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    Barking Up The Wrong Family Tree

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Money, Top

    (Note: I am a teenager.)

    Me: “Hey, what can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “I have these gift cards, and I would like to exchange them for cash.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I cant do that. It’s store policy, as gift cards have no monetary value.”

    (People are starting to line up behind the customer, and they are starting to get noticeably agitated, having to wait.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any idea who you’re speaking to?”

    Me: “Not even a clue.”

    Customer: “My father owns this store! Now give me my money, or I’ll have you fired!”

    (The owner of the store is in the back, so I call him out.)

    Me: “Boss, your daughter’s here to see you!”

    Boss: “Daughter? I don’t have a daughter.”

    (The customer’s face is growing red, and the people behind her start to laugh. I can tell she wants to run away, but she’s in too deep. My boss comes to the front to see what’s going on. My boss is an Indian man in his 60’s.)

    Boss: “What are you talking about?”

    Me: “This lady right here.”

    (The white customer in her early 20s dips her head, and runs out of the store.)

    Boss: “Maybe she forgot where her dad’s store is?”

    A Fuelish Thing To Do

    | Italy | Extra Stupid

    (It’s a particularly cold evening. I’m chatting with a regular, while filling his tank.)

    Regular: “It’s so cold today; you know what you should do?”

    Me: “What?”

    Regular: “You should take a barrel, put it in the middle of the pumps, fill it with wood, then light it up to warm the place.”

    Me: “…I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

    Regular: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because I don’t want to die.”

    Looking For A Toast To The East Coast

    | WI, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Geography

    (I work the night shift. We regularly get the bar crowd in trying to buy beer after the bars close. Due to a city ordinance, we can’t sell it after midnight.)

    Drunk Customer: “Where is all your beer?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir; we can’t sell beer after midnight.”

    Drunk Customer: “Well, where can I get beer?”

    Me: *jokingly* “I think the bars are still open in New York City!”

    Drunk Customer: “Cool, how do I get there?”

    Me: “It’s over one thousand miles away.”

    Drunk Customer: “No, which direction is it from here?”

    Coworker: “That way.” *points east*

    Drunk Customer: “Cool, well thanks.”

    (He stumbles out towards his car. I turn to my coworker.)

    Me: “You’d better call the police.”

    Coworker: “Already on it.”

    Putting His Own Spin On It

    | WA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Transportation

    (I work in a gas station. An older customer comes in, and starts ranting at me. A younger male customer stands behind her, waiting for her to be done.)

    Older Customer: “You know most vehicles have their gas nozzle on the driver’s side of the car, right?”

    Me: “Well, I can’t really say one way or another but—”

    Older Customer: “You should put more pumps on the left side so the MAJORITY of people can use your pumps.”

    Me: “I don’t really underst—”

    Older Customer: “It’d really be easier if you just made more on the LEFT SIDE, because all the cars have it on that side.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, we DO rotate the pumps every six months.”

    Customer: “Oh! Well all right then!”

    (The older customer walks out cheerfully.)

    Younger Customer: “You… rotate them?”

    Me: “Yup, pick ‘em up, swivel ‘em around, set ‘em back down.”

    Younger Customer: “Well played…”

    Pumped Up About Not Pumping Up

    | TN, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    (A customer is yelling and swearing at the new cashier, insisting that the amount of gas he put in his car wasn’t the amount he was charged. The cashier is getting a little frazzled.)

    Me: “Hey, what’s wrong?”

    Customer: “This d*** store gave me less gas than I paid for! The pump is wrong!”

    Me: “So, wait. You mean that you bought a pre-set amount of gas, pumped it, and you think the pump gave you the wrong amount?”

    Customer: “Yes! My tank should be full, and it’s not!”

    Me: “Sir, those gas pumps are federally regulated. I happen to know—for a fact—that you actually get slightly more than you pay for, just so this sort of thing doesn’t happen.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid; this is none of your business, b****!”

    (He turns to the cashier.)

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

    Cashier: “Sir, he’s in Puerto Rico.”

    Customer: “Well, I need to talk to him now!”

    Cashier: “From Puerto Rico?”

    Customer: “Yes, you d*** b****!”

    Me: “[Cashier], don’t call him.”

    Customer: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing? I said call him!”

    Me: “Well, sir, she could call him. But I really doubt he’d be willing to help you after you cussed out his employee and his daughter.”

    (The customer storms out and returns a few minutes later. I’m about to threaten to call the police, when he passes the cashier a $20 bill.)

    Customer: “I, uh, forgot to pump it, sorry.”

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