This happened about thirty years ago. I was definitely the a**hole in this situation, but in my defense, I was five.

My family’s home phone number was one digit off from a sporting goods store in my town called Joe Jones. Naturally, we’d get a fair number of calls from people with the wrong number. We had caller ID, so my parents would see an unfamiliar number on the ringing phone and say, “Looks like it might be someone trying to call Joe Jones again.” They’d pick up and say, “Hello? I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” and then just hang up and say, “Yep. Joe Jones again.”

Now, since I was five, I failed to realize two key things about this situation:

• “Joe Jones” was the name of a store, not a person an easy mistake to make.

• It was different people calling each time.

Since my parents could always tell when it was a call for Joe Jones, I thought it was always the same number that they kept recognizing. I had only ever used the speed dial to make an outgoing call, so I assumed some friend of Joe’s had just misprogrammed their phone to call us instead of him and was really lazy about fixing it. I was annoyed that this person kept bothering us.

Then came the day of the story. My dad was at work, and my mom was home with me. She was busy with something when the phone rang and asked me to answer it. I went over to the kitchen phone and reached up to pull it off the hook.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hi. Is this Joe Jones?”

I was finally talking to the person who had been bothering us! I summoned up all the righteous fury young me could muster.

Me: *VERY sternly* “No! He doesn’t live here! Stop calling us!”

My mom jumped up and snatched the phone from me to apologize to the caller and smooth things over.

After she hung up, she took the time to talk to me to make sure I understood what was actually going on and how to be polite over the phone. She wasn’t angry.

These days, I always try to be polite on the phone, regardless of the situation. I think back to this incident as being the day I learned that lesson.

Thanks, Mom. I miss you.

I was at a veteran’s program at a school one fall wearing a small set of US Marine Corps sergeant stripes on my shirt pocket. I got these stripes maintaining helicopters during the Vietnam War. The school did an excellent job, by the way, for being so small.

Anyway, this kid, who looked like he was in the first grade, came up.

Kid: “Are you a vet-er-un?”

Me: “Yes, I am, young man.”

He thought for a moment.

Kid: “Were you in World War One?”

D***, I know I don’t look 120. Better come up with something quick.

Me: “I sure was. As a matter of fact, I started it.”

His eyes got as big as golf balls.

Kid: “Wow! You started it?!”

Me: “Yep, me and my cousin. His name is Jim.”

He took off. I could hear him as he ran around a corner in the hallway.

Kid: “Mama, mama! There’s a man here that started World War One!”

A family is looking at cameras in the electronics section. A three-year-old boy takes a picture of his dad. 

Boy: “Wow, what a pretty picture!”

He takes a picture of his mom.

Boy: “Wow, what a pretty camera!”

Me: *Failed attempt not to snort-laugh*

A mother is paying at the checkout.

Mom: “Oh, wait! I have a coupon!”

She grabs her phone from her little boy, maybe four or five years old, who has been keeping himself occupied with it. 

Child: “Mom! I want to use your phone!”

Mom: “Not now. Mommy is using it for the coupon.”

Child: “Why do you have a phone and I don’t? You don’t have that many friends.”

Related:
The Couponator 44: The Clapback
The Couponator 43: The Visionary Gossiper
The Couponator 42: The Malicious Complier
The Couponator 41: The Saga Of The Long-Suffering Wife
The Couponator 40: Armageddon

A mother is checking out, and her little girl, maybe three years old, is toddling about touching everything she finds interesting.

Mom: “Don’t touch that display, [Girl]. You’ll knock it over and ruin it.”

The little girl waddles over to me instead and beams a huge smile up at me.

Little Toddler: “Mommy has a vagina!”

Me: “Uh…”

Little Toddler: “Mommy said I crawled out of it and ruined it!” 

Mom: *Sighing, to me* “That’s not the only thing she’s ruining.”