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    Leaving The Country Is Fined By Us

    | Veendam, The Netherlands | Crazy Requests

    (I work at the Dutch version of the DMV. We get a lot of calls by people trying to get a fine waived. In most cases we can’t, and in some cases we can give the customer some slack.)

    Me: “This is [name]. How can I be of service?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want to complain about your service, and I want you to remove me out of your system!”

    (I’m a bit confused; since we are a government-controlled agency, it is a bit strange for someone to ‘cancel their subscription’ with us.)

    Me: “What issue are you having with us?

    Customer: “I got fined because I didn’t get my car inspected in time for my MOT!”

    (Note: Translated into English, ‘MOT’ is our Periodic Vehicle Inspection. Normally, we send out reminders as a courtesy, but we cannot be held responsible if a customer forgets to get their MOT done. This customer in particular did not have an MOT for about 9 months.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am going to try to repeat what you are saying so I know that I understand correctly. You want us to ‘cancel’ your ‘subscription’ to us, a government-controlled agency to which you, as a person living inside the country itself, are responsible to abide the laws on which owning a car are set?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want you to remove me from your system! I wish to go to your competitor!”

    Me: “Miss, with all due respect. I first of all do understand the discomfort of getting a fine for these kinds of laws. But don’t you agree that moving to a different country is a bit drastic, just because you do not want to get fined for your car?”

    Customer: *continues ranting*

    Me: “Miss, again, with all due respect, I do apologize for letting you feel like this. However, we have laws to which you, me and everyone needs to abide to. How unfair the fine may seem, I cannot undo it and I cannot take you out of our system.”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “Because that would be considered a criminal offense. It would also involve you, leaving our country and living abroad. We do not have a competitor. I wish I had other news for you, so I’m truly sorry.”

    Customer: “F*** you!”

    A Few Petals Short Of A Flower

    | USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

    (I work in Parks and Recreation, and our very public number means that we get a lot of interesting phone calls. An older woman calls me. Please note that it takes her at least a minute to say each sentence.)

    Me: “Parks and Rec, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to give you some ideas about going green.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, what can I do for you?”

    Caller: “Petunias. The city needs more petunias. Petunias everywhere.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, that sounds like a great idea. Our horticulturists are always looking for feedback from citizens.”

    Caller: “I’m not done. I want every household to get a basket of petunias, and if they let them die we need to punish them.”

    Me: “Um—”

    Caller: “We can make the ethnics do it. It will create responsibility for the drug-heads and the gangster children.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, if I can just—”

    Caller: “The petunias need to be protected. We need to have petunia gardens everywhere to create responsibility! It wouldn’t be hard, just go down to the prisons and make the ethnics—”

    Me: “Okay! Thanks for calling! Goodbye!”

    The Day The Earth Stood Tilled

    | Canada | Bizarre

    Me: “Department of Agriculture, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, I believe the department of agriculture is part of some sort of council. Is that right?”

    Me: “I suppose we are, with the other departments of the government.”

    Customer: “There are people in the council working against alien species, correct?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by alien species.”

    Customer: “I mean alien species in plants.”

    Me: “Oh, like weeds?”

    Customer: “Well, you could call them ‘weeds’ if that makes you feel better.”

    Me: “Uhm… well, I can transfer you to our weed specialist. He’ll be able to answer all your questions.”

    Customer: “‘Weed’ specialist… yes, that’ll do. By the way, how long has your number been ###-2666?”

    Me: “It’s always been this number, sir.”

    Customer: “Do you know what triple-6 means?”

    Me: “I’m assuming you’re speaking of the Devil?”

    Customer: “That is correct.”

    Me: “Well, I’m in no position to transfer you to the Devil, but I can transfer you to our weed specialist.”

    Customer: “The alien specialist, yes.”

    Me: “Uhm… okay. Have a good day, sir!”

    A-moooo-sing Customers, Part 2

    | France | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (We’re located in a small village in a rural area, but each year, we have plenty of foreign tourists. I’m the only person fluent in english at the office. One day, a family of tourists (a father, a mother and their teenage son and daughter) walk in.)

    Father: *in French* “Hello, sir. Can you help me to find how to go to a few places? I can’t find them on my map.”

    Me: *in French* “Sure, let me show you. May I see your map?”

    (As I show the father directions on his map, I see the kids giggling and chatting in English in the back. They’re making fun of my coworker.)

    Daughter: *in English* “God, this guy looks so stupid!”

    Son: *in English* “Totally! Look at his eyes! It totally looks like a cow’s eyes!”

    Daughter: *in English* “And look at his hair! Soooo dorky!”

    (The father says nothing, despite clearly hearing them.)

    Father: *in French* “Alright, I think I got it. Thank you for your time.”

    Me: “Mooooooooooooooo!”

    Father: *in French* “What are you doing?!”

    Me: *grinning, in English* “That’s the cow word for ‘Have a nice day.’”

    (The parents and their two children stay stunned for a second. Then, both parents start to laugh and the kids turn cherry red.)

    Mother: *laughing, in English* “Weren’t expecting that now, you two?”

    (Embarrassed, the kids try to leave, but the parents grab them both by their shoulders.)

    Son: *in English* “Let me go, Dad!”

    Father: *still laughing, in English* “We’re not leaving until both of you apologize to this man!”

    (The parents refused to move or let them go until I received an apology from both kids. The whole family left, the parents still joking and the kids almost running away.)

    Related:
    A-moooo-sing Customers

    Thank You Sir Cussalot

    | Nottingham, UK | Bizarre

    Me: “Hello, you’re through to the benefits department. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: *calmly* “Hi, yeah, I called up a minute ago, but I didn’t have my account details with me.”

    Me: “Okay, well if I could just take your details then please, sir, I’ll pull up your records.”

    Caller: “Sir?! How dare you f***ing call me sir?! I’ve never been so f***ing insulted in my life! Who on earth do you think you are, you f***ing b****?!”

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