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    Big Yellow Warning Bags Are Your Friend

    | Ames, IA, USA | Top

    (A girl pulls up to a gas pump. I’m watching her through the window from behind the cash register as she removes the OUT OF ORDER BAG placed over the pump (clearly marked, bright yellow bag) and throws it in the trash next to her. She plays around with it for a while and then walks toward the door.)

    Girl: “Your pumps aren’t working.”

    Me: “Go back outside, pull the bag that you just threw away out of the trash and read it. That should solve the problem.”

    One-Woman Wrecking Crew

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 5

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It’s about closing time, and I’m doing the final stock of the tobacco stuffs, while a police officer (there because of problems with stealing of in-store merchandise) writes out his nightly report. In walks a very short person, obviously under 19, whiter than Casper, and dressed like a pimp.)

    Short Pimp: “Packa Players!”

    Me: “ID?”

    SP: “What?”

    Me: “I need to see your ID, or you can’t have ‘em.”

    SP: “You don’t need my ID! I’m 21!” *starts cussing*

    Me: “Yes, but we have to ask if you look under 40, so hand it over.”

    SP: “Well, you’re giving me the smokes anyways–and for free now because of the way you’re treating me.”

    Me: “Uh-huh, and I’m Bill Gates.”

    SP: “Fine! Here’s my ****ing ID!.” *hands over an obviously fake ID*

    Me: “Okay, do you have a real ID?”

    SP: “That is real, a**hole!”

    Me: “Dude, no it isn’t. If you’re gonna use a fake ID, get someone who can at least spell Ontario.”

    SP: “FINE! I’ll just shoot you, and take what I want!

    (Short Pimp sticks his hand in his pocket, and pretends that there’s a gun in there.)

    Me: “Right, because a cop totally isn’t standing right behind you with his very real gun at the back of your head.”

    (At this point Officer Cool Guy had gotten up, and pulled his “very real gun” [read: just his night stick, but held like a gun] on Short Pimp, but SP didn’t know that.)

    SP: “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Next time try [competing gas station], and don’t come back.”

    (Once SP leaves Officer Cool Guy and I try very hard not to bust out laughing.)

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 4
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    How About Smacking You Upside The Head

    | Cornwall, ON, Canada |

    (Customer comes in after filling his car.)

    Me: “G’day sir, pump number 4?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “That’ll be $47.90.”

    Customer: “I spilled a bit of gas out there.”

    (There is an auto-shut off feature which the customer apparently ignored and kept pumping.)

    Me: “Oh, don’t worry about that sir.”

    Customer: “What are you going to do about it?”

    Me: “I’ll just spread some cat litter on it and soak it right up.”

    Customer: “No, I mean, what are you going to do for me? Gas is expensive and I can’t afford to be pouring it all over the ground!”

    Me: “…then may I suggest not overfilling your gas tank?”

    I’ll Take A Double Entendre With A Side Of Innuendo

    | Redmond, OR, USA |

    (I was a pump attendant (Oregon is a no-self-serve state) and a fairly attractive middle-aged woman in a mid 90′s Ford pickup pulled up for fuel. Now, that style of truck has two gas tanks, one in front, one in back. Here’s our conversation:)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Her: “I just need ten bucks worth of diesel, please.”

    Me: “Okay, which tank?”

    Her: “Oh, I think I’ll take it in the rear tonight!”

    (We both paused, she turned bright red, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing!)

    One-Woman Wrecking Crew

    | Olympia, WA, USA | Top

    Woman: “I’ve been standing out there trying to pump gas for the last 10 minutes! Your @&$%*# gas pump is broken!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll go out with you and see what I can do.”

    (I see a bright red “Out of Order” bag on the nozzle; she had shoved everything into her tank, bag and all.)

    Me: “Yes, that pump is broken. You’ll need to pull up to another pump.”

    Woman: “Oh, well you guys should really mark it better. I wasted a lot of time here!”

    Me: “Um…yes, we usually put a traffic cone in front.”

    Woman: “Oh yeah…I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was for, so I just drove over it.”

    (The cone was wedged under her car.)

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