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    Fighting Fire With Fire, Part 3

    | Huntingdon, Cambs, UK |

    (A man walks up to our gas station pumps smoking a cigarette. I am working alone, so I talk to him using the microphone.)

    Me: “Could you please move away from the pumps with your cigarettes immediately?”

    Smoking Man: *shouts back to me* “Petroleum extinguishes cigarettes!”

    Me: “You can’t smoke here. There are lots of explosive fumes!”

    Smoking Man: “No, I am a fireman! We use petroleum to put out fires!”

    Me: “I doubt that. I have now stopped all the pumps so no one else can get any gas until you leave the gas station.”

    Smoking Man: “PETROL EXTINGUISHES CIGARETTES!”

    (Just then, a customer who has been pumping gas speaks up.)

    Customer: “I’ll f***ing extinguish you, you d***!” *chases Smoking Man out of the gas station*

    Related:
    Fighting Fire With Fire, Part 2
    Fighting Fire With Fire

    Circular Reasoning

    | Germany |

    (A customer in a big SUV pulls up to the pump. When she gets out, she realizes that her gas tank is on the driver’s side but her passenger’s side is facing the pump.)

    Customer: “I bet that’s not gonna work, right?”

    Me: “I don’t think so. You’d better try again.”

    (She gets back in, drives around the same pump, and gets out. Her gas tank is still on the wrong side.)

    Customer: *puzzled* “How come?”

    Me: “Let me help you…”

    A Tall Story

    | St Paul, MN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “A pack of cigarettes.”

    Me: “Can I see your ID please?”

    (He hands over an ID of an obvious relative, but not him. The ID says he’s 6’1” and 238 lbs, but this kid is maybe 5’7” and 180 lbs.)

    Me: “This is you?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    (I proceed to quiz him on everything on the ID and he gets it all right, without hesitation.)

    Customer: “Um, I’ve been sick.”

    Me: “So you lost some height then?”

    Highway Robbery

    | Australia | Top

    (A customer comes to the gas station register and hands me their credit card immediately.)

    Customer: “I was looking at the liters display instead of the price.”

    Me: “Yeah, I hate when that happens. Let’s see what your total is.”

    Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the $20 I wanted to put in.”

    Me: “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! I’m just going to drive off! Good luck getting your money!” *drives off without paying*

    (I call the police who arrive ten minutes later, which is coincidentally when the customer returns–in his haste to drive off, he had forgotten to take back his credit card.)

    Customer: “You stole my credit card, you a**hole!”

    Me: “Just give me a second sir. I’m in the middle of reporting a drive-off to these police officers.”

    Customer: “Haha! So I’m not the only one to do a drive-off from here?”

    Police: “Today you are. Please come with us, sir.”

    The Financial Crisis Personified

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (A lady walks up to my register with a medium coffee.)

    Me: “That’ll be $1.17 please.”

    Customer: “All right, I’ve just got a few cards here to put that on.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Take 75 cents off this one.” *hands over card*

    Me: “OK…42 cents is the remaining balance.”

    Customer: “Next, take 40 cents off this one.” *hands over next card* “…and take the remaining 2 cents off this card.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ve got two extra pennies for you; I’m not charging two cents…”

    Customer: “Oh, well thank you! You know how it goes sometimes with credit cards, I’m sure…”

    Me: “No, no I really do not.”

    Customer: “Oh, well you really should manage your finances better!” *walks out*

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