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    He Is Irony Man

    | Lansing, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work third shift at a local gas station, and have just finished ringing a customer up.)

    Me: “Do you have a rewards card with us, sir?”

    Customer: “No, and I don’t want one. That’s just a way for people I don’t know to track the things I’m buying!”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir. Your total today is [total].”

    Customer: “Alright, I’ll be putting it on my credit card.”

    Hasn’t Got A Leg To Stand On

    | OK, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am mopping the floor when a customer walks in and proceeds to slip and fall.)

    Customer: “I’M GOING TO SUE! You could have KILLED ME!”

    Me: “Sir, there’s just two things wrong with your plan. One, I have ‘Caution – Wet Floor’ signs all over the store.”

    Customer: “Well I didn’t see them! I think I broke my leg!”

    Me: “Regardless, the store is released of all liability because they are out in highly visible places, and you just fell by one.”

    Customer: “I WANT YOUR MANAGER, NOW!”

    Me: “The other thing wrong with your plan is that I haven’t mopped over there yet. The floor is dry.”

    (The customer gets up on his ‘broken’ leg and scurries out.)

    Full-Blown Self-Serve

    | Beverly Hills, CA, USA | Money, Transportation

    (I am a caregiver, driving my client’s car to a gas station. My client is a reasonably well-off widow of a Hollywood big shot.)

    Me: “Do you want self-serve or full service?”

    Client: “Self is fine.”

    (As I pull into the pump, I pass an employee sweeping outside the building.)

    Client: “Honk at him!”

    Me: “Um… why?”

    Client: “To get him to help us.”

    Me: “Oh, so you want full service?”

    Client: “No, I just want him to come here and put the thing in, and check the oil.”

    Me: “Um, I can do that. I pump my own gas all the time.”

    Client: “I know dear. I don’t care. I want him to do it.”

    (My client gets out of the car and flags down two separate employees, who pump her gas and check her fluids. She pays and we leave.)

    Me: “So, you did want full service. Why did you want me to go to self-serve?”

    Client: “It’s cheaper!”

    Hear-Resistible

    | Greenville, SC, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (Both of my earlobes are stretched to half an inch.)

    Young Girl: *in a loud kid’s whisper* “Mommy, her ears are broken!”

    Mother: *mortified* “I am SO sorry!”

    Me: *laughing* “No, no, it’s fine! That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day!”

    Cougar Town

    | Plattsburg, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a small town gas station where you can pump your fuel before you pay. A little old lady—who is probably in her 80s—comes in to pay for fuel.)

    Old Lady: “I guess you want my money, right?”

    Me: *smiling* “I’d hate to call the cops on you.”

    Old Lady: “But it would spice up my day!”

    Coworker: “You should let them pursue you!”

    Old Lady: “Are there any cute ones on duty?”

    Me: “Sherman?”

    Coworker: “Eh. But he looks about 12.”

    Old Lady: “But you find them young to raise them how you want!”

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