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    His Parent’s Can’t Have Been Very Square

    | Australia | Funny Names

    (Our store has a pretty standard loyalty program where customers present their loyalty card and are eligible for various discounts. One day, a young man in his 20s with unkempt hair and several piercings came asked me to cut his fabric.)

    Me: “And do you have a loyalty card?”

    Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have it on me. Can you look me up in the system?”

    Me: “Sure! What was the last name on the card?”

    Customer: “‘M-Squared.’ All one word.”

    Me: “Umm… Okay, sure. And what was the first name?”

    Customer: “Oh, that is my first name. I don’t have a last name.”

    Me: “…Okay, let me search for you.”

    (Remarkably enough, there was an ‘msquared’ in the system!)

    Cutting Off Human Contact

    | LA, USA | Bizarre

    Customer: “I need two yards of this, but first, can you cut some off the end where people have been touching it?”

    Trying To Use Yards Is Too Much Of A Feet For Some

    | Gladstone, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement, Math & Science

    (I am picking up some fabric at a large craft store. I am waiting in line to have it cut. A very loud customer cuts in front of everyone to ask about a bolt of fabric she’s carrying.)

    Customer #1: “How much is this fabric?”

    Employee: “It’s $9.99 per yard, ma’am.”

    Customer #1: “I don’t want to know how much per yard. I want to know how much per foot!”

    Employee: “That would be a third of a yard. So, it would be $3.33.”

    Customer #1: “No! Not one third of a yard! ONE FOOT! How much per foot does it cost?!”

    (Another customer in line decides to interject.)

    Customer #2: “One third of a yard is a foot. Three feet make one yard. So it’s $3.33 per foot.”

    Customer #1: “Who asked you!? You don’t even work here! What do you f****** know?!”

    Employee: “Ma’am, please watch your language. Also, [Customer #2] is correct. Now if you’ll please take a number, I’ll help you when it’s your turn.”

    (Customer #1 throws the bolt of fabric on the counter.)

    Customer #1: “I’ll need two five-foot pieces for my curtains. Exactly five foot. I measured twice!”

    Employee: “Ma’am, you need to take a number. All of these people were here before you.”

    (All the other customers agree that the employee should just go ahead and help the customer so that she will leave.)

    Employee: “Okay. You want three and one third yards in two pieces. So, that would be one yard and .65 of a yard.”

    (The employee mumbles to herself as she tries to figure out how much the last .65 would be.)

    Customer #1: “No! I’m not paying for yards! I f****** want two pieces of fabric, five-feet long each! Why is that so hard for you to understand!?”

    Customer #2: “Because, you stupid cow, fabric is sold by the yard, not by the foot! So her measurements are by the yard. That’s how she has to price it. By the way, if your windows are exactly 5 ft tall, how are you going to hem them and run a curtain rod through them?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to sew them. Not that it’s any of your f****** business! I’m going to cut holes in them and run those little plastic rings through the holes.”

    (Sure enough, the customer has two packs of white plastic SHOWER rings in her cart, and a long pressure SHOWER rod.)

    Customer #2: “Those are for a shower curtains! But, sure; you do that. I’m sure it will look freaking spectacular with your ghetto neon purple curtains.”

    (The employee starts unrolling the fabric and measures out the pieces. Then she folds it up and prints the label which she then pins to the fabric.)

    Customer #1: “ARGH! You’ve just f****** ruined it! Now it has a pinhole in it! I’m not paying for that! You cut me two new pieces and don’t put no d*** pins in it!”

    (At this, yet another customer feels the need to interject.)

    Customer #3: “Oh, my god, lady! There won’t be any holes in it! That’s fleece! They always put a pin in the label to hold it on there!”

    (The customer storms off, taking the fabric with her. As I’m as seamstress for a local renaissance festival, I’m in this store quite a lot. I witness the customer in there again three days later. She is complaining to a manager about the width of the fabric for her curtains, which now have holes cut in the top and those little shower rings put through.)

