It Only Goes Downhill From Here

| Bedford, IN, USA |

(I’ve just finished bagging a man’s groceries in two paper bags.)

Me: “Have a great night!”

Customer: “Paper bags? NEVER bag my groceries in paper bags!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “If you ever do this again, I’ll kill you! I’ll blow your head off! I have guns!”

Me: “…”

(Two weeks later, the store hired him. I quit.)

Dog Tested, Employee Approved

| Tartu, Estonia |

(An old lady walks up to the counter.)

Customer: “Miss, is this dog sausage salty?”

Me: “Um…I don’t think so, ma’am.”

Customer: “Are you SURE?”

Me: “Well, yes. Dog sausages are mainly made without salt.”

Customer: “It better not be salty, because my dog does not eat any salty stuff.”

Me: “It’s not salty, ma’am.”

Customer: “But are you SURE? Have you TASTED it?!”

H2O: The Dampening

| Cleveland, OH, USA |

(Per our closing procedures, I have to mop the edges of the aisles every night before we close.)

Customer: “You know, it’s very wet.”

Me: “Yes, that is a common characteristic of water.”

Customer: “Well, isn’t there anything you can do about it?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, there are caution signs all around the store to tell you it might be slippery.”

Customer: “But can’t you do something to make the water less wet?”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, we’ve run out of our dry water, and only have the wet kind left.”

Customer: “Well, you should order more.”

Now Serving: Poopsicles

| Scottsdale, AZ, USA |

(Note: we’re nearby a retirement community. An old man who looks lost wanders into our grocery store.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Old man: “Yes, I’m looking for the bathroom… oh, here it is!”

(He opens a freezer door and proceeds to pull down his pants.)

Me: “SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

(The old man takes a dump right in the freezer.)

Old man: “That’s cold… where’s the toilet paper?”

Me: “I really, really, really need a break!”

(Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened.)

Live Culture Club

| Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

(A man walks up to the service desk and wants to return his yogurt.)

Me: “Sure – is it expired?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you just need a different flavor or something?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “All right, what’s the reason for returning it?”

Customer: *shakes the yogurt* “Listen to that!” *shakes it again near my ear* “Doesn’t sound right!”

Me: “I see…”

Customer: “Yogurt shouldn’t sound like that.”

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