Complaining To A Fault

| Chester, England, UK | Uncategorized

Customer: “I want a refund on my sofa!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. What seems to be the problem with the sofa?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not happy. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy with it.”

Me: “I see. Why exactly is that?”

Customer: “There is a manufacturing fault.”

Me: “What is the fault, sir?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “I understand that, sir. What is the fault with the sofa?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy!”

Me: “With all due respect, ‘I’m not happy’ is not a manufacturing fault.”

Customer: “Of course it is. It’s manufactured to make me happy! This sofa is not fit for purpose!”

Me: “Can you sit on the sofa?”

Customer: “Of course I can!”

Me: “Then it is fit for purpose, sir.”

Customer: “But I am not happy! There must be a manufacturing fault to make me not happy with it!”

In A (Lone Star) Drunken State

| Texas, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi there! Welcome to [store name]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Customer: “Yes. Do you sell wine?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t sell alcohol.”

Customer: “But…but this is Texas!”

Avoid A Soft Touch With Bad Customers

| Louisiana, USA | Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers, Uncategorized

(We sell a line of massage chairs. For two days, a man had come in, sat in one chair for 20 minutes, and left without looking at any other item. On the third day, my boss asks me to confront him.)

Me: “Hi, sir! I’ve noticed your interest in this massage chair. Are you interested in making a purchase?”

Customer: “Um… um… no…”

Me: “Sir, we can’t allow you to sit in the chair for this long three days in a row if you don’t even have the slightest interest in buying it. Other customers who are interested would like to try it, too.”

Customer: “What are you talking about, man? There isn’t anyone else here right now!  And who would pay $1,500 for a chair!?”

Me: “Plenty of people. This is one of our most popular items.”

Customer: “Idiots! Why would they pay for the chair when they can just come here and use it for free?!”

Who You Gonna Call: Sawdusters

| North Miami, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [furniture store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, you make custom furniture right?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “Okay, can you make a table and maybe some chairs out of this tree in my front yard?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we don’t actually do any of the tree cutting. We get all of our wood from a lumber yard.”

Customer: “But the city says I need to cut down this tree right away or I’ll be fined!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do anything about that.”

Customer: “Well, screw you, then! My grandfather planted this tree here! He’s going to haunt you till you die! HAUNT YOU TILL YOU DIE!”

Building A Bed, No Doubt

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [furniture store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m suing your company!”

Me: “May I ask what the problem is?”

Customer: “My son got into a car accident because he fell asleep at the wheel!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but why are you suing [furniture store]?

Customer: “He fell asleep at the wheel because he stayed up all night assembling your furniture!”

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