    Customer #1: “This fabric is not wide enough! She cut it the wrong way!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, first off we do not do returns on cut fabric unless it was not cut to your measurements. And second, that fabric was not cut in width, it was cut in length. It comes 45 inches wide on the bolt.”

    Customer #1: “Well, I don’t want it 45 inches wide. I want it wider! So it will hang right on the walls.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, as I’ve said, it only comes in 45 inches wide. I can’t help you with that. It was already cut, AND you’ve cut holes in it.”

    Customer #1: “No, no. The woman cut it sideways! I watched her do it! She just didn’t know what she was doing. She didn’t even know how to do feet, she wanted to do it in yards.”

    Me: *to the manager* “Miss, I saw the whole thing the other day. The employee definitely cut it properly, and exactly how this customer wanted it. And, yes, she measured it in feet after the customer insisted she do so.”

    Customer #1: “No one is f****** talking to you, b****!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Please do not come back to this store. Ever!”

    Customer #1: “You’re f****** right, I’m not coming back! You pieces of s*** don’t know how to cut s*** properly!”

    (Customer #1 throws the fabric in the trash on the way out the door, while mumbling about employees with their head up their a**. The manager pulls the fabric out of the trash.)

    Manager: “Does anyone want three yards of neon purple fleece fabric with shower curtain rings!?”

    Less Charge, Less Thanks

    | TN, USA | Crazy Requests

    (A coworker and I have just set up the sales sign in the store. We are discussing which signs are going to give us the most problems.)

    Coworker: “The ones up front say everything is 30% off, but when I scanned it at the till, it’s 50% off.”

    Me: “At least it’s not the other way around. Someone can have a pleasant surprise at the register.”

    Manager: “Did you two see any of the signs for up front?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, I put up the ones corporate sent us.”

    Manager: “Did they say 50% off?”

    Coworker: “No, they all said 30% off, but everything is ringing up at 50% off.”

    Manager: “Oh. I just had a lady accuse me of false advertising.”

    Coworker: “What? But she got the 50% off. Why would she complain? She got a better deal than the sign said.”

    Manager: “I’m going to go make new signs…”

    A Fight Between Black-Felts

    | NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Top

    (I am a 17-year-old male. I’ve recently become interested in learning how to make stuffed animals. I decide to make a stuffed animal for my sister, and go to the local fabric store for some felt and materials.)

    Me: “Hi, can I get black, white, orange, and yellow felt please?”

    Cashier: “Of course! What for, if I may ask?”

    Me: “I’m going to attempt to make a stuffed animal for my sister; wish me luck!”

    Cashier: “Aw, that’s so sweet!”

    (The cashier hands me the black, white, and orange felt.)

    Cashier: “You’ve got the last black felt, but let me check to see if we have any more yellow.”

    (The cashier goes to the back. An elderly customer comes in, and snatches the black felt out of my hands.)

    Me: “Hey! I need that!”

    Elderly Customer: “No, you don’t. What would a stupid kid like you need this for?”

    Me: “I have my reasons. Can I please get that back?”

    Elderly Customer: “I need this more than you do. I bet you don’t even know how to sew; you’re a boy.”

    (The cashier comes back.)

    Cashier: “We’re all out of yellow, but we have—hey, why does she have the black felt?”

    Elderly Customer: “I need it more than this brat!”

    Me: “She grabbed it from me. Theoretically I could just cut up an old T-shirt or someth—”

    (The cashier snatches the felt from the woman.)

    Cashier: “Give me this.”

    Elderly Customer: “WHAT WOULD SOME TEENAGER NEED THAT FOR?!”

    Cashier: “He’s making a stuffed animal for his sister; now get out before I throw you out.”

    (The elderly customer grumbles and leaves.)

    Me: “Thank you so much.”

    Cashier: “Honestly, I don’t know why that woman keeps coming back. Good luck on your stuffed animal; come back and show it to me!”

    Me: “I’ll be sure to!”

    (The stuffed animal came out great; I hope my sister loves it!)

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