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    Hear-Resistible

    | Greenville, SC, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (Both of my earlobes are stretched to half an inch.)

    Young Girl: *in a loud kid’s whisper* “Mommy, her ears are broken!”

    Mother: *mortified* “I am SO sorry!”

    Me: *laughing* “No, no, it’s fine! That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day!”

    Cougar Town

    | Plattsburg, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a small town gas station where you can pump your fuel before you pay. A little old lady—who is probably in her 80s—comes in to pay for fuel.)

    Old Lady: “I guess you want my money, right?”

    Me: *smiling* “I’d hate to call the cops on you.”

    Old Lady: “But it would spice up my day!”

    Coworker: “You should let them pursue you!”

    Old Lady: “Are there any cute ones on duty?”

    Me: “Sherman?”

    Coworker: “Eh. But he looks about 12.”

    Old Lady: “But you find them young to raise them how you want!”

    Not All Customers Are Sick

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Awesome Customers, Health & Body, Top

    (A customer comes up to my counter.)

    Customer: “I have a fascinating offer to make you.”

    Me: “Uh-oh?”

    Customer: “If you let me use some cleaners, and give me a free water from the fountain, I’ll clean up the mess I just made throwing up all over your bathroom.”

    Me: “Oh… Well, the fountain drinks don’t have water, but I’ll get you some. [Coworker] over there is actually cleaning the men’s room right now, so you can talk to him.”

    Customer: “Thank you. I’m sorry.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s alright.”

    (She does indeed borrow some cleaning spray and some towels, and disappears into the women’s restroom for a few minutes. My coworker approaches.)

    Coworker: “What was that all about?”

    Me: “She didn’t say?”

    Coworker: “She just said you said it was okay to borrow the cleaning supplies.”

    Me: “Oh. She said she threw up and wanted to clean it up.”

    Coworker: “Really?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    (She comes back out at the end of this conversation.)

    Customer: “Again, I’m really, really sorry.”

    Me: “Most other customers would have just left it there and not even told us. You told us, apologized, and helped us clean it. You can come in here and throw up every night for all I care. Hope you feel better!”

    Making You Feel Washed Out

    | Maple Ridge, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

    (A customer has purchased a car wash.)

    Customer: “I’ve never done this here before. What do I do now?”

    Me: “Oh, it’s very simple. Just pull around to the entrance over there, and punch this code here into the keypad there. Then the red light will go green. Just drive in slowly until it turns red. It’ll wash your car, and when it goes green again you can go. Make sure you’ve rolled all the windows up before you go in.”

    Customer: “Wait, I go in on the… red?

    Me: “No, it’s just like a traffic light. Stop on the red, go on the green.”

    Customer: “So, I go in when it goes…?”

    Me: “When it turns green, yes. Just like a traffic light. Red means stop, green means go.”

    Customer: “What do I do when it’s red?”

    Me: “You stop. The brushes move around you, and when it’s done, the light will go green again, and you can go.”

    Customer: “So I stop on the red, and go on the green? No, wait, that’s not right…”

    Me: “No, that’s right. It’s JUST like a traffic light. When it turns green you drive in; when it turns red you stop.”

    Customer: “So, I… go in when it’s green?”

    Me: “Yup! Green means go. They both start with G’s, so it’s easy to remember.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay! So green means go. Okay! But then red means…?”

    Me: “Red means stop. Just like a traffic light.”

    (The customer goes, clutching her code and repeating ‘Green means go, red means stop’ under her breath. Sure enough, she runs into trouble, and we have to go out and help her. The worst part is that SHE DROVE HERE.)

    Out Of Gas And Out Of Patience

    | MD, USA | Bad Behavior, Transportation

    (It is the winter in the 70s, when people get their gas ration for the week according to the last number on the license plate. It is around 6am, and I need to drive to the gas station, get around the line of cars waiting, and open the pump. A customer in line starts shouting at me.)

    Customer: “Hey! Kid! Quit cutting in the d*** line! I’ve been here an hour in this d*** cold! You can get your d*** gas when I’m done!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve just got to—”

    Customer: “Don’t give me that; quit cutting in the line! Get to the back!”

    (The customer proceeds to block his car in. I get out and walk to the pump. Other customers greet me by name, ask about the family, etc. Soon the irate customer pulls up to the pump.)

    Customer: “Fill it.”

    Me: *hangs the handle up* “I’m sorry, we’re out.”

    Customer: “But I’ve been sitting here running my car!”

    Me: “You should have thought of that before I had to walk up. Other customers used more gas, too. See you next week!”

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