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  • Dude Needs Some Sleep

    | Big Rapids, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

    (I’m working on register at about eight am when a middle-aged woman walks in. She is quite intoxicated.)

    Customer: “I slept in the woods last night.”

    Me: “Okay? How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I had to put this flower in my hair because they said I looked like a dude. I’m not a dude. Do you think I look like a dude?”

    Me: “No… What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I need cigarettes. But they made me sleep outside in the woods. I don’t know where. But they kept calling me a dude!”

    (I ring up her cigarettes hoping she leaves soon.)

    Customer: “It’s like that song. Dude looks like a lady. Except the opposite. Lady looks like a dude. I’M NOT A DUDE!”

    His Car Needs Some Juice

    | TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Transportation

    (I work at a grocery store that has a small gas station located in its parking lot. Every morning whoever opens goes and gets merchandise from inside the main store to stock our shelves, usually the supervisor. I am the mid-shift so I watch the register and help the opener stock when I can. My supervisor and I are outside stocking sodas when I see a man walking towards the mostly empty gas station with an empty juice jug in hand. I think to myself he probably just needs water for his car. I am inside the kiosk selling gas to another customer when the man with the jug approaches the window.)

    Customer: “I need to get some gas.” *starts digging in his pockets*

    Me: “And you want to put it in that?” *motions to jug*

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I can’t do that, sir. It’s not a proper container. It must read ‘flammable’. We do however sell gas cans for [price].”

    (I try to steer him away from this, as it is dangerous. On top of that gas is high and he’d probably spill more than he got in his vehicle.)

    Customer: “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.”

    Supervisor: *standing right behind him* “I’m the manager out here.”

    (He took off after that, leaving his juice jug ON TOP of the garbage can.)

    Broken Eastern Promises

    | Hay, AB, Canada | Extra Stupid, Geography, Tourists/Travel

    (There is a smaller highway that ends in the city, and another one that starts. I work at a gas station between the two so we get a lot of people driving through.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but how do I get back on Highway #3?”

    Me: *gives directions*

    Customer: “No. I mean the other way. We just came from [City Two Hours Away].*

    Me: “No, that’s the only way. Highway #3 ends here. Did you want Highway #41?”

    Customer: “I don’t think so. I’m headed to [Destination].”

    (My dad has just walked in to pick me up from work.)

    Me: “And you said you came from [City Two Hours Away]?”

    Customer: “Yes. Why, what’s wrong?”

    (I’m speechless at this point, but my dad helps her, and the owner confirms what he says.)

    Dad: “You turned the wrong way. You have to head back; you just lost about seven hours driving time…”

    (What should have been two hours turned into more than seven hours driving and an overnight stay. Guess they didn’t know when the sun is setting BEHIND you, you aren’t traveling west…)

    Going Nuts For Donuts

    | Lawton, OK, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “Why can’t you take this coupon?”

    Me: “Because it’s for a [Popular Doughnut Chain]. Though we sell the doughnuts, we’re not the actual store.”

    Customer: “So you admit it! You sell the doughnuts but won’t take my coupon! I want to speak to the manager!”

    Me: “I’m the only one here.”

    Customer: “Well he’s got a phone don’t he, your manager? Call him up!”

    Me: “It’s four am. I’m not waking my manager so he can tell you the exact thing I just told you.”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    No ID, No Idea, Part 16

    | Columbus, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

    (I’m working register as my shift starts when a teenaged couple walks in. The guy walks up, girl in tow.)

    Customer: “I’d like some cigarettes, please.”

    Me: “I’ll need to see your ID.”

    Customer: “SERIOUSLY?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah. State law, all that.”

    Customer: “Do I look like I’m under 18?”

    Me: “Well, you look under 30, and that’s really what we go by.”

    Customer: “Ugh, FINE. I’ll go out to the car and grab it. What a waste of time.”

    (He leaves to go grab his ID out of the car. His girlfriend looks rather embarrassed. He storms back in, and slams his ID on the counter.)

    Customer: “There. Can I buy my f****** smokes now?”

    (I check his ID. It’s legit.)

    Me: “Sir, you turned 18 three days ago.”

    Customer: “Well, duh, I know that.”

    Me: “My point is, you’re going to be asked for ID for a long time, so, you might wanna be ready for that.”

    Customer: “But I’m 18! Why would people ask me for my ID now?”

    Me: “Because it’s the law… Can I give you another tip, sir?”

    Customer: *sighs* “What?”

    Me: “If you don’t want to be carded for age-restricted purchases, you probably shouldn’t be wearing your high-school letterman jacket around. Doesn’t help your case.”

    (He looks down at himself and verifies that he is, indeed, gaudily labeled as a high school student. His girlfriend giggles. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts.)

    Customer: “Oh… well, okay. Thanks for the advice. Can I get some smokes, now?”

    Me: “Certainly.”

    Related:
    No ID, No Idea, Part 15
    No ID, No Idea, Part 14
    No ID, No Idea, Part 13

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