?”

    Customer: “Oh, uhhh. I’m sure I won’t have any problems anymore.”

    Me: “I really appreciate you letting us know there is an issue with their packaging. I’ll be sure to keep an extra close eye on your milk from now on.”

    (The customer leaves in a hurry and we never see him again!)

    The Worst Example Of Homosapien

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (A customer came up to me while I am stocking the cooler.)

    Customer: “Where’s the straight milk?”

    Me: “What? What’s straight milk?”

    Customer: “Straight milk!”

    Me: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

    Customer: “Straight milk, so it doesn’t turn my kids gay.”

    Me: “Milk doesn’t turn anybody gay!”

    Customer: “Sure it does. See right here. It’s HOMO-genized milk. I want the HETERO-genized milk.”

    Me: “…”

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