(I’m presenting at the drive-thru of a well-known franchise. A van full of women in their 30s and 40s pulls up. I hand them their drinks and proceed to make small talk with them while waiting for my runner to finish assembling the meal.)

Me: “So, it’ll be just a moment and your food will be ready!”

(As I talk to the driver, she pulls a weird, thick, peach-colored item from her bag. She and her friends start laughing.)

Driver: “Oh, that’s fine, honey! Take your time!”

Me: “Haha, all…right…”

(Suddenly, I realize what the item is. It’s a phallic-shaped pen.)

Me: “That’s…um. That’s an interesting pen you have there, haha!”

Driver: *waving it around* “Oh yes, isn’t it?”

Me: “Er…yes! Here’s your food! You have a good day, now!”

Driver: “Oh, I don’t think this is big enough, but I’ll try!”

(All the women in the van laugh as they drive off.)

Me: *speechless*

(Every day, we have soups available. When a soup runs out, we take its card out of the display and put in a placeholder that says something like “Warm Goodness” or “Homestyle Delight” just to fill space. The cards very clearly do not look like the rest of the cards since the normal soups have descriptions where the placeholders say “Try our soups today!”)

Customer: “I’d like some of the Warm Goodness.”

Me: “Well that isn’t actually a soup, it’s just a placeholder. We do have several other soups today.”

Customer: “Silly me. I’ll have the Homestyle Delight instead.”

(I’m using the headset for the drive through.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for choosing [restaurant]. Would you like to have one of our celebration specials today?”

Customer: “No. So, do you all still have that celebration special?”

Me: “Yes. Yes, we do…”

Customer: “Does your kids’ chicken finger meal come with toast?”

(The little boy, about ten, looks horrified at the mention of toast.)

Me: “No, ma’am, it doesn’t.”

(The boy’s face immediately lights up with happiness.)

Customer: “Just add a piece of toast, then.”

Boy: “But mom, I don’t like toast!”

Customer: “You don’t know what you like.” *turns to me* “Add the toast.”

Boy: *looks like he’s about to cry*

(This gentleman has just ordered a vanilla cone. My coworker is standing at the window giving it out while I am beside her. He asks an odd question as he is handed his ice cream.)

Customer: “Do you believe in unicorns?”

Coworker: “What?“

Customer: “Doo-dee-doo-dee…”

(He takes the ice cream cone and smashes it onto the top of his head, I’m assuming as to resemble a unicorn horn, and then drives away.)

Me: “Oh, my.”

Coworker: “Did that really just happen?”

(I work at a popular fast food place where cashiers ask for customer’s names so that they can be called when their order is ready. Customers who are members of our loyalty program are called whatever name they registered their card under. A middle aged man approaches.)

Me: *holding back laughter* “Is this the name you want me to call?”

Customer: “Yes, of course!”

(Five minutes pass while his order is being made.)

Coworker: *over the intercom* “Princess Bubblegum, your order is ready!”

(I am sweeping the dining room floor when I am waved over by an elderly couple.)

Me: “Hi, anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, we are heading around the island tomorrow and want to know if this rain will have stopped by then.”

Me: “It will probably still be raining here. However, they only get about 8 inches of rain a year on the other side of the island, so chances are it’ll be sunny.”

Customer: “Can you check the weather tomorrow for me?”

Me: “Um, I don’t have a newspaper or anything, but I could ask the manager to turn the radio on. They give the weather at the top of every hour.”

(Note that it is 9:57 PM.)

Customer: “That will take too long. How about internets?”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have Wi-Fi here, but [coffee shop] does.”

Customer: *irate* “No! Where are the Internets!?”

Me: “Like an internet cafe? The only here is downtown, but it’s already closed.”

Customer: “No! The INTERNETS!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “Fine!” *storms off with his wife in tow*

(I am a manager at a popular fast food restaurant and currently serving customers in the drive thru. I have a headset on to hear what customers are saying at the speaker.)

Coworker: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I just came through here and got small fries, and I got NO ketchup! I want new fries WITH ketchup!”

Coworker: “Okay, sorry about that ma’am. Just pull to the second window and our manager will help you.”
(I prepare the new fries and put them in a bag, and make sure to grab a handful of ketchup packets to accompany them as she comes up to my window.)

Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am! Here you are. The fries just came up!”

Customer: “How can you give someone fries with no ketchup!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am! Have a good day!”

(Thinking that would be the end of ketchupgate, I resume my other regular duties. Ten minutes later, the same woman, now irate, storms into the lobby and up to the counter with her food bag in hand.)

Me: “Hi there, ma’am, is there anything I can help you with?”

(She overturns her empty bag and several unopened ketchup packets spill onto the counter.)

Customer: “You gave me nine ketchup packets for one small fries?!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You gave me NINE KETCHUP PACKETS for ONE small fries! Are you trying to be smart?!”

Me: “Ma’am, didn’t you return to the drive thru for the sole reason of getting ketchup?”

Customer: “But NINE ketchup packets?!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I suppose I just wasn’t aware of how much ketchup you wanted.”

Customer: “I demand to speak with your manager!”

(I look at my uniform and then the surrounding crew members’ uniforms. My uniform is quite clearly different from all others.)

Me: “I am the only manager on duty, ma’am.”

Customer: “YOU’RE the manager?!”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And you gave me NINE packets of ketchup?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well what do you have to say for yourself?”

Me: “I suppose I am pleased to know that I was able to go above and beyond your expectations for ketchup sustenance.”

Customer: *storms off muttering incoherently*

(The customer is four cents short for his order.)

Customer, to friend: “Hey man, do you have a nickel or something?”

Friend: “Yeah man, here.”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. I’ll just get some out of here.”

(He reaches into the tip jar.)

Customer: “Can I just take out four cents from in here?”

Me: “Um, no. That’s actually our tip jar–”

Customer: “Too late. It’s happening.”

Me: *speechless*

(I take orders at a fast food restaurant. We have a secret menu with special type of fry we call “animal style”, which is pretty popular. A customer walks up.)

Me: “Hi, how are you doing today? How may I help you?”

Customer: “I have heard about this secret style french fry you guys make. Could I have one order of french fries, doggy style, please?”

Me: “Um…do you mean animal style fries?”

Customer: *turning red* “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

Related:
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation