CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of Morticians’ Work
I’m a mortician. We do what we call a “first view” where, when we’ve prepared a body for public viewing, we’ll ask a family member to come in early, usually the evening before, to give us a thumbs-up or tell us what we need to change.
Because of this, we ask that the families get the deceased’s clothing to us at least twenty-four hours prior to the start of public viewing. It takes a lot of time and effort to dress a dead body, especially if you give a d*** about getting the little details right — and I do. Yes, we do cut clothes up the back, almost always. This is not because we are lazy; it is because it is literally impossible to get just about any garment onto a body that is completely stiff and immobile, which is a result of embalming.
We have a lot of tricks with tape and safety pins and perspective to make things look right, and we worry about a lot of things so you don’t have to even think about them. But sometimes, man, you’d think that some practical considerations would at least cross their minds.
[Client #1] is dropping off a dress for her sister’s viewing.
Client #1: “Now, don’t you cut this dress up; I want it back before you bury her. It looked better on me, anyway. I don’t know why she wanted it for her funeral so bad.”
Nobody gets clothes from a viewing back, with the occasional exception of belts and other accessories, and once, a motorcycle club vest. And obviously, you can’t return anything to a store that’s been on a corpse. [Client #1] is miffed about not getting her sister’s dress back, but she has children and therefore has dressed toddlers, so she understands the logistics once I start explaining them to her.
[Client #2] hands me a sequined tube top and miniskirt for his mother who died on the interstate and was subsequently autopsied.
Client #2: “Momma just bought this and didn’t even get to wear it out to the club before she… So, yeah, I figured…”
[Client #3] walks in with several dresses on department store hangers for her mother’s first view.
Client #3: “I don’t know that I’m happy with that dress I brought in yesterday, so I’m going to have you try these on her, and I’ll take what we don’t like back to the store.”
As I also arrange direct cremations, I’ve also had a few versions of this conversation:
Client #4: “Dad had four or five gold teeth. Now, don’t you burn those up; we want them back.”
Me: “Well, sir, I am not legally allowed to perform that extraction. If you can find a dentist who’ll do it, we could work with that, but I’ve never even heard of a dentist who will. For one thing, they would have to perform the extraction for free, and we would both need assurances from you that you intended to keep the teeth and the gold they contain for sentimental reasons, as it is highly illegal for anyone to profit off the removal or sale of any part of a dead human body, for reasons I think you’ll agree are obvious.”
