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    A Cent-less Attack

    , | WA, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m taking money at the first window. A car pulls up with a middle-aged customer driving, and what looks to be her older mother in the passenger seat.)

    Me: “Hi, your total is—.”

    Mother: “Where do we get my food?! I’m hungry! This line is taking too long!”

    Daughter: “You have to pay first, mom.”

    Mother: “I’m getting it!”

    (She scrounges around for money in her purse. She hands me what’s supposed to be exact change. I count it three times, and she’s a penny short.)

    Me: “Ma’am, do you have a penny?”

    Mother: “Are you serious? I’m not giving you no d*** penny! Where’s my food?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I need that penny, or my till will come out short.”

    Mother: “And I said you ain’t getting no d*** penny!”

    (She starts shouting at her daughter.)

    Mother: “Drive to the next window!”

    (The daughter looks horrified about her mother’s behavior, and doesn’t move.)

    Mother: “Fine! I’ll get it myself!”

    (The mother gets out of the car, and starts walking toward the next window.)

    Me: “Ma’am, can you please get back in your car?”

    Mother: “F*** you!”

    (The daughter is horrified, apologizes to me, and drives forward. A minute later, I see the mother walk back to my open window as I’m paying out another customer. She throws a penny at me, which hits me in the knuckle and bruises it.)

    Mother: “There’s your d*** penny!”

    Give The Workers A (Prison) Break

    , | UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m on my way home after a hockey social, dressed as a prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit and trick handcuffs. I’m pretty hungry, so I stop for food. Inside there is a drunk man yelling at the cashiers.)

    Drunk: “I said [competitor's signature item]! This is WRONG!”

    Cashier: “I told you, you’re at [place], not [competitor]!”

    Drunk: “I know where I am!”

    Me: “Oh, do you?”

    (He turns to me, and does a double take at my outfit.)

    Me: “Because I think you’re in a whole world of trouble.”

    (I start advancing, cackling Joker-style.)

    Drunk: “What ya gonna do, crazy b****?”

    (In answer, I stretch out, making it look like I’ve just torn apart my handcuffs.)

    Drunk: “Holy s***!”

    (I keep approaching, cackling.)

    Drunk: “Psycho b****!”

    (He throws his food at me and runs. I reach the counter, and drop the act.)

    Me: “Can I get a portion of nuggets, please?”

    (The cashier just stares at me for a moment.)

    Cashier: “Y’know, I think he was right on the crazy part. Nuggets coming right up.”

    Pulling Hair As Well As A Fast One

    , | Raunds, England, UK | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m 10 years old. I am helping my father out at his takeaway, being the ‘cashier’. We are Asian. A white customer in her thirties walks in, and orders some food. I call my dad’s friend to make it, and he does. He brings it out and leaves.)

    Me: “Okay, miss, that will be £30.00.”

    Customer: “What? Oh no, darling; I’m the old owner’s daughter! I get my food for free!”

    Me: “£30.00.”

    Customer: “FREE. Give me my food for free, sweetheart.”

    Me: “Please pay £30.00.”

    Customer: “Dearie, I get it for free. My father—bless him, he’s 60 now—is the owner, and lets me have it for free! Give it to me!”

    Me: “I don’t believe my father is 60; he is only 40. And we are Asian; you are a White person. Now, please pay for your food, or I will be forced to call the police.”

    Customer: “You cheeky lying little brat!”

    (She grabs my hair, and pulls hard.)

    Customer: “Give me my free food now! Or I’ll spank your bum so hard you will die! You’re just a worthless teenager trying to earn money you don’t deserve!”

    Me: “Daddy! Daddy! A lady’s got my hair, and she says you’re her daddy, and, and, gets f-food for free!”

    (My dad runs in.)

    Dad: “Stop! She’s only 10! You’re hurting her! I will call the police!”

    (The customer goes pale, and runs out the door. I’ve not been back there in two years.)

    It’s About To Get Crazy Horse Up In Here

    , | OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (I am on break and heading towards the restroom, when a customer asks me to take his order. Seeing that it’s busy, and assuming that the customer has been waiting for some time, I step up to the spare till that the managers all share. All of my on-duty coworkers are either Hispanic or African American.)

    Me: “Sorry about the wait. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Number four, medium, with an iced tea to drink. I’m glad you finally came out of the kitchen. I thought I’d never get to order.”

    Me: “I’m sorry again about your wait. We’ve been a little understaffed all day.”

    Customer: “So, that must be why you were doing the Mexican’s work.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The kitchen, the kitchen! I guess all these n****** who can’t take an order right needed someone back there who speaks English to fix everything. They need to hire more white folks like you to work here.”

    Me: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you refrain from making such offensive remarks.”

    Customer: “Aw, c’mon. No need to cater to them. Just between us, you think whites are the best race, right?”

    Me: “Just between us?”

    (I beckon the customer closer, then speak loudly enough for the entire restaurant to hear.)

    Me: “If you spout any more of this racist bull-s***, I will not hesitate to kick you out.”

    Customer: “But you’re white!”

    Me: “Not that it matters, but I’m half Native-American.”

    Customer: “You don’t look it. If that’s true, what’s your ‘Injun’ name?”

    Me: “In my tribe, I am called ‘Ejects-Bigoted-A**-hole-From-Premises’. Now kindly get the f*** out.”

    Fractional Intelligence, Part 2

    , | Jasper, IN, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (I work at the drive-thru.)

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would like a 16 piece family meal with two thirds of it fish.”

    Me: I’m sorry, ma’am; did you want 10 or 11 fish?”

    Customer: “What do mean?”

    Me: “Two thirds isn’t a proper fraction to use. It will give you between 10-11 pieces. So how many pieces would you like?”

    Customer: “I don’t see how you get those numbers. Just give me 12 fish. Is that a fraction you can figure out?”

    Me: “Yes, one 16 piece, 3/4 fish the rest chicken. Is there anything else for you today?”

    Customer: “I don’t see the difference between 3/4 and 2/3, but okay.”

    Related:
    Fractional Intelligence

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