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    Best Just To Enable Them

    | Newark, OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

    (A customer in her mid-40s comes up to the kiosk.)

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I put in my card at the pump, and it tells me ‘Pump Enabled.’”

    Me: “…Yes?”

    Customer: “What does ‘Enabled’ mean?”

    Me: “Well, it means that you can work the pump. The transaction is probably going to time out by time you walk back to the pump, but try again. All it means is that the pump is working.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Thank you.”

    (The customer walks off and I continue counting cigarettes. After a few minutes, she comes back.)

    Me: “Oh, welcome back!”

    Customer: “It still says ‘Pump Enabled.’”

    Me: “Go ahead and pump your gas, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Thanks.”

    (She walks away, but after a few moments, I see her walking back to the kiosk.)

    Me: “Ma’am, let me help you…”

    Screening Out The Stupids

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Transportation

    (Our car wash has an intercom in front so customers that have trouble can reach us inside the store. It’s a beautiful summer day, so the car wash doors are open.)

    Customer: *over the intercom* “Hello?”

    Me: “Yes, sir? How can I help you?”

    Customer: *unintelligible*

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: *unintelligible*

    Coworker: “I’ll go out there.”

    Me: “Sorry, we’re not hearing you clearly in here. I’ll send someone out.”

    Customer: “Hello? HELLO?”

    Me: “Sir, someone will be right there.”

    Customer: “HELLO?”

    (The customer starts banging on the intercom. I see my coworker on the camera, and shut off the intercom. After a minute, the car drives in, and my coworker comes back.)

    Coworker: “Well, that guy wins the idiot of the year.”

    Me: “What happened?”

    Coworker: “He said the screen froze and he couldn’t go further.”

    Me: “Okay?”

    Coworker: “So I pointed out that the screen said ‘Please enter car wash.’”

    He Is Irony Man

    | Lansing, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work third shift at a local gas station, and have just finished ringing a customer up.)

    Me: “Do you have a rewards card with us, sir?”

    Customer: “No, and I don’t want one. That’s just a way for people I don’t know to track the things I’m buying!”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir. Your total today is [total].”

    Customer: “Alright, I’ll be putting it on my credit card.”

    Hasn’t Got A Leg To Stand On

    | OK, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am mopping the floor when a customer walks in and proceeds to slip and fall.)

    Customer: “I’M GOING TO SUE! You could have KILLED ME!”

    Me: “Sir, there’s just two things wrong with your plan. One, I have ‘Caution – Wet Floor’ signs all over the store.”

    Customer: “Well I didn’t see them! I think I broke my leg!”

    Me: “Regardless, the store is released of all liability because they are out in highly visible places, and you just fell by one.”

    Customer: “I WANT YOUR MANAGER, NOW!”

    Me: “The other thing wrong with your plan is that I haven’t mopped over there yet. The floor is dry.”

    (The customer gets up on his ‘broken’ leg and scurries out.)

    Full-Blown Self-Serve

    | Beverly Hills, CA, USA | Money, Transportation

    (I am a caregiver, driving my client’s car to a gas station. My client is a reasonably well-off widow of a Hollywood big shot.)

    Me: “Do you want self-serve or full service?”

    Client: “Self is fine.”

    (As I pull into the pump, I pass an employee sweeping outside the building.)

    Client: “Honk at him!”

    Me: “Um… why?”

    Client: “To get him to help us.”

    Me: “Oh, so you want full service?”

    Client: “No, I just want him to come here and put the thing in, and check the oil.”

    Me: “Um, I can do that. I pump my own gas all the time.”

    Client: “I know dear. I don’t care. I want him to do it.”

    (My client gets out of the car and flags down two separate employees, who pump her gas and check her fluids. She pays and we leave.)

    Me: “So, you did want full service. Why did you want me to go to self-serve?”

    Client: “It’s cheaper!”

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