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    Clarity Is Key

    | Michigan, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, how are you today? Is there something I can get for you?”

    Customer: “Fish.”

    Me: “Well, you sure came to the right place. What kind of fish would you like?”

    Customer: “Dead fish.”

    Me: “…”

    And On This Farm He Had My Dinner

    | Geilo, Norway |

    Customer: What’s the difference between this-” *holds up a steak of lamb* “and this?” *holds up a steak of calf*

    Me: “Well, this one is from a lamb, and this one from a calf. It says so right here on the label.”

    Customer: “But what part of the animal is that?”

    Me: *points at the lamb* “Baaaa.” *pointing at the calf* “Moooo.”

    Customer: *happily* “Oh, thank you so much!”

    Fond Future Memories

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Ok sir, your total today is $62.30.”

    Customer: *serious* “That was a good year. I remember it well….”

    Me: “6230?!”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “…”

    You Just Had To Ask

    | Harrisburg, PA, USA |

    (I work at the customer service desk at a grocery store. One day I had a guy come up and cash a winning lottery ticket for a dollar, and this is what then took place.)

    Me: “There you go. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, uh…I’ve got some dishes to be done, some windows to be washed, and a lawn to be mowed.”

    Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Ha ha, yeah….”

    Customer: *blank stare* “Well…are you gonna help me?”

    Me: still thinking he’s joking* “Ha, well, until **** opens up an At-Home division, I guess I can’t help you out.”

    Customer: “So you’re not gonna help me?”

    Me: *realizing he’s serious* “Well…no, sir. I can’t just leave and go home with you to do chores.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t be offering to do something if you don’t plan on going through with it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but-”

    Customer: *interrupting* “Next time, don’t offer if you’re not gonna do it!” *storms off*

    The Produce Section Is Too Deep To Ford

    | Edmonton, Canada |

    (I was a customer observing this exchange.)

    Customer: *picks up an apple and takes a large bite out of it*

    Employee: “Sir, what are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m sampling an apple to make sure it’s not mealy. The last apples I got here were all mealy.”

    Employee: “Er…it’s generally not a very good idea to do that…those aren’t washed.”

    Customer: *sets the apple back down* “YOU DON’T WASH THEM?! Don’t you know you can spread dysentery?!”

    Employee: “They’re washed before they come in here, but we can’t wash them on the shelf. And sir, you have to pay for that.”

    Customer: “F*** that! I’m not paying for something that’ll give me dysentery!”

    Employee: “We can’t sell an apple that has a HUGE BITE taken out of it!”

    Customer: *stomps off*

    Customer #2: *observing nearby “Someone should tell him, ‘You have died of dysentery.’”

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