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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • In A (Lone Star) Drunken State

    | Texas, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Hi there! Welcome to [store name]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

    Customer: “Yes. Do you sell wine?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t sell alcohol.”

    Customer: “But…but this is Texas!”

    Avoid A Soft Touch With Bad Customers

    | Louisiana, USA | Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers

    (We sell a line of massage chairs. For two days, a man had come in, sat in one chair for 20 minutes, and left without looking at any other item. On the third day, my boss asks me to confront him.)

    Me: “Hi, sir! I’ve noticed your interest in this massage chair. Are you interested in making a purchase?”

    Customer: “Um… um… no…”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t allow you to sit in the chair for this long three days in a row if you don’t even have the slightest interest in buying it. Other customers who are interested would like to try it, too.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about, man? There isn’t anyone else here right now!  And who would pay $1,500 for a chair!?”

    Me: “Plenty of people. This is one of our most popular items.”

    Customer: “Idiots! Why would they pay for the chair when they can just come here and use it for free?!”

    Who You Gonna Call: Sawdusters

    | North Miami, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [furniture store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, you make custom furniture right?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “Okay, can you make a table and maybe some chairs out of this tree in my front yard?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we don’t actually do any of the tree cutting. We get all of our wood from a lumber yard.”

    Customer: “But the city says I need to cut down this tree right away or I’ll be fined!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do anything about that.”

    Customer: “Well, screw you, then! My grandfather planted this tree here! He’s going to haunt you till you die! HAUNT YOU TILL YOU DIE!”

    Building A Bed, No Doubt

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [furniture store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m suing your company!”

    Me: “May I ask what the problem is?”

    Customer: “My son got into a car accident because he fell asleep at the wheel!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but why are you suing [furniture store]?

    Customer: “He fell asleep at the wheel because he stayed up all night assembling your furniture!”

    Marriage: The Ultimate Slippery Slope

    , | East Greenwich, RI, USA | Top

    (I work in the shipping and receiving department of a furniture store, where customers ring a bell so I can give them their box. We also have a loading dock for semi’s.)

    Outside: *BANG! BANG!*

    (Alarmed, I go to the loading dock where I see an E-class Mercedes sliding repeatedly down the icy incline and crashing into the building.)

    Me: “Sir! Sir! What are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to pick up my f***ing table! You call this customer pick-up?”

    Me: “No, Sir. We call this the loading dock. The customer service door is right over here.” *points at door*

    Customer: “F***! Would you come down here and help push my car up the grade while I floor it?”

    Me: “Sir, that incline is solid ice. If I slip or your car slides down, I could be killed. So, no, I won’t do that.”

    Customer: “Well, f*** you!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Just ring this bell over here when you get out.”

    (After a few more minutes and several more crashing noises, the bell rings. I open the door and it’s the same customer standing outside.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need this.” *hands me slip*

    Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll have that ready right here for you. Would you like some help getting it into the car?”

    Customer: “F*** you!”

    (The customer takes the box by himself and attempts to fit box into his back seat but fails, as it’s filled with various items. He pulls out a child’s stroller and throws it across the road and into the woods, where it catches and hangs on a tree branch. He then proceeds to throw all other items in his car out onto road. The whole time, his wife is standing with me and watching.)

    Customer’s wife: “Here you go.” *gives me a $10 tip*

    Me: “Good luck with that guy.”

    Customer’s wife: “Yeah, thanks. He’s still got to put that table together!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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