Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Petrol Perception

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Your pumps are a lot slower than they used to be. It never used to take this long to pump $20 of gas.”

    Me: “The pump speed hasn’t decreased; it just takes longer to get to $20 now that the price of gas is half what it used to be.”

    Customer: “Well, I wish it would go up again so I could fill up faster!”

    Cold Hard Cash

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Do you guys have an ATM machine here?”

    Me: “Er, no, sorry.”

    Customer: “I see one right there!”

    Me: “Um … that’s a telephone booth, sir.”

    Customer: *squinting and walking toward it* “No, it’s an ATM.”

    Me: “No. No it’s not. It’s definitely a telephone booth.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well…there’s one beside it!”

    Me: “That is a freezer, sir. We store ice in it to sell to campers for their coolers.”

    Customer: “Why does it say ‘ice’ on it? What kind of ATM says ‘ice’?” *opening the ice box* “It’s an ice box.”

    Me: ” …”

    Those Darned Falling Gas Prices

    | Vallejo, CA, USA |

    Customer: “I paid for $21 and it stopped at $15!”

    Me: “Is it full?”

    Customer: “No, I paid for $21!”

    Me: *squeezes nozzle* “Okay… I got a couple drops in, but I really think you’re full.”

    Customer: “But I put in $21. Why won’t it fill up? I know it isn’t full!”

    (At this point I pull the nozzle out and gas comes shooting out of her tank like Coke and Mentos.)

    Customer: “There’s a hole in my car, what can I do?!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, you’re just full.”

    Customer: “WHY?! This never happens at other gas stations! I don’t understand the problem!”

    No Debit, But Plenty of Loonies

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (At the gas station where I work, a young woman staggers in drunk and tries to buy a bag of chips on debit.)

    Me: “Okay, that will be $1.35 on debit.”

    (The customer picks up the pin pad and proceeds to swipe a quarter through the slot.)

    Me: “Um… ma’am?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “That’s a quarter.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know. For some reason it won’t work. Is this thing turned on?”

    Me: “But… that’s… that’s not a debit card. Do you have a debit card?”

    Customer: “I’m TRYING! But it won’t work!”

    Me: “It’s plastic? Kinda rectangle shaped? Has your bank name on it?”

    Customer: “Why won’t it work?”

    Me: “You know what? I don’t think that one is working. Do you have another one? Sometimes these machines won’t like a card for no real reason. It happens.”

    Customer: “Oh ya? I get that at my work too…”

    (She proceeds to put away the quarter and pulls out a loonie instead.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I think I see the problem now. All of our card systems are down. They must have crashed with all the people buying things today. Do you have cash instead?”

    Customer: “Sure, no problem.” *pulls out 20 dollar bill* “Keep the change. It’s only a few dollars anyway. I don’t want it….”

    Me: “Sure, thanks!”

    (She wanders off to pass out in the bathroom for 3 hours but I just couldn’t bring myself to call the cops on her.)

    Of Mountains And Molehills

    | Illinois, USA |

    (It’s winter time and the car wash is shut down because it tends to freeze below a certain temperature.)

    Customer: “Why is the car wash closed?”

    Me: “It’s below 20 degrees. It has to be closed or it’ll freeze.”

    Customer: “But I just bought a car wash and now I can’t wash my car!”

    Me: “Those car washes don’t expire. You can use it when the weather warms up a little bit.”

    Customer: “The g**d*** car wash is always closed! EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE, THE CAR WASH IS CLOSED! IT’S ALWAYS–”

    Me: “HEY!”

    Customer: *backs up, surprised*

    Me: “It’s just a car wash.”

    Customer: *walks out in a huff*

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