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    It’s How Old Folks Say I Love You

    | Fridley, MN, USA | Top

    (I’m ringing up a young man’s order. There’s an older regular customer drinking coffee at a table across from our counter.)

    Me: “Okay, your total comes to $5.63.”

    Young man: “Oh, all I have is $5. I left my wallet at home.”

    Older customer: “What’s he short, a dollar? Here, I’ll give him a dollar. Come here kid.”

    (The young man walks over to the older customer’s table to get the dollar.)

    Young man: “Thank you, thank you so–”

    Older customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GET A F***ING JOB?!”

    Young man: *runs out of the store*

    Small Talk In The Big House

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA |

    (While working the overnight shift alone, a single customer walks into the store and walks to my register.)

    Customer: “What would you do if I robbed you?”

    Me: “…I’d call the cops.”

    Customer: “What about if I had a knife to your throat?”

    Me: “Do you really think those are good questions to be asking me?”

    Customer: “Okay, let’s just say I have a gun in your face.”

    Me: “Get out. Now.”

    Customer: “Sheesh, I was just trying to have a friendly conversation with you…” *leaves*

    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop, Part 2

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    Customer: “I need to fill up my truck.”

    Me: “Alright, how much gas would you like?”

    Customer: “Enough to fill up my truck.”

    Me: “Sir, I need to know how much gas you’d like to buy.”

    Customer: “Why is this so hard? You tell me how much gas I need, and I give you the money!”

    Me: “Each vehicle’s different, sir. How am I supposed to know how much it’ll take to fill up your particular vehicle?”

    Customer: “Look at your book!”

    Me: “…my book?”

    Customer: “Yes, the book! Look up my truck and tell me how much gas to get!”

    (My assistant manager comes over to see what all the fuss is about.)

    Assistant manager: “How about you give us $20 for the gas? If you need more, you can come back, and if it’s too much, we’ll refund you.”

    Customer: “Aw, forget it. I’ll just circle around the pumps.”

    (…which is what he did for several minutes before driving off.)

    Related:
    If Nincompoop, Then Infinite Loop

    Where We Keep The Gold Label S’Mores

    | Hugo, MN, USA |

    (It was a beautiful night and everyone was having bonfires. A group of teenage girls walk in.)

    Girl: “Hi, do you guys have any marshmallows?”

    Me: *looks around* “Sorry, looks like we’re all out.”

    Girl: “But what if you REALLY need them?”

    (I turned towards my coworker.)

    Me: “My God…”

    Coworker: “It’s time. Get out your key.”

    (We then started pretending that we had a top-secret marshmallow stash behind the counter.)

    Me: “Do you think the retina scan is going to work with my contacts in?”

    (The girl finally realized that we were blatantly making fun of her and quickly left with her friends. The secret stash became an instant classic at our gas-station.)

    Taxation With Agitation

    | Clarksville, TN |

    Me: “Is that it for you tonight, ma’am?”

    Girl: “Nah, can I get a pack of cigarettes?”

    Me: “Sure. Can I see your ID?”

    Girl: “Ya know in high school, when we learned about the Boston Tea Party?”

    Me: “Yeah…?”

    Girl: “Well, they raised taxes on the tea, and they threw it in the harbor.”

    Me: “Yeah, I remember.”

    Girl: “Well, they just upped the taxes on the smokey treats…what’re WE gonna do about it?”

    Me: “I dunno…what do you think?”

    Girl: “Well, I don’t know…you’re the gas station lady – figured you’d have the answers.”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t smoke.”

    Girl: “I PROTEST YOU THEN! I’M NOT GETTING ANYTHING HERE EVER AGAIN!” *stomps off*

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