There’s No Substitute For Brains, Either

| Miami, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*

The Featherweight Watchers Program

| Richmond, VA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I need to get a new box of this…” *hands me a box of bird seed*

Me: “Sure, was there a problem with it?”

Customer: “Yeah, it was messy. I had to keep picking through sticks to get to the good stuff.”

Me: “Wait, were you eating this? ”

Customer: “Uh-huh, just now, in my car. It’s good, but I had to keep picking through the sticks.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is actually bird seed. ”

Customer: “Oh, is it? Well, it’s pretty good. It just has a lot of sticks in it.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m a little worried that this might be dangerous for consumption by humans, so if you’ll hang on a minute, let me call someone.”

(I call Poison Control and they tell me she will be fine. The only problem is that the bird seed would have a high fat content. I relay this to the customer.)

Customer: “Oh. Well, if it’s high in calories, I don’t want it!”

Brainless Through The Looking Glass

| Greensboro, NC, USA | Top

(I’m stocking milk when I see a customer tapping the mirror that reflects back down on the groceries in the refrigerated section.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you could open this case so I can get to the eggs on the other side?”

Me: “All the eggs should be in the same place.”

Customer: “No, I want the ones in the case.”

(She starts tapping the mirror above the eggs again.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a mirror.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “There are no other eggs, it’s a reflection of the same eggs.”

Customer: “But I want those eggs!”

The Clothes Make The Manager

| Stockholm, Sweden | Top

(My brother is the manager of a grocery store. Important: they’ve recently switched uniforms from red to blue.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can I get some help?”

Brother: “Yes, is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “I’m looking for [competitors brand]. Why don’t you have it?”

Brother: “It’s because only our competitor can sell that.”

Customer: “That is bull****! I’ve been shopping here for 10 years and you’ve always had that!”

Brother: “Ma’am, we’ve only been at this location for four years and we don’t sell our competitor’s brand.”

Customer: “You are compleatly hopeless! I demand to speak to the manager!”

Brother: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “Did you not hear me?! I want to talk to the M-A-N-A-G-E-R!”

Brother: “Fine, just a sec. I’ll go fetch him.”

(My brother walks in to the staff area, picks up an old red shirt from a box, puts it on, and walks out.)

Brother: “Hello ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: *calmly* “Finally. I want to know why you don’t have [competitors brand]?”

Brother: “Because only our competitor can sell it.”

Customer: “Oh? I guess I’ll have to go to their store, then. Thanks!”

When Colloquialisms Meet Capitalism

| Long Island, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I’ve just rung up a customer up for cigarettes.)

Customer: “I’m gonna zip-zip it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Zip-zip!”

Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

Customer: *getting annoyed* “I’m going to use my zip-zip card!”

Customer’s Daughter: “Zip-zip? Gosh, Mom! It’s a credit card.”

Me: “Oooh. You can slide that right over there.” *pointing to the card machine*

Customer: “Which button do I press? It’s asking me to pick payment type.”

Me: “…credit?”

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