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    There… Are… Four… Pumps!

    | NM, USA | Crazy Requests, Top, Transportation

    (One of my regulars comes in.)

    Regular: “$20 on pump five.”

    Me: “We don’t have a pump five. We only have four pumps.”

    Regular: “Yes you do. I’m on the white car.”

    (I look out the window to see what pump she’s on, and I am surprised to see four white cars.)

    Me: “Which white car one is yours, ma’am?”

    Regular: “The white one!”

    Me: “Ma’am, all the cars on the pumps are white; what make is yours?”

    Regular: “THE WHITE ONE! Just put $20 on five so I can go!”

    Me: “We still don’t have a pump five, and I’m trying to find out what car is yours, seeing as no one else is in here to tell me what one isn’t theirs.”

    Regular: “It is your job to know exactly what car is mine! I have no reason to tell you what car is mine; just put my gas on pump five so I can get out of here.”

    Me: “Okay, fine, I will put $20 on pump five.”

    Regular: “Now was that so hard?”

    (The customer leaves, and I sit and wait for her to return to complain that her gas isn’t pumping. Seeing as I should know her car, and have explained that we don’t have a pump five, I don’t put the money in when she picks up the handle for pump four.)

    Regular: “Why isn’t my gas pumping on pump four?”

    Me: “I put it on pump five, like you asked.”

    Regular: “IT’S PUMP FOUR! GOD, LEARN MY CAR ALREADY!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I have over 100 regulars who come into this store. If I memorized every one of their cars, I wouldn’t have to room for anything else. Next time you are in, remember we don’t have a pump five, and we are not required to know what car you drive. I’m just here to take money and push buttons.”

    Regular: “Useless… just useless! I’m late for work because of you! My job is more important!”

    Me: “Oh goody! Where do you work?”

    Regular: “At [local fast food restaurant].”

    Me: “Well, okay then. If you hadn’t actually been fighting with me, and simply explained that you were on the back pump closest to the fence, you’d be on your way to your job. Have a nice day!”

    Regular: “I’m never shopping here again!”

    Me: “See you next week.”

    (I did.)

    They Need A Backup Sign

    | OR, USA | Theme Of The Month, Top, Transportation, Wild & Unruly

    (A customer pulls up to the pumps, but her tank is on the other side of the car.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, can you back up and go to the other side of the pump?”

    (The customer gets a look of sheer and utter panic.)

    Customer: “No! I don’t backup. You do it. I don’t know how.”

    (The customer tries to give me the keys to her car.)

    Me: “Uhm, sorry but no, ma’am. I am not allowed to get in a customer’s car, or drive it. If you don’t want to back up you can pull forward out of the lot, circle the block, and try again.”

    Customer: “No! That will take too long. How do I backup?! Can’t you do it?”

    Me: “Well, you shift you car into reverse, and gently press on the gas. It will go backwards. When you have gone past the pump press your brake, shift back to drive and pull up on the other side.”

    (She stares at me like I am speaking a foreign language. With a little more coaching and pointing from me, she manages to get her car in reverse. She then slams her foot on the gas, backs up all the way across the station, and slams into the sign that shows our gas prices, wrecking the sign, and the back of her car.)

    Customer: “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

    Me: “Actually, lady, it’s yours. And I think a little blame goes to whoever gave you a license without teaching you to backup.”

    Barking Up The Wrong Family Tree

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Money, Top

    (Note: I am a teenager.)

    Me: “Hey, what can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “I have these gift cards, and I would like to exchange them for cash.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I cant do that. It’s store policy, as gift cards have no monetary value.”

    (People are starting to line up behind the customer, and they are starting to get noticeably agitated, having to wait.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any idea who you’re speaking to?”

    Me: “Not even a clue.”

    Customer: “My father owns this store! Now give me my money, or I’ll have you fired!”

    (The owner of the store is in the back, so I call him out.)

    Me: “Boss, your daughter’s here to see you!”

    Boss: “Daughter? I don’t have a daughter.”

    (The customer’s face is growing red, and the people behind her start to laugh. I can tell she wants to run away, but she’s in too deep. My boss comes to the front to see what’s going on. My boss is an Indian man in his 60′s.)

    Boss: “What are you talking about?”

    Me: “This lady right here.”

    (The white customer in her early 20s dips her head, and runs out of the store.)

    Boss: “Maybe she forgot where her dad’s store is?”

    A Fuelish Thing To Do

    | Italy | Extra Stupid

    (It’s a particularly cold evening. I’m chatting with a regular, while filling his tank.)

    Regular: “It’s so cold today; you know what you should do?”

    Me: “What?”

    Regular: “You should take a barrel, put it in the middle of the pumps, fill it with wood, then light it up to warm the place.”

    Me: “…I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

    Regular: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because I don’t want to die.”

    Looking For A Toast To The East Coast

    | WI, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Geography

    (I work the night shift. We regularly get the bar crowd in trying to buy beer after the bars close. Due to a city ordinance, we can’t sell it after midnight.)

    Drunk Customer: “Where is all your beer?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir; we can’t sell beer after midnight.”

    Drunk Customer: “Well, where can I get beer?”

    Me: *jokingly* “I think the bars are still open in New York City!”

    Drunk Customer: “Cool, how do I get there?”

    Me: “It’s over one thousand miles away.”

    Drunk Customer: “No, which direction is it from here?”

    Coworker: “That way.” *points east*

    Drunk Customer: “Cool, well thanks.”

    (He stumbles out towards his car. I turn to my coworker.)

    Me: “You’d better call the police.”

    Coworker: “Already on it.”

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