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  • Thank You Sir Cussalot

    | Nottingham, UK | Bizarre

    Me: “Hello, you’re through to the benefits department. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: *calmly* “Hi, yeah, I called up a minute ago, but I didn’t have my account details with me.”

    Me: “Okay, well if I could just take your details then please, sir, I’ll pull up your records.”

    Caller: “Sir?! How dare you f***ing call me sir?! I’ve never been so f***ing insulted in my life! Who on earth do you think you are, you f***ing b****?!”

    Obama Can’t Fix Stupid

    | Yonkers, NY, USA |

    (A couple is arguing with me; I’m a cashier at the city clerk’s office.)

    Man: “Why was my marriage license denied?”

    Me: *looking over the application* “Sir, you had 60 days after the license was issued for you to get married. The license is only valid for 60 days. It’s been over 3 months.”

    Woman: “But we got married here when we filled out the license.”

    Me: “You didn’t have the clerk or a magistrate officiate a ceremony or fill out the rest of the form, so you were not married. If you want to get another valid license and have someone marry you here, I can get you another form.”

    Man: “Fine…”

    (I go to get blank application and shows the couple where to put what information, where to sign, etc.)

    Me: “and we’ll need a check for $40.”

    Man: “But we already paid that! I’m not paying that again!”

    Me: “Sorry, but it says on the top of the application that the $40 fee is non-refundable, even if you miss the 60 day window. If you want another license you need to pay the fee again.”

    Woman: “This is stupid! We already got married here!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, yo–”

    Man: “WE AIN’T PAYIN’ AGAIN!”

    (The couple storms out. As they leave, I hear the man grumbling.)

    Man: “F**kin’ government. I thought that Obama was gonna fix this s**t!”

    A Complete Debarkle

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (I work in the call center for parks & gardens.)

    Me: “Parks & Gardens, may I help you?”

    Resident: “I want a new street tree, please.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Is there a problem with your current street tree?”

    Resident: “Yes. It doesn’t attract the native birds. I want a street tree that attracts native birds.”

    Me: “Okay. We don’t normally replace street trees just because they don’t attract birds. Other forms of wildlife use the street trees too. Is there anything actually wrong with the tree?”

    Resident: “Yes. It keeps on growing.”

    Stupidity That Can Be Seen From Space

    | Salinas, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Spouses & Partners

    (When taking a call from a customer who has a trash pickup problem I usually pull up an aerial picture to see what the property configuration is.)

    Me: “How may I help you sir?”

    Caller: “I think the garbage truck ran over my cement pad and broke the corner.”

    Me: “You mean the small pad on the north side of the driveway?”

    Caller: *long pause* “Do you memorize everyone’s property?”

    Me: “No, I pulled up your property on my computer and I’m looking at a picture of your front yard.”

    Caller: “Wow! That’s really amazing! Wait, wait, give me a second!”

    (The customer drops the phone and I can hear him calling someone as he leaves the room. About one minute later he gets back on the phone and is slightly out of breath.)

    Caller: “Can you see her now?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand?”

    Caller: “My wife, my wife, she’s out on the front lawn in the white bathrobe and curlers. I can see her waving up at you!”

    Perturbed By The Verb

    | Queens, NY, USA | Funny Names, Politics

    Caller: “You need to do something about that new surf shop. You need to shut them down.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we can’t just shut the surf shop down, but why don’t you tell me the problem?”

    Caller: “Well, they’re very inappropriate! My teenage daughter walked by the other day, and they ‘Googled’ her!”

    Me: “They ‘Googled’ your daughter?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “As she walked by?”

    Caller: “That’s what I’m telling you!”

    Me: “Do you mean they ‘ogled’ her?”

    Caller: “Same thing!”

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