Becoming Familiar With Fiber

| Texas, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

(My dad was standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him was a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly had several more items than the limit.)

Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

(An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

Old man: “Here, give her this.”

(My dad hands it to the woman.)

Woman: “What’s this?”

Old man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”

A Sleepwalk To Remember

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Uncategorized

(I work in customer service, where tobacco products and lottery tickets are purchased.)

Me: “Do you need any cigarettes or lotto with that today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Excuse me?!”

Me: “Do you need any cigarettes or lotto today?”

Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “…do you need to purchase any cigarettes or lotto today?”

Customer: “But, what do you mean by that?”

Me: “I mean…do you want to buy cigarettes or lotto today?”

Customer: *blank stare* “What?”

Me: “Do you know what cigarettes and lotto are?”

Customer: *shakes head* “Um…” *confused look*

(I explain to her what cigarettes and lotto are, then I ring the lady’s purchase in and put it in a bag. She punches in her number for her debit card but stops halfway through and looks at me.)

Customer: “Aw crap, I forgot to buy my cigarettes.”

Dinner Without A Show Is No Dinner At All

| Buffalo, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m cashing out a customer and bagging his groceries.)

Me: “And what’s in your bakery bag, sir?”

Customer: “A cantaloupe. I put it in there to get ripe.”

Me: “OK…”

Customer: “You know what they do in California? They JUGGLE the fruit – the cantaloupes and the mangoes and the apples and such.”

Me: “Oh, that must be neat to see–”


Me: *laughing* “That’d be interesting, but I don’t know how to juggle.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me you can’t juggle this fruit?”

Me: “I’m afraid not…”

Customer: “Then take the cantaloupe off. I don’t want it if you won’t juggle it for me.”

Hand Washing’s Heyday Is Gone

| British Columbia, Canada | Uncategorized

(I was bagging groceries at a till when this occured.)

Me: “Would you like your meat wrapped in plastic?”

Customer: “Why would I want that?”

Me: “Well, it’s to prevent cross contamination. If your chicken were to leak, it could contaminate your beef.”

Customer: “That’s bull!”

Me: “Uh…what?”

Customer: “Cross contamination doesn’t exist any more. It hasn’t for fifty years. Where have you been?”

Me: “…”

It’s One Big Greasy Conspiracy

| Santa Fe, NM, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Ugh! Everything you make here has canola oil in it. Don’t you know that’s not even food? It’s made from rapeseed, which isn’t even edible!”

Me: “While it’s true you can’t actually eat the plant, canola oil itself is–”

Customer: “It’s all genetically modified. You can’t get canola oil that isn’t genetically modified.”

Me: “Actually, the canola oil we use comes from a company called Spectrum that–”

Customer: “Spectrum!? That’s an Illuminati company!”

Me: “Let me get my manager for you…”

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