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    Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 3

    | South Australia |

    (I work for forensics and often a lot of phone calls about DNA results and what they mean.)

    Me: “Good morning, DNA Management Section, *** speaking.”

    Customer: “Hi, I got this DNA notification thing. I don’t know what it means.”

    Me: “Those are the results for the buccal swab you had done. It’s just for your records to show that you had a buccal swab taken and your DNA was analysed from it.”

    Customer: “What do all these letters and numbers mean?”

    Me: “That is the sequence for your DNA. The scientists at forensics will use those numbers to match your DNA profile to other samples on the DNA database.”

    Customer: “But what do they mean?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I am not qualified to explain this to you. I can however forward your call to Forensics SA, and they will be able to answer your query. All I can say is that the first part is your sex. XX means female and XY means male.”

    Customer: “It says XY… so that means I’m male, right?”

    Related:
    Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 2
    Some Questions Should Never Be Asked

    Minimally Criminal

    | New Zealand |

    Me: “Good Afternoon, Civil Department.”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to know what happened in my son’s case today”.

    Me: “I can’t tell you any details, but I can tell you if they have finished. Can you give me the case number?”

    Caller: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

    Me: “Are you sure this is a civil case and not criminal?”

    Caller: “Definitely Civil. Not Criminal! My son’s not a criminal!”

    Me: “Okay, could I get a last name to see if I can find it that way?”

    Caller: “The name is *****.”

    Me: “Okay, that name isn’t showing up at all. Are you sure its not a Criminal case?”

    Caller: “MY SON IS NOT A CRIMINAL! How dare you suggest it, you b**ch!”

    Me: “Okay… can you tell me what the case was about?”

    Caller: “Oh, kidnapping and assault.”

    Me: *transfers to Criminal*

    Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 2

    | Alberta, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I need a driver’s licence. ”

    Me: “Okay… you can come to our office; as it is Saturday, we are open ’till 12:30 pm.”

    Caller: “I can’t make it in time, can you fax me one?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s a plastic card and it can not be faxed or emailed. We also have to take your photo, so this can be done only in person.”

    Caller: “It was my birthday yesterday, so my licence is expired. Can’t you do it over the phone?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, I can not send you a plastic licence over the phone.”

    Caller: “F*** you!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t do that over the phone, either.”

    Related:
    Be Careful What You Ask For

    Bureacracy’s Hidden Benefits

    | Minnesota, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Client: “I’d like to know why I haven’t received my benefits.”

    Me: “Let’s just pull up your case. Can I have your case number?”

    (The client gives me their case number and I pull up the case.)

    Me: “Well, it looks like you didn’t return your application. Without an application, we can’t approve welfare benefits.”

    Client: “Can’t we do it over the phone?”

    Me: “No, you need to come in and do an in-person interview so we can get an ID and a signature.”

    Client: “So, we can’t do it over the phone?”

    Me: “No, we need a face-to-face interview.”

    Client: “That’s just too much work. I’ll just go get a job!” *click*

    You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

    | Tennessee |

    (A local officer picked this woman up off the street for Public Intoxication. He brought her to the jail to be booked in.)

    Me: “Ma’am please move over to the counter.”

    Her: “I don’t want to order anything, I’m not hungry.”

    Me: “Ma’am I need to remove the handcuffs and search you.”

    Her: “I don’t own any handcuffs.”

    Me: “Ma’am do you know where you are?”

    Her: “Yeah, at the store but I don’t like what you have done with it.”

    Me: “Ma’am how much have you had to drink tonight?”

    Her: “OH I don’t drink, I’m a dietitian!”

    Me: *furrows eyebrows* “Do you mean diabetic?”

    Her: “Whatever I doesn’t … er … didn’t drink anything but some Orange Juice … the bottle is in my purse.”

    (I open her purse and find not only the bottle with OJ in it but an empty bottle of Vodka. The OJ in the bottle was almost see through she had so much Vodka in it.)

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