Has One Of Those Genderal Voices

| Wales, UK | Bizarre, Health & Body

(I work in the departmental switchboard, so I field calls. If someone’s on their phone or even logged out, the calls reroute to me/ Normally people are fine with me taking messages.)

Me: “Bore da. Good morning.  [Local Government].”

Customer: “Hello! Is that [Male Colleague]?”

Me: “Nope, [Colleague] is off sick at the moment. If you tell me your query I can direct you to somebody else who may be able to help.”

Customer: “Oh, it IS you [Male Colleague]!”

Me: “Ma’am. I am not [Male Colleague], I am [Female Name] and you’re through to switchboard. What’s your query?”

Customer: “How did your op go, [Male Colleague]? I didn’t realise it was THAT kind of op!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am NOT [Male Colleague]. If you tell me what your call is regarding, perhaps I can help you.”

Customer: *ignoring me* “Cruciate ligament, you said. Well, now we know better. I think [Female Name] is a great choice! Good for you!”

Me: “Ma’am, [Male Colleague] is still on sick. He did not have gender reassignment surgery. I am a different person. And I would like, very much, to help you with your query.”

Customer: “It’s okay. I’ll see you at [Local Pub] on Friday. We can have a chat ‘off the record’ and I’ll bring you my favourite lipstick.” *click*

(All my switchboard colleagues, who’ve only heard my half of the conversation, are staring at me.)

Me: “Yeah, I have no idea either.”

Always Time For A Rhyme

| UK | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Language & Words, Top

(Our county council has online web-forms for people to get in touch.)

Customer Email:

“The winds outside blew and blew
and my bin lid verily flew
in a lickety split
I emailed you quick
to request a brand new one from you”

(Since the customer did not tell us whether it was her recycling or refuse bin that broke in the weather I have to contact her back. It is the first time I have EVER received a request in limerick form, so I decide to phone the lady. Unfortunately, it goes to voicemail.)

Me: *to the voicemail*

“The council received your request
but you leave us a little perplexed
Amidst rhyming hype
forgot ye the type
of the bin-lid you meant to suggest”

Gotta Find Johnny Cash

| USA | Crazy Requests, Money

(My office handles reports of fraud, but has a reputation for trying to help everybody who calls in, even if it’s nothing that we usually handle.)

Me: “[Office], [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This guy is getting benefit checks and he’s working! He does odd jobs around the trailer park where we both live.”

Me: “Okay. We’re not the right place for this, but if you tell me a little more about what’s going on, I can try to find the right place for you.”

Caller: “His name is Johnny, and I don’t know what his space number is.”

Me: “Do you know who he gets his checks from?”

Caller: “Nope, don’t see him at the mailbox. But he brags about it.”

Me: “Do you know what kind of benefit checks he’s getting?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I’m not sure on where to tell you to go.”

Caller: “Why don’t you take the information? You’re the fraud department, aren’t you? His name is Johnny, the trailer park is at [address], and he’s getting money from the government that he shouldn’t! Just write that down and investigate it.”

Me: “Do you have a surname for Johnny?”

Caller: “Nope.”

Me: *inwardly sighing* “Well, I’ll do my best to get this to the right people.”

Caller: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

(At this point, my coworker comes over as I’m staring at the notes from the call.)

Coworker: “What was that all about?”

Me: “I think I’ve found the fraud line equivalent of ‘I once read a book. It was blue.'”

Laptop Flop, Part 6

| USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work as a computer tech for a major university that has a contract with a government agency. The laptops issued to the government agents are standard except for the software. We try to diagnose and repair everything over the phone, and when we can’t resolve the problem, the customers are required to ship the laptops to us.)

Me: “[Organization]. This is [My Name].”

Customer: “Yeah, I accidentally spilled some soda into my laptop keyboard.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “So I shut it off immediately, but the keys were all sticky.”

Me: “Okay, so we—”

Customer: “So I decided that I would run it through the dishwasher.”

Me: “You what?”

Customer: “So yeah, I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything if I didn’t turn it on right away, while it was still wet.”

Me: “So, your laptop is—”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t want to wait for it to dry. So I figured I could use a blow dryer on it.”

(A blow dryer typically heats up to less than 160 degrees F or about 71 degrees C.)

Me: “So the laptop needs—”

Customer: “But I didn’t actually have a blow dryer, I only had a heat gun.”

(Heat guns are shop and industrial tools used to melt plastics, solder, and a host of other things, often generating heat in the 1100 degrees F [about 600 C] range. Keyboards can melt at temperatures as low as 200 degrees F/93 degrees C.)

Me: “So, you need to—”

Customer: “So, the whole middle of the laptop is melted. Do you think I need to send it in?”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, just ship it to us, we will ship a replacement.”

Related:
Laptop Flop, Part 5
Laptop Flop, Part 4
Laptop Flop, Part 3

Takes A Toll On The Soul

| USA | Bizarre, Money, Religion

(I am a phone customer service rep for a government agency that has been strongly encouraging constituents to use our website for basic governmental functions. It is my first day out of training.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello. I just want to know if you charge spiritual taxes to people of certain religious beliefs?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Spiritual taxes. Do you charge them for using your website?”

Me: “… I think that’s more a question for your religious leader of choice, but no, to the best of my knowledge we do not charge taxes on the soul for using our website.”

Caller: “Oh, wonderful!” *click*

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