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    Bottom-Rung Bozos

    | Florida, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (This takes place in a small, mom-and-pop gift store. Note: I am about 7 months pregnant when this takes place.)

    Customer: “Hey you, girl! I need one of those games at the top of the shelf.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem, sir. Just give me a moment to finish up here and I’ll grab it.”

    Customer: “Well, hurry up!”

    (The customer continues to mutter about me being useless. I go to grab the ladder when my coworker, who happens to be the owner’s son, sees this.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Oh hey…you don’t need to be on that ladder. I got it.”

    Customer: *to coworker* “What?! No, I asked her. Let her do it!”

    Coworker: “Sir, it’s not safe for her to be up there right now.”

    Customer: “YOU SHOULDN’T BE ACCOMMODATING TO FATTIES!”

    (Note: the customer himself is extremely large.)

    Coworker: “Sir, she’s pregnant, not fat.”

    Customer: “Stupid b**** is just fat! You shouldn’t accommodate fatties! She’s just a fat b****! Make her do her job! STOP ACCOMMODATING THE FATTIES!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m seven months pregnant, not fat, and if you continue to use vulgar language, I will have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “You stupid b****! Do your d*** job, you stupid fat a**!”

    Me: “I’m refusing you service. Please leave.”

    Customer: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! GET THAT D*** GAME! I PAY YOUR SALARY!”

    (The owner, who has overheard the entire exchange, comes over.)

    Owner: “Sir, you shouldn’t be carrying on and calling people fatties…especially pregnant women.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

    Owner: “I’ll do you one better: I own this store, and if I see you in my store again, I will have you arrested for trespassing. Oh…and NO, you don’t pay her salary: I do, and I plan to give her a big raise after this.”

    Customer: “SCREW YOU! You can’t talk to me this way. I’m a paying customer!”

    Coworker: “Hey buddy, you just blow in from stupid town? You haven’t bought anything.”

    Customer: “DON’T ACCOMMODATE FATTIES!”

    (In his anger, he knocks down a rack of merchandise over and hauls out of the store as fast as he can.)

    Coworker: “I’m going to call the police…”

    (The customer was arrested less than a block away, and I got a raise.)

    A Mammoth Mistake

    | Alaska, USA | Extra Stupid

    (The gift shop I work in has many ivory jewelry and sculpture pieces. The ivory is from woolly mammoths that used to roam Alaska.)

    Customer: “Where does the woolly mammoth ivory come from?”

    Me: “The tusks are collected on the northern tundra by Alaskan Natives. The Natives carve the ivory and then sell it to us.”

    Customer: “I think it’s so great that people aren’t allowed to hunt the mammoths anymore! I hate hunters!”

    Social (Network) Security

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Your total is [total].”

    Customer: *hands me a credit card*

    Me: “Thanks, I just need to see a photo ID with this.”

    Customer: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “Well, do you have a school, work, or military ID? Pretty much any way to match your name and face will work.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t have…wait!”

    (The customer digs in her purse and pulls out a phone.)

    Customer: “I have a Facebook, will that work?”

    (The customer pulls up her account and shows it to the clerk.)

    Me: “Well I guess for today, but next time we’ll need a physical ID.”

    (The customer finishes paying and the next customer steps up.)

    Customer 2: “Now just to let you know I don’t have my ID either, but I do have a MySpace.”

    For Everything Else, There’s TasterCard

    , | United Kingdom | Top

    Me: “That’s ¬£26.50, please.”

    Customer: “Can I pay by card?”

    Me: “Sure. Please enter your card into the machine, and then put in your pin code.”

    Customer: “Right, are these machines waterproof?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

    Customer: “I wouldn’t get an electric shock from one, would I?”

    Me: “Err, no?”

    (Suddenly, the customer bends his head down and uses his mouth to cover up the keys. He then uses his tongue to try and push down the numbers of his pin code.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop! That’s incredibly unhygenic.”

    Customer: “But it’s the only way to keep it safe!”

    Me: “Have you considered covering the keys with your hand instead of your mouth?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it’s not as safe!”

    Me: “I’m afraid we’re just going to have to risk that. We can’t have you licking our machines.”

    Customer: “Bah!”

    On The Politically Proper Placement of Puzzles

    , | Mesa, AZ, USA |

    Customer: “THIS STORE IS RACIST! YOU ARE RACIST!”

    Me: *confused* “Um… why?”

    Customer: “Your Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf! I demand to speak to your manager!

    Me: “Okay, go ahead. I’m the manager on duty.”

    Customer: “This is an insult to me that your Native American puzzles are on the lower shelf. This is racism!”

    Me: “So, I’m a racist because the Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf…”

    (I look at the shelf and notice some animal puzzles on the very bottom shelf.)

    Me: “Well, I hope PETA doesn’t find these puppy puzzles down here then.”

    Customer: *storms off*

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