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    Born To Offend

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

    Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

    Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

    Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

    Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, and have a nice day.”

    Woman: “LIAR!”

    Guess Whose Picture Is Next To “Pyrrhic”

    | Little Neck, NY, USA | Top

    (We sell milk for 2.99 a gallon. Some kid pulled the “.” and the “9″ off so it says 29 dollars. Not surprisingly, a lady comes in to buy a gallon and hands me thirty dollars.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you just gave me a twenty and 10 singles to buy milk. It’s only $2.99.”

    Lady: “Well that’s not what the sign says! it says 29 dollars!”

    Me: “But ma’am, you’re paying more money than it actually costs.”

    Lady: “I don’t care how much it costs! Just do your job and give me my f**king milk for 29 dollars!”

    Me: “Okay, If that’s what you want…” *gives her a dollar back*

    Lady: “Thank you! If you had just done your job I would’ve been out of here by now!”

    Me: “Have a great day!”

    Fully Armed And Operational Feminine Wiles

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (A very attractive woman gets out of a Mercedes. She is wearing a mini skirt and halter top. Her outfit leaves nothing to the imagination.)

    Attractive Customer: “I need 20 on 3.”

    Me: “Okay.” *I ring her up and she pays*

    Attractive Customer: “So is someone else working or do you pump the gas?”

    Me: “This is a self-service station; we don’t pump the gas for you.”

    Attractive Customer: “Well, there is no way I am pumping the gas myself.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t pump the gas for you.”

    Attractive Customer: “This is no way to get a tip! I am the customer and I want you to pump the gas for me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but if I leave the counter I could be fired. As I said this is a self service station; it means you have to do it yourself.”

    Attractive Customer: “FINE!”

    (She then walks out to her car and yells…)

    Attractive Customer: “Is someone going to pump me or do I have to do it myself?!”

    *every guy at the station goes running over to help her*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Big Yellow Warning Bags Are Your Friend

    | Ames, IA, USA | Top

    (A girl pulls up to a gas pump. I’m watching her through the window from behind the cash register as she removes the OUT OF ORDER BAG placed over the pump (clearly marked, bright yellow bag) and throws it in the trash next to her. She plays around with it for a while and then walks toward the door.)

    Girl: “Your pumps aren’t working.”

    Me: “Go back outside, pull the bag that you just threw away out of the trash and read it. That should solve the problem.”

    One-Woman Wrecking Crew

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 5

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It’s about closing time, and I’m doing the final stock of the tobacco stuffs, while a police officer (there because of problems with stealing of in-store merchandise) writes out his nightly report. In walks a very short person, obviously under 19, whiter than Casper, and dressed like a pimp.)

    Short Pimp: “Packa Players!”

    Me: “ID?”

    SP: “What?”

    Me: “I need to see your ID, or you can’t have ‘em.”

    SP: “You don’t need my ID! I’m 21!” *starts cussing*

    Me: “Yes, but we have to ask if you look under 40, so hand it over.”

    SP: “Well, you’re giving me the smokes anyways–and for free now because of the way you’re treating me.”

    Me: “Uh-huh, and I’m Bill Gates.”

    SP: “Fine! Here’s my ****ing ID!.” *hands over an obviously fake ID*

    Me: “Okay, do you have a real ID?”

    SP: “That is real, a**hole!”

    Me: “Dude, no it isn’t. If you’re gonna use a fake ID, get someone who can at least spell Ontario.”

    SP: “FINE! I’ll just shoot you, and take what I want!

    (Short Pimp sticks his hand in his pocket, and pretends that there’s a gun in there.)

    Me: “Right, because a cop totally isn’t standing right behind you with his very real gun at the back of your head.”

    (At this point Officer Cool Guy had gotten up, and pulled his “very real gun” [read: just his night stick, but held like a gun] on Short Pimp, but SP didn’t know that.)

    SP: “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Next time try [competing gas station], and don’t come back.”

    (Once SP leaves Officer Cool Guy and I try very hard not to bust out laughing.)

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 4
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

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