Ed Begley Jr. Starts To Cut Back

| Brookfield, WI, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Would you like paper or plastic?”

Customer: “Oh, I’d like one of those nice canvas bags, please.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, one of those reusable canvas bags. Like the ones that she’s got!” *points to the next customer in line*

Me: “Uh, well, we don’t have those here, unfortunately. All we’ve got is paper or plastic. If you want a canvas bag, you’d have to buy one and bring it yourself.”

Customer: “What a load of crap! Why should I want to save the environment if I have to pay to do it?!”

This Is Why We Have Self-Checkout Lanes

| Portage, MI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Put that bread in the bag.”

Coworker: “I don’t want to break it…

(The grocery bags are already very full.)

Customer: “No, it’s CRUSTY!”

(The customer rushes over, grabs it, and STUFFS it into the bag, totally crushing it.)

Customer: “See? It didn’t break! Can you make the bags more even?”

(My coworker takes out some of the groceries and evenly weights the bags.)

Customer: “No, make them more evenly weighted!”

Coworker: “I just did…”

Customer: “NO, NOW IT’S NOT FAIR TO ALL OF THE OTHER BAGS!”

(The customer grabs her bags and literally runs out of store.)

Is That A Pinot Noir In Your Pocket…

| Brookfield, WI, USA | Uncategorized

(I work as a bagger at the local grocery store. An old man walks through the checkout lane with spandex pants on and what appears to be a wine bottle stuffed down.)

Cashier: “Sir, there is no way in h*** that you are THAT well-endowed. Get your butt back here!”

Customer Service Saves Another Life

| Florida, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “How many pine nuts are in your ‘Lemon Orzo with Pine Nuts’?”

Me: “A good amount, why?”

Customer: “Because my husband is allergic, and I was just wondering how much I’d be able to give to him.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, do you like your husband?”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Because it could very well kill him.”

Customer: “…”

Me: *nodding*

Customer: “Oh…”

I’m Afraid You Can’t Spell, Dave

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I was monitoring the customers at the self-checkout machines when a customer holding a cilantro angrily waved me over.)

Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “These machines are so useless! They don’t even have cilantro under the look-up list!”

Me: “Sir, it’s because you’re looking under ‘S’ instead of ‘C’ – cilantro is spelled with a ‘C’.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re a know-it-all, huh? We’ll see what you know when these machines take over YOUR job one day!”

Me: “…”

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