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    She Wouldn’t Last A Minute In 1478

    | Bloomington, IN, USA |

    (A lady and her husband purchase a few items and proceed to pay with a debit card on a card reader. After scanning her card she stands there looking at it.)

    Me: “You just need to enter your pin here and press enter.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    Me: “Do you want cash back?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Alright, then just press ‘no’ on the card reader.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Me: “Now, it’s asking you to confirm the total.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD! So many f***ing questions! What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?”

    Oh, Give Me A Home Where The Jumbo Shrimp Roam

    | Canada |

    Me: “Can I help you with anything sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for some shrimp.”

    Me: “Shrimp is in the seafood department, right over there.”

    Customer: “See, I don’t want to boil them, I just want to barbecue them.”

    Me: “Okay, well, they should be in the seafood department.”

    Customer: “But I want to barbecue them. Could you get me a pound of shrimp?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have shrimp in the deli.”

    Customer: “Why don’t you have any?”

    Me: “We only have deli meat and cheese in the deli. The seafood department has shrimp, just over there.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “Because shrimp are seafood… they live in the sea.”

    Customer: “… really?”

    Low Expectations, Gotta Love ‘Em

    | Hudson, NH, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, can you ring this stuff up and tell me how much it is?”

    Me: “Uh… yeah. That’s kind of what I do.”

    Customer: “Okay, but can you put it in bags too? I need to bring it home.”

    Me: “… I can do that too.”

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 4

    | Princeton, NJ, USA |

    (As I’m ringing this woman’s vitamins up, I notice that she’s staring at my stomach. I pause and look up at her.)

    Customer: “When’s the baby coming?”

    Me: “What baby?”

    Customer: “Are you expecting?”

    Me: “Um, no. I’m not pregnant.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m so sorry! I just asked because I used to be chubby like you when I was your age.”

    Me: “Um… what?”

    Customer: “Well, I was gonna say, you’re too young to be pregnant!”

    Me: “I think you’d better quit while you’re ahead.”

    Related:
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 3
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 2
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    Thank God They Took Away His Whip

    | Ottawa, Canada |

    (This happened the day before Canadian Thanksgiving…)

    Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes in line!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it’s a busy day today with the last minute shopping!”

    Customer: “Well, you should have all the lanes open! Why isn’t that lane open?”

    Me: “I assume she’s on her break at the moment…”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t GET breaks when it’s busy!”

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