It’s One Big Greasy Conspiracy

| Santa Fe, NM, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Ugh! Everything you make here has canola oil in it. Don’t you know that’s not even food? It’s made from rapeseed, which isn’t even edible!”

Me: “While it’s true you can’t actually eat the plant, canola oil itself is–”

Customer: “It’s all genetically modified. You can’t get canola oil that isn’t genetically modified.”

Me: “Actually, the canola oil we use comes from a company called Spectrum that–”

Customer: “Spectrum!? That’s an Illuminati company!”

Me: “Let me get my manager for you…”

A Vanessa By Any Other Name

| Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

(As I’m ringing an elderly lady’s groceries through, she reads my name tag incorrectly.)

Customer: “Vanessa…Vanessa! That’s such a lovely name.”

Me: “Oh? Yeah, it is.”

Customer: “Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa!”

Me: “It’s great, but I’m not–”

Customer: “Your mother has such good taste! Van-ESSA!”

Me: “Thank you, but–”

Customer: “I bet, when you were young, she’d say things like ‘Vanessa! Get over here! You’re such a naughty girl!'”

Me: “Um, something like that…”

Customer: “Well, you have a great day Vanessa!”

Stupidity On Tap

| Durham, NC, USA | Uncategorized

(I get a phone call at about 8:00pm on a weeknight. The caller is a young man, and in the background I hear music and hysterical giggling.)

Caller: “What time do y’all close?”

Me: “9 o’clock tonight.”

Caller: “Oh s***! Umm…OK, can you just ring me up for a keg with my credit card, and then leave it outside?”

Me: “…the keg?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “What? Why?!”

Me: “…for a variety of reasons.”

Tell Jesus It’s Time To Rise And Shine…Again

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Uncategorized

(After each holiday, our store marks down all the related holiday inventory. This particular incident occurred about a week after Easter.)

Customer: “I was looking for some paper plates to match these napkins with the cute little bunnies and eggs on them.”

Me: “There weren’t any plates that matched those back there?”

Customer: “No! It’s ridiculous! I mean, how can you be out of Easter stuff?”

Me: “Well, Easter was last week. Most of the stuff is gone.”

Customer: “Do you know when the next shipment of these Easter plates will be?”

Me: “…next Easter?”

Customer: “You’re not going to get any new Easter shipments till NEXT Easter?! Why the h*** not?”

Me: “Because…Easter is over? I don’t think we’re expecting anyone to celebrate Easter until it comes around again.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous! I should be able to celebrate Easter when I want! I’m only buying these so I’m stocked up for next year at a quarter of the price!”

Me: “…”

America’s Next Top Model Customer

| Montreal, Canada | Uncategorized

(The cashier I was bagging for is a very pretty blonde girl who likes to make herself up, while I’m a fairly plain and simple girl.)

Customer: *to cashier* “Oh, my, you’re beautiful! You’ll have it made; you’ll have everything you’ll ever wanted. You’ll do well in life.”

(The customer then looks at me and pauses.)

Customer: “…you? You’ll do all right…”

Me: “…”

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