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    Fighting Fake With Fake

    | Boulder, CO, USA |

    (A customer walks into the gas station and picks up a plastic 21 oz. bottle of water.)

    Me: “Will that be all for you today?”

    (The customer then holds it like he wants to hit me with it.)

    Customer: “Give me all your money! This is a stickup!”

    Me: “You’re trying to hold me up with a bottle of water?!”

    Customer: “GIVE IT!”

    (I pretend to press the silent alarm.)

    Customer: “S***! The cops!” *runs off, dropping the bottle of water on his way out*

    Gettin’ Schooled, Kindergarten Style

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (Our station accepts certain gas coupons which require that the gas be pumped first, and then paid for inside the store. I’ve already instructed this customer to select “pay inside” at the pump before returning to me for the discount.)

    Customer: “Alright, I’ve put $42 in my car.” *gives me the coupons*

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I needed you to select the pay inside option at the pump, and it seems that you have used your credit card outside. My computer system will not authorize this discount.”

    Customer: “What!? You told me to pump my gas first!”

    Me: “Yes, but you needed to select the pay inside option like I instructed.”

    Customer: “So you won’t give me my discount?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no way for me to ring it up. These coupons never expire, so you can hang on to it and feel free to use it next time.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! You are a poopy face mister! You’re grounded!” *storms out*

    It’s How Old Folks Say I Love You

    | Fridley, MN, USA | Top

    (I’m ringing up a young man’s order. There’s an older regular customer drinking coffee at a table across from our counter.)

    Me: “Okay, your total comes to $5.63.”

    Young man: “Oh, all I have is $5. I left my wallet at home.”

    Older customer: “What’s he short, a dollar? Here, I’ll give him a dollar. Come here kid.”

    (The young man walks over to the older customer’s table to get the dollar.)

    Young man: “Thank you, thank you so–”

    Older customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GET A F***ING JOB?!”

    Young man: *runs out of the store*

    Small Talk In The Big House

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA |

    (While working the overnight shift alone, a single customer walks into the store and walks to my register.)

    Customer: “What would you do if I robbed you?”

    Me: “…I’d call the cops.”

    Customer: “What about if I had a knife to your throat?”

    Me: “Do you really think those are good questions to be asking me?”

    Customer: “Okay, let’s just say I have a gun in your face.”

    Me: “Get out. Now.”

    Customer: “Sheesh, I was just trying to have a friendly conversation with you…” *leaves*

    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop, Part 2

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    Customer: “I need to fill up my truck.”

    Me: “Alright, how much gas would you like?”

    Customer: “Enough to fill up my truck.”

    Me: “Sir, I need to know how much gas you’d like to buy.”

    Customer: “Why is this so hard? You tell me how much gas I need, and I give you the money!”

    Me: “Each vehicle’s different, sir. How am I supposed to know how much it’ll take to fill up your particular vehicle?”

    Customer: “Look at your book!”

    Me: “…my book?”

    Customer: “Yes, the book! Look up my truck and tell me how much gas to get!”

    (My assistant manager comes over to see what all the fuss is about.)

    Assistant manager: “How about you give us $20 for the gas? If you need more, you can come back, and if it’s too much, we’ll refund you.”

    Customer: “Aw, forget it. I’ll just circle around the pumps.”

    (…which is what he did for several minutes before driving off.)

    Related:
    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop

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