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    Instructions Are Your Friends, Part 2

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    Customer, staring at credit card machine: “I don’t know what to do. What does it want me to do?”

    Me: “What does the screen say?”

    Customer: “Press the green button.”

    Me: “Then…well…maybe you should press that green button there.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    Related:
    Instructions Are Your Friends

    Even Owners Have A Stupid Quota

    | Taunton, MA, USA |

    (A customer gives me a Canadian quarter. I refuse to accept it. He gets angry.)

    Me: “Sir, I can’t accept this quarter. It’s Canadian.”

    Customer: “So? I got it from somewhere in the US so you must accept it.”

    Me: “No sir, I can not. My drawer will come up short.”

    Customer: “It’s not my fault someone gave me this quarter! Why should I take the blame for it? Take the quarter!”

    Me: “Oh I see, so it is my fault then?”

    Customer: “YES! Take the quarter!”

    (I take a quarter out of my pocket and then throw that Canadian quarter across the room to a trash can.)

    Customer: “Call your manager.”

    Me, smiling: “I am the owner, sir. How can I help you?”

    Related:
    Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

    Deja Vu In Aisle 3

    | Oakville, ON, Canada |

    (I work in the stock department of a small, local grocery store. Generally, I would get 1 or 2 requests to check the back for an item a shift. An elderly woman-I’d say around 75-80–approaches me. She is asking about a common type of flour we carry.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’ve managed to find 4 of these. Would you care to check the back room to see if you have any more?”

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    (I grab a single flour package from her. After 1-2 minutes of aimless searching in the backroom, I return the bag to the woman.)

    Customer: “Why, thank you! Now I have 4! Thats exactly how many I needed! God bless you!”

    (I was way too embarrassed for her to explain the situation.)

    Me: “You’re…welcome. Anything else?”

    Customer: “One more thing, dear.”

    Me: “What is it?”

    Customer: “Can you check the back to see if you have any more of these?”

    Yum, Bible Ham Paste

    | Suffolk, VA, USA |

    (I use to work in a deli at a grocery story. This story takes place there.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want the extra cheap-a** ham.”

    Me: “How thin do you want that?”

    Customer: “Bible-paper thin.”

    Me: “Um…ok?”

    (It should be noted that slicing the “extra cheap-a** ham” too thin results not in ham, but in a ham-like paste)

    Me: “Here you go.”

    Customer: “You call that thin? You obviously aren’t a religious man, I can see.”

    Me: “Ok…”

    (I ended up giving him about $3.00 worth of ham paste and he walked away happy, so I guess it all worked out.)

    One Last Parting Shot

    | Williston, VT, USA |

    (A man realized that he was unable to pay for his groceries a few checkouts away from mine and had to leave his cart full of items behind. As he stormed off, he let off a tirade of insults at his cashier, finally stopping as he passed my register, gaping in awe at my long hair. I’m a guy, by the way.)

    Pissed customer: “AND YOU! GET A HAIRCUT! YOU LOOK STUPID!”

    Me: “…”

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