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    If It Looks Like A Cow And Moos Like A Cow

    , | Wisconsin, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (Due to difficulties returning from a petting zoo, my mother and I had a 3 month old calf riding in the front seat of our truck. We were hungry so we went thru a drive thru on our way home. After we ordered we drove up to the first window.)

    Cashier #1: “Your total is [total]. Is that a real cow?”

    Mom: “Why, yes, she is.”

    (The cashier gives my mom the change and points the animal out to her coworkers around her. We drive up to the second window.)

    Cashier #2: “Here’s your order. Is that cow real?”

    Cow: “Mooooo!”

    Mom: “As you can see, she is real and really hungry, so thank you for the hamburgers. She will really enjoy them.”

    Big Ol’ Bag Of Bagel-y Biggle Bits

    , | Sacramento, CA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a pretzel place in a mall. On the posters, menu, and signs hanging in our store and outside of it, the bite-sized pieces of pretzels are called “pretzel bites”. It says that everywhere because they’re our most popular product.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [store]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Can I get some of your pretzel nubbins?”

    Me: “Ex-Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The nubbins. The little bits. The pretzel bagels.”

    Me: “Do…do you mean pretzel bites?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the bagel bites, or the pretzel nuggets. With salt.”

    Me: “So you want a big ol’ bag of bagel-y biggle bits, huh?”

    Customer: *offended* “Excuse you?”

    Me: “Small, medium, or large pretzel nubbins, ma’am?”

    Press One For Faster Service

    , | CA, USA |

    (I am taking orders on a headset while also taking money at the window. A customer drives up to my speaker.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “No hablo inglés!”

    Me: “Un momento…”

    (I take the money from the customer at the window, planning to get a Spanish speaking manager as soon as I can. After a few minutes…)

    Customer: “Okay, fine! I speak English!”

    May Cause Belief In Humanity To Melt Away

    , | Wigan, England, UK |

    Customer: “I’d like to order a large whopper meal with a Coke, please.”

    Me: “Certainly.”

    (After serving the customer, she goes to sit outside on a rather warm, summer afternoon. Ten minutes pass, and she comes back inside looking rather annoyed.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I’d like a replacement drink.”

    Me: “May I enquire as to why, madam?”

    Customer: “The ice in this one has melted!”

    Working Drive-Thru Is A Scream

    , | Bristow, VA, USA |

    (I’m working the drive-thru window.)

    Me: “Hi, you had a number two with a coke. That’ll be $6.45.”

    Customer: “Okay, sure.”

    (She rummages in her wallet.)

    Me: “Thanks.”

    (I gather her change.)

    Customer: *screaming in my face* “I’m paying! I’m paying!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I know you’re paying. I’m just getting your change. They’re bagging your order right now.”

    Customer: “Okay, great.”

    (There is a pause while I check her order. Suddenly, I hear her screaming.)

    Me: *very concerned* “Ma’am? What’s wrong?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You screamed.”

    Customer: “No, I didn’t.”

    Me: “You definitely did. The whole drive-thru staff heard you.”

    Customer: “You’re mistaken.”

    Me: “Okay then. Here’s your food. Number two with a soda. Can I get you any condiments?”

    Customer: *screaming in my face* “I’m eating! I’m eating!”

    Me: “So, no condiments?”

    Customer: *bellowing* “Goodbye! GOODBYE!”

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