Customer: “I’ll have two wings, one breast, and one side-breast.”

Cashier: “Side-breast?”

Customer: “Yes, side-breast…” *repeats order*

Cashier: “What’s that?”

Customer: “Well, you have the breast, which is the front of the chicken, and the side-breast, which is half of the breast.”

Cashier: “Well, we don’t do that. We have thighs, legs, wings, ribs, and breast.”

Customer: “No, you have side-breast! I always have side-breast! There it is–those ones there!”

(The customer points to a pile in one of the heating units.)

Cashier: “Oh, you mean rib!”

Customer: “Yes, side-breast!”

Customer: “Can I get a cheeseburger and a bottle of water?”

Me: “Yes, that’s $3.70, please.”

(The customer holds out five napkins and starts counting them. He then hands them to me as payment.)

Me: “Sorry, do you have $3.70?”

Customer: *points at napkins* “Yea, there! Look!”

Me: “Those are not money. Do you have any money to pay?”

Customer: “Yeah! I’m paying with napkins!”

Coworker: “Sorry, we only take money…”

(Eventually, security had to come and him (and his napkins) away from the tills.)

(We moved to America because my dad’s work was transported to a new port. He is very bad with English, so many hilarious moments ensued when he buys food. At the moment, this fast food restaurant is heavily marketing one of its burgers. My dad decides he wants to try one.)

Cashier: “Hello, how may I help you today?”

Dad: “Yes, I would like the Big and Nasty Burger, please!”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Dad: “The Big and Nasty Burger!”

Cashier: “Um, do you mean the Big and Tasty Burger, sir?”

Dad: “Yes, that’s what I said! The Big and Nasty!”

Me: “Any veggies on your sandwich?”

Customer: *mumbles*

(I think I hear “onions” and reach for them.)

Customer: “No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! No onions, no onions, no, no, NO!”

Me: “I’m sorry, no onions then. What did you say?”

Customer: *repeats veggie order*

(I get to ringing her up and she begins to apologize.)

Customer: “I’m sorry if I startled you.”

Me: “Oh, it’s okay.”

Customer: “It’s just…I don’t like onions.”

Me: “It’s really okay.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. You would have had to remake my sandwich. I hate onions! They make me want to vomit! Vomit everywhere!”

(A customer and his son approach the counter. Note that the son is no more than 11 or 12 years-old.)

Customer: “Hey, my son has something to ask you.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer’s son: “Will you wanna go out with me?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Come on, it’s his first time asking a girl out! If you turn him down, he might get discouraged and go gay. You don’t want to turn him gay, do you?!”

(It’s 11:30 pm and the fast food restaurant I work at has already closed at 11:00 pm. I am standing at the counter finishing the cashout when a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Hi, give me a teen burger combo.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re closed now. The restaurant was only open until eleven.”

Customer: *ignores me* “I’d like onion rings instead of fries.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t make you any food right now. Everything is off and we are closed.”

Customer: “What? That’s f***ing ridiculous! My daughter is in the hospital and I need to get something to eat!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am, but I can’t re-open the store for you.”

Customer: “That’s bulls**t! What the f*** am I supposed to do now?!”

Me: “Well, I believe there’s a another fast food restaurant just down the street that’s open 24 hours–”

Customer: “No! No! Don’t f***ing tell me to go there! My nephew is in the hospital and I am not going to bring him food from another f***ing restaurant!”

Me: “Ma’am, I thought it was your daughter in the hospital.”

(The customer freezes for a moment before realizing her mistake.)

Customer: “F*** you!” *leaves*

(A lady orders an ice cream cone from our drive-thru window. After getting her ice cream, she comes back about 5 minutes later. Keep in mind it’s a sweltering hot day.)

Me: “Hi, was there something else I can help you with?”

Customer: *angrily* “I think there’s something wrong with your ice cream machine!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe there is. What’s wrong?”

Customer: “My ice cream has melted!”

Me: “Could it be because it’s 105 degrees outside?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

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May Cause Belief In Humanity To Melt Away

Customer: “I’d like to order two large chocolate thickshakes, but I don’t want them to be too thick.”

Me: “Well, would you like milkshakes then?”

Customer: “No, I want thickshakes. Just don’t make them too thick.”

Me: “Well, milkshakes are less thick versions of–”

Customer: *explodes* “NO! I WANT THICKSHAKES!”