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    A Rose By Any Other Name

    | Kansas, USA |

    (A customer comes to the bakery and asks me if we sell some ointment.)

    Me: “Sorry, but we don’t sell that here.”

    Customer: “Where can I get it?”

    Me: “I would suggest one of the local pharmacies.” *I name a few, including B & J’s Pharmacy*

    Customer: “Is B & J’s Pharmacy…a pharmacy?”

    Me: “Yes…”

    Kids, This Is Why You Stay In School

    , | Michigan, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like 5 pork chops, wrapped in twos.”

    Me: “Do you mean two packages?”

    Customer: “No, I want 5 pork chops, wrapped in twos.”

    Me: *blank stare*

    Customer: *heavy sigh* “5 chops, wrapped 2, 2 and 1. See, wrapped in twos.”

    Psst … The Sun Gives You Cancer too

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I begin to ring up a customer’s purchases at the register)

    Customer: “Wait! When you ring up the bagged bulk items don’t put them on the part the laser shines through. Weigh them on the metal, please.”

    Me: “Is it a problem if I scan everything else?”

    Customer: “No, it’s just that the bags are clear and the laser gives you cancer.”

    Damaged Goods, And We’re Not Talking Groceries

    | Framingham, MA |

    (A coworker is bagging groceries as I ring them up)

    Customer, to my bagger: “Wait! Don’t pack them like that! Honestly, it’s as if no one understands how to pack bags anymore!”

    Coworker, looking down at a loaf of bread on top of some grapefruits in a paper bag: “How do you want them packed?”

    Customer: “Clearly the bread needs to go on the bottom! I don’t want the grapefruits to get damaged; they’re fragile!”

    It’s Not My Fault, Even Though It Is

    | USA | Top

    Lady: “Hi, I was wondering if I could return some rotten milk? Or get it replaced, or a refund or something.”

    Me: “Well, when did you buy it?”

    Lady: “A week ago.”

    Me: “Okay, when did it expire?”

    Lady: “Yesterday.”

    Me: “So, you bought it before the expiration date, then it expired. Correct?”

    Lady: “Um, yeah, I guess so…”

    Me: “We can’t return that, then.”

    Lady: “WHAT THE *%!*?! ARE YOU *%!*ING KIDDING ME?!”

    Me: “Are you serious? You bought it before it expired, kept it until AFTER it expired, and now want to return it?”

    Lady: “WELL YOU HAVE A NICE *%!*ING DAY.”

    Me: “You too, ma’am.”

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