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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Body Of Lies

    | Scotland, UK | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Themed Giveaway

    (I work in the ‘special collections’ department for the local authority. My job is to cover the reception area and take any orders for special collections over the counter. Usually people come in to get things such as TVs, furniture, and such uplifted.)

    Customer: “Hi. Is this the right office for booking a collection?”

    Me: “Yes. How many items do you need uplifted?”

    Customer: “Just one.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Is this for a business a personal residence?”

    Customer: “Personal Residence.” *leans closer to me over the counter in a creepy manner* “Is there any way this can be done discreetly?”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “I mean, can you not record my details. Can I just have the uplift, and pay extra to not have my details logged?”

    Me: “Um… No, not really. That’s not how we do it. We have to record your details. Now, what do you need uplifted?”

    Customer: “A dead body.”

    (We stare at each other in silence whilst I have the biggest mental panic attack ever. A few seconds pass before the customer bursts out laughing.)

    Customer: “I am so sorry. I’m just messing with you. You’re face was priceless! I have ALWAYS wanted to do that!”

    (The customer left, still laughing, while I stood there with my mouth hanging open in complete shock and amusement.)

    Doing A Disservice To Service With A Smile

    | UK | Bizarre, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in a call center that directs calls to local benefits offices. It’s a dull job, but I try to keep positive when I greet people on the phone.)

    Me: “Good morning, [Job Center] national switchboard, [Name] speaking; how can I help?”

    Caller: “You sound very happy.”

    Me: “Well, yes, it’s a nice day today! How can I help?”

    Caller: “No one at [Job Center] is happy. You can’t be at [Job Center]! You must be a scam!”

    (The caller hangs up.)

    Me: “…what just happened?”

    Leaving The Country Is Fined By Us

    | Veendam, The Netherlands | Crazy Requests

    (I work at the Dutch version of the DMV. We get a lot of calls by people trying to get a fine waived. In most cases we can’t, and in some cases we can give the customer some slack.)

    Me: “This is [name]. How can I be of service?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want to complain about your service, and I want you to remove me out of your system!”

    (I’m a bit confused; since we are a government-controlled agency, it is a bit strange for someone to ‘cancel their subscription’ with us.)

    Me: “What issue are you having with us?

    Customer: “I got fined because I didn’t get my car inspected in time for my MOT!”

    (Note: Translated into English, ‘MOT’ is our Periodic Vehicle Inspection. Normally, we send out reminders as a courtesy, but we cannot be held responsible if a customer forgets to get their MOT done. This customer in particular did not have an MOT for about 9 months.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am going to try to repeat what you are saying so I know that I understand correctly. You want us to ‘cancel’ your ‘subscription’ to us, a government-controlled agency to which you, as a person living inside the country itself, are responsible to abide the laws on which owning a car are set?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want you to remove me from your system! I wish to go to your competitor!”

    Me: “Miss, with all due respect. I first of all do understand the discomfort of getting a fine for these kinds of laws. But don’t you agree that moving to a different country is a bit drastic, just because you do not want to get fined for your car?”

    Customer: *continues ranting*

    Me: “Miss, again, with all due respect, I do apologize for letting you feel like this. However, we have laws to which you, me and everyone needs to abide to. How unfair the fine may seem, I cannot undo it and I cannot take you out of our system.”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “Because that would be considered a criminal offense. It would also involve you, leaving our country and living abroad. We do not have a competitor. I wish I had other news for you, so I’m truly sorry.”

    Customer: “F*** you!”

    A Few Petals Short Of A Flower

    | USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

    (I work in Parks and Recreation, and our very public number means that we get a lot of interesting phone calls. An older woman calls me. Please note that it takes her at least a minute to say each sentence.)

    Me: “Parks and Rec, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to give you some ideas about going green.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, what can I do for you?”

    Caller: “Petunias. The city needs more petunias. Petunias everywhere.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, that sounds like a great idea. Our horticulturists are always looking for feedback from citizens.”

    Caller: “I’m not done. I want every household to get a basket of petunias, and if they let them die we need to punish them.”

    Me: “Um—”

    Caller: “We can make the ethnics do it. It will create responsibility for the drug-heads and the gangster children.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, if I can just—”

    Caller: “The petunias need to be protected. We need to have petunia gardens everywhere to create responsibility! It wouldn’t be hard, just go down to the prisons and make the ethnics—”

    Me: “Okay! Thanks for calling! Goodbye!”

    The Day The Earth Stood Tilled

    | Canada | Bizarre

    Me: “Department of Agriculture, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, I believe the department of agriculture is part of some sort of council. Is that right?”

    Me: “I suppose we are, with the other departments of the government.”

    Customer: “There are people in the council working against alien species, correct?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by alien species.”

    Customer: “I mean alien species in plants.”

    Me: “Oh, like weeds?”

    Customer: “Well, you could call them ‘weeds’ if that makes you feel better.”

    Me: “Uhm… well, I can transfer you to our weed specialist. He’ll be able to answer all your questions.”

    Customer: “‘Weed’ specialist… yes, that’ll do. By the way, how long has your number been ###-2666?”

    Me: “It’s always been this number, sir.”

    Customer: “Do you know what triple-6 means?”

    Me: “I’m assuming you’re speaking of the Devil?”

    Customer: “That is correct.”

    Me: “Well, I’m in no position to transfer you to the Devil, but I can transfer you to our weed specialist.”

    Customer: “The alien specialist, yes.”

    Me: “Uhm… okay. Have a good day, sir!”


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