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    A Complete Debarkle

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (I work in the call center for parks & gardens.)

    Me: “Parks & Gardens, may I help you?”

    Resident: “I want a new street tree, please.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Is there a problem with your current street tree?”

    Resident: “Yes. It doesn’t attract the native birds. I want a street tree that attracts native birds.”

    Me: “Okay. We don’t normally replace street trees just because they don’t attract birds. Other forms of wildlife use the street trees too. Is there anything actually wrong with the tree?”

    Resident: “Yes. It keeps on growing.”

    Stupidity That Can Be Seen From Space

    | Salinas, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Spouses & Partners

    (When taking a call from a customer who has a trash pickup problem I usually pull up an aerial picture to see what the property configuration is.)

    Me: “How may I help you sir?”

    Caller: “I think the garbage truck ran over my cement pad and broke the corner.”

    Me: “You mean the small pad on the north side of the driveway?”

    Caller: *long pause* “Do you memorize everyone’s property?”

    Me: “No, I pulled up your property on my computer and I’m looking at a picture of your front yard.”

    Caller: “Wow! That’s really amazing! Wait, wait, give me a second!”

    (The customer drops the phone and I can hear him calling someone as he leaves the room. About one minute later he gets back on the phone and is slightly out of breath.)

    Caller: “Can you see her now?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand?”

    Caller: “My wife, my wife, she’s out on the front lawn in the white bathrobe and curlers. I can see her waving up at you!”

    Perturbed By The Verb

    | Queens, NY, USA | Funny Names, Politics

    Caller: “You need to do something about that new surf shop. You need to shut them down.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we can’t just shut the surf shop down, but why don’t you tell me the problem?”

    Caller: “Well, they’re very inappropriate! My teenage daughter walked by the other day, and they ‘Googled’ her!”

    Me: “They ‘Googled’ your daughter?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “As she walked by?”

    Caller: “That’s what I’m telling you!”

    Me: “Do you mean they ‘ogled’ her?”

    Caller: “Same thing!”

    Should Get His Head Chequed

    | Australia |

    (A client calls in regarding a payment he is expecting from us. I determine the reason for delay, correct it and all that is left is the processing of the payment.)

    Me: “How would you like the payment, sir? Electronically or by cheque?”

    Client: “Electronically, please.”

    Me: “Not a problem. I just need your bank account details so we can transfer the payment.”

    Client: *short pause* “Who are you again?”

    Me: “I’m [my name] from [government department].”

    Client: “So this is [government department]? How do I know that’s true?”

    Me: “Well, you called me.”

    Client: “Did I? I’m still not sure. I think you’re faking it.”

    Me: “Well, sir, if you’re uncomfortable providing your bank account details over the phone, we can send the payment via cheque.”

    Client: “No, a cheque takes too long.”

    Me: “We currently don’t have your bank account details, so you will need provide them to us if you want electronic payment.”

    Client: “Well, that’s no good.”

    Me: “Cheque then, sir?”

    Client: “I guess, do I have to give you my address?”

    Me: “No, we already have your address unless…have you moved
    recently, sir?”

    Client: *exasperated sigh* “How would I know that?”

    All In A Muggle

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (The entrance to the office is a sliding glass door. A man is staring at the doorway looking forlorn as I’m working the reception desk.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: *shouting* “Yeah, I’m here to make a delivery!”

    Me: “You can just drop it off with me, sir.”

    Customer: *still shouting* “But how do I get in?”

    Me: “The door’s open.”

    Customer: “But where’s the door?”

    Me: “It’s right in front of you. It’s open.”

    Customer: “Okay, it’s unlocked, but how do I open it?”

    Me: “Just step forward!”

    (He cautiously puts his hands up and slowly walks through the open doorway, and smiles like he just found the entrance to Hogwarts.)

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