(A local officer picked this woman up off the street for Public Intoxication. He brought her to the jail to be booked in.)

Me: “Ma’am please move over to the counter.”

Her: “I don’t want to order anything, I’m not hungry.”

Me: “Ma’am I need to remove the handcuffs and search you.”

Her: “I don’t own any handcuffs.”

Me: “Ma’am do you know where you are?”

Her: “Yeah, at the store but I don’t like what you have done with it.”

Me: “Ma’am how much have you had to drink tonight?”

Her: “OH I don’t drink, I’m a dietitian!”

Me: *furrows eyebrows* “Do you mean diabetic?”

Her: “Whatever I doesn’t … er … didn’t drink anything but some Orange Juice … the bottle is in my purse.”

(I open her purse and find not only the bottle with OJ in it but an empty bottle of Vodka. The OJ in the bottle was almost see through she had so much Vodka in it.)

Me: “Good Afternoon, Mississippi Department of xxxxxx. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I would like y’all to get me some food stamps. My kids are hungry and I got fired last week.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t issue food stamps. You need to contact the Department of Human Services.”

Caller: “What?! My cousin told me to call y’all and y’all would get us fed. I know the State has lots of monies, can’t you just send us some?”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, you need to call DHS and they will be able to assist you.”

Caller: “F*** You! The G**-D***** State never does a damn thing for us poor folks! I hope you feel the fires of hell for starving children!” *click*

Me: *stunned silence*