July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

10 Little Pints Of Joy

| Florida, USA | Top

(A guy comes into my register with a pretty standard basket of groceries.)

Me: “Sir, did you only get one pint of Ben and Jerry’s?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Well, it’s ‘Buy one, Get one free’ this week.”

Customer: “Hold on.” *runs off and returns a minute later with 9 more pints*

Me: “You must really like Ben and Jerry’s, huh?”

Customer: “I have a pregnant wife.”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

(Glow)Stick of Bread

| Kaiserslautern, Germany | Uncategorized

(This happened a long time ago, not long after the Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown. I am marking bags of bread with large black X’s.)

Customer: “What are the X’s?”

Me: “The bread marked with an X is a day old, so it is half price.”

Customer: “The X means it’s contaminated by Chernobyl, doesn’t it?”

Me: “Nope. Just a day old.”

Customer: *Winking and nodding.* “Riiight. Day-old. Gotcha.”

(A couple minutes later the manager comes and tells me to help the frozen food crew empty a freezer that has stopped working. As we are loading the frozen food into carts to take it back to the walk-in freezer, the same customer wanders by. Her eyes suddenly get very wide.)

Customer: “S***! Is there anything here that isn’t radioactive?”

(The customer hastily exits the store, leaving her cart of presumably radioactive groceries behind.)

When Fat Cells Out-number Brain Cells

| Ohio, USA | Uncategorized

(A grocery store customer points to ‘fat free’ on a gallon of ice cream.)

Customer: “Does that mean I don’t have to pay?”

Me: “No sir, that means that there is no fat in the ice cream.”

Customer: “So just the fat is free?”

Me: “There is no fat, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t want it then.”

Death Goes Shopping

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Uncategorized

(We are having a big sale on lobsters and I’m standing behind an open case of them.)

Customer: “Are these alive?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, they’re all alive.”

(The customer picks one up that is moving and violently shakes it.)

Customer: “This one isn’t!”

Me: “That’s because you just killed it, ma’am.”

Customer: “How dare you accuse me of that!” *violently throws the lobster back into the case and storms off*

But Mommy Says I’m Mature

| Branson, MO, USA | Uncategorized

(A girl comes to my counter with a bottle of wine. She’s clearly underage–about 13 or 14.)

Me: “You can’t buy that, you’re too young.”

Customer: “What?! No! I’m twenty two!”

Me: “I’ll need to see your ID, please.”

Customer: “I left it in my car. ”

Me: “Then you can’t buy this.”

Customer: “Fine, then! I’ll go get my mom and she’ll tell you!”

Me: “Alright, you do that.”

Customer: “MOM!” *runs off*

(She never came back.)

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