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    All In A Muggle

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (The entrance to the office is a sliding glass door. A man is staring at the doorway looking forlorn as I’m working the reception desk.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: *shouting* “Yeah, I’m here to make a delivery!”

    Me: “You can just drop it off with me, sir.”

    Customer: *still shouting* “But how do I get in?”

    Me: “The door’s open.”

    Customer: “But where’s the door?”

    Me: “It’s right in front of you. It’s open.”

    Customer: “Okay, it’s unlocked, but how do I open it?”

    Me: “Just step forward!”

    (He cautiously puts his hands up and slowly walks through the open doorway, and smiles like he just found the entrance to Hogwarts.)

    Magic Plows? Snow Problem!

    | Montreal, Canada |

    (We had just received well over 15 inches of snow during the course of the night. Obviously, our buses were late and our subway system crowded.)

    Customer: “My bus was 25 minutes late and I arrived to work late. My boss just gave me my final warning. One more lateness and I’ll be fired!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that but, as you can see, we currently have snow on the ground and there isn’t much we can do but to wait for the plow crews to finish their job.”

    Customer: “Excuses! I got a final warning from my boss and I’m about to get fired!”

    Me: “Okay. If it is of any help to you, I can mail an official letter to your boss certifying that your lateness was our fault and not yours.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want no letter from you guys. I’m about to get fired!”

    Me: “Okay, I apologize for the inconvenience, but–”

    Customer: “You know what would have been helpful? You guys should have performed a ‘preventative’ plowing before the snow fell!”

    For Signs Of Stupidity, The Buck Stops Here

    | Maine, USA |

    (We are responsible for the placement of traffic signs. I get this call from a resident where we just placed a deer Crossing sign.)

    Me: “Hello, [government office]. How may I help you?”

    Resident: “Yes, you just placed a Deer Crossing sign down the street from my house.”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Resident: “Well, I am not happy with its location. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of deer cross the roads in my neighborhood.”

    Me: “What is your concern about its location?”

    Resident: “I’d like you to move it down the road a few yards. It would be a lot more convenient if the deer knew to cross there. Can you do that before they get used to it where it is?”

    More Leftovers, Less Landfill

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (I work for the city government and received this call the day after Halloween.)

    Customer: “The garbage collectors didn’t take all my garbage this morning. They left my pumpkin.”

    Me: “Well, sir, where did you leave the pumpkin for collection?”

    Customer: “In my recycling bin.”

    Me: “Well, that’s why they didn’t take it. You need to put it in your garbage can.”

    Customer: “But you can recycle a pumpkin!”

    Me: “Sir, what do you think they are going to recycle your pumpkin into?”

    Customer: “PIE!”

    Golden Rule, Meet Golden Bulldozer

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Top

    (I work for the city and am repairing potholes in a residential neighborhood. Suddenly, a resident comes running out in his bathrobe.)

    Resident: “Hey! What the h*** do you guys think you’re doing?!”

    Me: “We’re fixing these potholes, sir.”

    Resident: “You guys can’t be here! You did not clear this with the homeowner’s association!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m with the city and we don’t have to clear these repairs with any association.”

    Resident: “Like h*** you don’t!”

    Me: “Please step back sir. I have to continue working and you are too close to the job site.”

    (The resident runs back into his house and comes back out with a small bucket of yellow paint. Before we can stop him, he starts painting the dings and scratches on our bulldozer.)

    Me: “What are you doing, sir?!”

    Resident: “If you don’t have to clear repairs with us, then I guess I don’t have to clear repairs with the city!”

    Me: “Sir, that color paint is not the same as the paint job on the equipment. Plus, you are now defacing this equipment. I will call the police if you don’t stop!”

    Resident: “F*** off, you f***ing lemming!”

    Me: “That’s it, I’m calling the police!”

    (By the time the police show up, all his neighbors have come outside to watch the commotion. Things only go downhill from there, as he ends up getting charged with three counts: defacing public property, resisting arrest and assault on a peace officer.)

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