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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Thank God They Took Away His Whip

    | Ottawa, Canada |

    (This happened the day before Canadian Thanksgiving…)

    Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes in line!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it’s a busy day today with the last minute shopping!”

    Customer: “Well, you should have all the lanes open! Why isn’t that lane open?”

    Me: “I assume she’s on her break at the moment…”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t GET breaks when it’s busy!”

    Not Always Right On So Many Levels

    | Ocala, FL, USA |

    (A disabled customer on crutches starts screaming racist epithets at her cashier.)

    Disabled customer: “You g**d*** n*****! You b****! How could you do that to me?! This is discrimination!”

    Cashier: *totally shocked*

    (I walk over right away. Keep in mind, I’m white.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry you’re upset, but could you please watch your language? There are children here. Now, I’d be ha–”

    Disabled customer: “Y’all hate people with disabilities! F*** the children! And f*** you, you n*****! I’m calling corporate!”

    Me: “If that’s what you want to do, ma’am, I can’t stop you.”

    Disabled customer: “D*** right you can’t, you black b****!”

    (She suddenly throws down her “crutches” and very easily walks out of the store.)

    Another customer, to me: “Wait, did she just call you black?”

    (She did end up calling corporate office, but it was dismissed because she kept calling the operator a sand monkey and saying that she was going to burn in h*** for stealing white people’s jobs.)

    (To do this day, whenever we get bored we play with her crutches in the back stock room.)

    Life’s Great Mysteries, Volume 1

    | Oklahoma, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m working in the meat department as a middle-aged woman in a business suit approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: *dead serious* “What’s the difference between beef and pork?”

    Me: “Um… one comes from a pig, and one comes from a cow. ”

    Customer: “Oh, okay! I’ve always wondered that!”

    (She walks off happily and I never worked with the public again.)

    Just Quit While You’re Ahead

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA |

    Me: “You find everything okay today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Oh my God! What’s wrong with your face? ¬†Are you okay?”

    Me: “What?¬†What are you talking about?”

    Customer: ¬†”Your jaw! It’s so swollen!”

    Me: “Um… no, I’m just fine.”

    Customer: “Oh… your left jaw is just so huge, I thought, maybe… never mind.”

    Never Piss Off A Man With A Meat Cleaver

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Top

    (It was 5:45 pm on Christmas Eve, and the grocery store I worked at closed at 6 pm.)

    Customer: ¬†”Why don’t you have any big frozen turkeys? ¬†I need a 20 pound frozen turkey!”

    Me: ¬†”Sir, we only have what’s left in the counter.”

    Customer: ¬†”Go look in the back! ¬†I know you have some hiding back there.”

    Me: ¬†”Um, sir, I put all the turkeys out already. ¬†What’s out is all we have.”

    Customer: ¬†”LISTEN! ¬†I NEED A G**D*** 20 POUND TURKEY!¬†GET IN THE BACK AND FIND ME ONE!”

    Me: ¬†”There are no more turkeys in the back…”

    Customer: ¬†”I’ll just go look myself!”

    (The customer proceeds to march through the “Staff Only” doors and is met by one of the butchers who stands 6′ 5″.)

    Customer: ¬†”GET ME A G**D*** TURKEY!”

    Big Butcher: ¬†”GET THE H*** OUT OF MY STORE!”

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