Me: “Thank you for calling ****. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I ordered some food and I need a refund.”

Me: “Of course – can you please explain what the matter with your food was?”

Customer: “Well, I drove it home and put it on the counter. My husband asked me to help him rake up some leaves. When I got back in, the dog had gotten up on the counter and eaten everything.”

Me: “You want me to replace the food your dog ate?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes sir?”

Customer: “I need a new root beer float; the ice cream in this one is melting.”

Me: “Well, I can get you a new one, but it’s a hot day so the same thing will eventually happen.”

Customer: “I asked for a root beer float! Not root beer soup!”

Me: “I can’t control the weather sir, but I’ll see what I can do.”

(I get him a new float, but by the time I get it out to him, it’s starting to melt.)

Customer: “This one’s melting too!”

Me: “It’s still hot out–but it will taste the same, I promise.”

Customer: “Promise me something else too.”

Me: “Okay?”

Customer: “Go to hell!”

Me: “It appears we’re both already there, sir. That’s why your ice cream is melting.”

(This very friendly woman come in 3-4 days a week, and I am usually the one who winds up taking her money at the window.)

Me: ¬†”Hi, it’ll be two dollars.”

Customer: ¬†”Oh, you got your braces off! They look so nice!”

Me: ¬†”Oh… thank you!”

Customer: ¬†”And you got your hair cut!”

Me: ¬†”Yes, I did!”

Customer: ¬†”… I come here a little too often, don’t I?”

Related:
Why (Good) Regulars Really Rock

Coworker: Welcome to [fast food burger joint], what’s your beef?

Customer: “I ain’t got a beef, you got the beef. What’s YOUR beef?”

Coworker: “I got the good beef. You want some beef?”

Customer: ¬†”Yes, I want some beef, you gonna bring it?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I’ll bring it, you payin’?”

Customer: ¬†”Course I’m payin’, you makin’?”

Coworker: ¬†”Yes we’re makin’.”

Customer: ¬†”Good, how much?”

Coworker: ¬†”You have to order first, sir.”

Customer: “Oh yeah…”

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like some baked chicken.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only have fried chicken.”

Customer: “How about roasted chicken?”

Me: “No, we only have fried chicken.”

Customer: “How about broasted… boasted chicken?”

(Yes, she actually said boasted chicken.)

Me: “No, ma’am, all we have is plain old fried chicken.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *leaves*

Boss: “Hey, don’t call the chicken old.”

Me: *facepalm*

Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], this is John speaking, how can I help you?

Caller: “I’m trying to get in contact with Mike Hunt.”

(I check the guest list to make sure we don’t actually have a Michael Hunt staying with us.)

Me: “Yes, Mr. Hunt is sharing a room with I.P. Freely, and he asked me to give you a message: he said to not call here again until you can come up with something a little more original, you pathetic losers.”

Caller: *hangs up*

Related:
Your Prank Got Spanked

(It was an hour before closing, and all of us were very tired–the manager included.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “What does the chicken sandwich look like?” *points at a picture of it*

Me: “It looks just like the one in the picture, ma’am.”

Customer: “Are you sure? How long have you been working here?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, I’m sure. I’ve been working here over a year.”

Customer: “Well, um… I guess I’ll get that one.”

(I take her money and give her the chicken sandwich.)

Customer: “This is not what it looks like!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Get me your manager, d*** it!”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “This chicken sandwich is not like in the picture!”

Manager: “Yes, you’re right. The one the picture is over a foot wide and fake.”

Customer: “I will not stand for this!”

Manager: “Either will I. Leave my employees alone!”

Customer: *starts screaming*

Manager: “You have a happy go lucky day now, ma’am!”

Related:
Just Another Day At Work
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 3
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 2
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

(An elderly woman is complaining to my manager about a recent ad in which a woman appears in lingerie. The ad is promoting a special on two fish sandwiches for $4.)

Woman: “I was so offended. I can’t believe they would show that on TV. Children might have been watching!”

Manager: “I’m very sorry you were offended, ma’am.”

Woman: “It was so offensive! Is there anyone I can talk to?”

Manager: “I can give you the number for the regional office or you can send an email from the website.”

Woman: “It was just so offensive!”

Manager: “Again, I’m very sorry ma’am. By the way, here are your two fish sandwiches.”

Me: “Hi there, welcome to [fast food restaurant], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a chicken nugget kids meal.”

Me: “Alrighty then, what would you like to drink?”

Customer: “Sweet and sour.”

Me: “Okay ma’am, but what would you like to drink?”

Customer: “I just told you, I want sweet and sour with my nuggets!”

Me, catching on to their game: “Okay… what would you like to dip?”

Customer: “Coke!”

(I work at a popular fast food restaurant. Drive-through customers should be aware that we can hear every word they say.)

Coworker: “Hi, welcome to ***. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I just need a minute to decide.”

Coworker: “No problem, just let me know when you are ready.”

(The customer talks to his passengers, while we listen…)

Customer, to his passengers: “I should ask for something dumb on my ice cream, just to see what they say. How about pickles? They would probably just ignore me. Oh, I know… tomatoes!”

Customer, to my coworker: “Okay, I’m ready.”

Coworker: “Alright, go ahead…”

Customer: “I’d like an ice cream sundae with tomatoes on it, please.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, due to the recent recall in the States, we aren’t serving tomatoes right now. Can I offer you a sundae with pickles instead?”

Customer: *drives off without ordering anything*