(I’m working at the fast food drive-thru with a particularly large group of cars in line.)

Customer: “It sure got busy all at once.”

Me: “Yeah, it happens like that.”

Customer: “You know why that is, right?”

Me: “No, tell me?”

Customer: “We wait around the corner until we have a group of about ten cars, and then we swarm all at once!”

(And from that day forward, everything made sense.)

(I work at a restaurant that specializes in roast beef. A customer is standing at the end of the counter, staring at the meat slicer.)

Customer: “Can I touch the beef?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “The beef. On the slicer. I want to touch it.”

Me: “Uh, I can’t let you do that.”

Customer: “But why?”

Me: “Well, we can’t turn the slicer off during the lunch rush unless we’re putting a new roast on it.”

Customer: “Oh, you don’t have to turn the slicer off, I just wanna touch the beef!”

Me: “Well, I don’t want to serve anyone a sliced beef and finger sandwich today, so tough luck.”

(An old, drunken man stumbles in to our fast food restaurant.)

Me: “Hello, how are you tonight sir?”

(He stumbles to the front counter, leans over, and stares intently at my name badge.)

Me: “Umm, can I help you?”

Drunken customer: *reads my badge* “Tahiiinaaa..”

Me: “…yes?”

Drunken customer: “That’s a really pretty name. I want your name. Sell me your name!”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you my name… do you want some chicken?”

Drunken customer: “I. WANT. YOUR. NAME!”

(Suddenly, the drunken guy lunges over the counter and rips my badge off of my shirt and runs out of the store laughing.)

Me, to my manager: “I think I need a new shirt…”

(I’m taking orders and money in the drive-thru booth during a rush. A customer pulls up to the window.)

Me: “Hi, your total is $6.54.”

Customer: *glaring* “I’m mad at you!”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “I went through **** earlier, and they didn’t have any french fries, so I had to come here!”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Yeah! And he’s mad at you too!”

(She points to the back seat, which is completely empty.)

Me: “Yeah, um, he…he looks pretty mad, I guess.”

Customer: *snaps* “C’mere, Sparkie!”

(A little poodle hops up into her lap.)

Customer: “Tell her how mad you are!”

(The customer then holds the dog up to the window to show me how mad it was.)

Me: “Wow, um, alright.”

(She pays and I give her the change.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: *smiling* “You too, sweetie!” *glares* “…but I’m still mad at you!”

Coworker: “Guys! There’s a car pulled in backwards in the drive-thru. They’re backwards!”

Backwards customer: “Hi, I just want a fish sandwich and a chocolate milk shake.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry. We don’t have those items. Is there something else I can get you?”

Backwards customer: “No, I just want a fish sandwich and a chocolate milk shake!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, do you realize you’re at [Mexican fast food restaurant]? Would you like a taco?”

Backwards customer: “Okay, okay, we’re kidding! Alice, this is your mom and Aunt Marie!”

(I happen to be Alice. Family are the worst customers!)

(After serving them their fast food, a woman with a family of six runs up to the counter, furious.)

Customer: “You! You stacked our food wrong! Now my kids are crying!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Come look!”

(She brings me down to their table, where their three pre-teens are crying their eyes out and her husband looks incredibly frustrated.)

Customer: “Look!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t see anything wrong with your food–”

Customer: “[Child #1] is supposed to eat first, but his food is on the bottom! We won’t be able to get it without moving the other things!”

Me: “I don’t think I understand.”

Customer: “He’s the first person on the left! He has to eat first, or Satan will claim his soul!”

Me: “Uh…”

(I decide to ask counter-clockwise around the table what everyone ordered, and hand them their food out off the pile.)

Customer:, “Oh, thank you! You will serve as a warrior of God someday!”

Me: “…right.”

(That family still shows up once a month or so, and suffice to say, I always run out to see what order they’re sitting in before I serve their food.)

Customer: “…and I’d like extra tomatoes on my sandwich, please.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be [price].”

Customer: “Why is it so expensive?!”

Me: “Well ma’am, you asked for cheese, bacon, and extra tomatoes. All those cost extra on the sandwich because they’re expensive products.”

Customer: “But your policy says that I can have it my way! Why am I being charged?!”

Me: “You can have it your way…you just have to pay for it.”

Me: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Teenage girl #1: “Oh my God… like.. could we talk to the cook?”

Me: “… what?”

Teenage girl #2: “Yeah. Could you go get him?”

Me: “Why?”

Teenage girl #1: “He’s hot.”

Me: “Alright, then.”

(The cook then comes out to talk with them.)

Cook: “Yes?”

Teenage girl #2: “Like… what’re you doing after work?”

Cook: “Going home to see my one month old son and girlfriend.”

Teenage girl #1: “Oh my God, you have a son!? That’s so gross. You’re so young!”

Cook: “This is why you use condoms, kids. Stay in school!”

(I’ve just come in from putting out some trash and notice a woman a few meters behind me, so I decide to wait and hold the door open.)

Female customer: “Excuse me, what are you doing?”

Me: “I’m holding the door op–”

Female customer: “No, you’re being sexist! That’s what you are!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Female customer: “You think that just because I’m a woman I can’t open a door for myself? I’ll have you know that I have been opening doors all my life.”

Me: “I don’t doubt that, ma’am. I was just trying to be polite.”

Female customer: “Pig! I am never going to eat here again!”

(She storms off as my manager, who is also a woman, walks by.)

Manager: “God, that girl needs to get laid!”

(This is at a soup shop where we offer samples.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I try the **** soup?”

Me: “Sure, but be careful – it’s very hot.”

(She proceeds to sip it without grabbing a spoon which is in her line of sight.)

Customer: “OW! That is really hot!”

(She hands it to her 6-year-old son who proceeds to do the same thing she just did.)

Child: “That burned my tongue!”

Customer: “You should warn people that your soup is hot!”

Me: “Would you buy the soup if it was cold?”

Customer: “Absolutely not.”