Our place has started to offer “impossible” burgers – basically, plant-based vegan burgers that are meant to resemble real meat. I’ve tried them and they’re honestly pretty good, but they’re not going to fool someone who loves real beef.

Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like one of your double impossible burgers, but I need it to be beef.”

Me: “That’s not possible, sir. The impossible burger is plant-based, we can’t put meat in it.”

Customer: “No, no, I want to try the double impossible burger, but I still want it to be beef.”

Me: “Sir, the impossible burger isn’t some new flavor of burger that we’re doing, it’s just the same as our regular burgers, but we replace the beef patty with a plant-based one.”

Customer: “Yes, yes, I know all that. I want the impossible burger as it’s meant to be better for the environment. But I also want it to be beef.”

Me: “Sir… that’s like asking for water but not wanting it to be wet.”

Customer: “But I don’t want water.”

Me: “No, that’s… never mind. Sir, are you a vegetarian or vegan, or is there a health reason why you can’t eat real beef?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “And you want to try the impossible burger but with real beef?”

Customer: “Finally, you get it.”

We gave him a double burger, one patty of beef, and one patty that was plant-based. He loved it.

I’m lined up to order lunch at a fairly popular burger restaurant near my office. The lunch rush crowd is in, so there are a lot of people waiting for their orders. The lady who is right in front of me obviously notices this.

Customer: “Why are there so many people here? I’d better not need to wait for my food.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We are a little backed up, and it will be a ten-minute wait for—”

Customer: “Ten minutes?! I don’t want to wait for ten minutes! You need to push my food out first, because I don’t want to wait for it.”

The neighboring cashier looks up, with an honest look of confusion on her face.

Neighboring Cashier: “Does anyone ever want to wait for their food?”

The lady puffed up in annoyance, especially when several of the other customers didn’t treat the cashier’s question as rhetorical and called out, “No!”

The lady paid and then stomped right out of the restaurant with her receipt. I got up, made my order, paid, and then waited. The lady’s number was called, but she didn’t show up to pick it up. I got my food, while they called the lady’s number a few more times before pushing the food off to the side.

I guess she sure showed them, paying for a meal and then not getting to eat it.

A customer comes up to the counter and doesn’t request any specific food. He just says:

Customer: “How much is it?”

Me: “How much is what, sir?”

Customer: “The meal!” 

Me: “Which meal?”

Customer: “The burger! The burger meal!”

Me: “We have eight burger meals.”

Customer: “The cheese one! With the spicy salsa!”

Me: “With fries and a soda, that is [price].”

Customer: “You need to listen better!”

Me: “With what, my mind?”

Related:
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 6
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 5
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 4
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 3
This Job May Require Telepathy, Part 2

Customer: “Does Coke have meat in it?”

Me: *Pauses* “No, sir.”

Customer: “But you didn’t even check!”

Me: “I happen to know that Coke doesn’t contain meat products.”

Customer: “I’m a vegan; I need to be sure.”

Me: “I understand, sir. Coke is vegan.”

Customer: “Oh, but I meant Diet Coke. Does Diet Coke have meat in it?”

Me: “Diet Coke does not have meat in it.”

Customer: “But you didn’t even check!”

Me: “…”

I work in a fast food restaurant. A guy comes in with an adorable little girl, maybe four years old or so.

Customer: “Okay, [Girl], you can have anything you want.”

Little Girl: *Eyes going wide* “Anything, Uncle [Customer]?”

Customer: “Yup! You can order anything you want.”

The little girl stumbles up to the counter, looking up at me. I look into her adorable huge eyes as she is pondering what to get.

Little Girl: *Triumphantly* “I want… a puppy!“

Thankfully, she ended up being equally satisfied with a kids’ meal with a toy, while her uncle explained to her what “ordering anything” actually means in restaurants.