Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

(Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her Magnavox TV.)

Me: “Yes, what about it?”

Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

Customer: “No lights come on, is there a battery in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

(A few minutes later, she calls back.)

Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on…hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says “Remove Before Using”? Should I take that out?”

Me: *major facepalm* “Yes ma’am. ”

Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

(Not surprisingly, the lady calls back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Ok, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a hand written receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back, I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point customer gets very loud and starts throwing oranges around the store. Someone calls the police and he is eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

Me: *notices woman walking into store* “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I see you have two DVDs for 10 dollars.”

Me: “Actually ma’am, that sale ended yesterday.”

Customer: “Well, I have to buy some for my son for Christmas, so maybe you can be a doll and ring them up for me for that price.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that sale ended yesterday.”

Customer: “What difference is it to you the price you sell these DVD’s at?!”

Me: “My job…”

Customer: “How about it I give you $5.00?”

Me: “…sure.”

(I go and ring up the two DVDs, and take the woman’s money. With the five dollars she gave me, this adds up to the normal retail price so she’s saved nothing.)

Me: “Have a happy holiday, ma’am.”

Customer: *winks at me*

(Customer calls requesting a cable.)

Customer: “Hi. I am trying to connect my iPod to my stereo.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have a receiver, a small shelf system, or a boombox?”

Customer: “It’s a smaller stereo.”

Me: “Okay. Do you have a small plug that looks like a headphone plug that is labeled AUX, Audio IN, or anything of the sort?”

Customer: “Yes, there is a small round plug that says AUX.”

Me: “Okay, that’s easy. All you need is a 3.5mm male-to-male RCA cable.”

Customer: “Male-to-male as in boy-to-boy.”

Me, knowing what is coming next and not caring: “Yes, it is just referring to whether it is a plug or a receptor of a plug.”

Customer: “Well, you are just disgusting!”

Me: “Sorry ma’am, that is just an industry standard term.”

Customer: “That is just one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard!”

Me: “Sounds good.”

Customer: *hangs up*

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I wanna know if you have any Y’s (pronounced “why”) in stock?”

Me: “Y’s? I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “The Y’s! You know, the Y’s!”

Me: “You mean the Wii?”

Customer: “Yea, whatever.”

(On Black Friday…when EVERYTHING is on sale.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Hey, can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to know what’s on sale today.”

Me: “Well, it depends on what system. You see, the DS only has three games on sale, while the XBOX has about 10. Not to mention, almost every console is running some sort of deal.”

Customer: “No, I meant the secret sales.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “The stuff in the catalog.”

Me: “Oh, that’s all posted.”

Customer, suddenly angry: “It better not be!”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “Because I looked online for those sales.”

Me: “What’s your point?”

Customer: “Because I wouldn’t have done that if I’d known it was public!”

Me: “The point of a sale is to make it public.”

Customer: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER YOU A**HOLE!”

Customer: “I want a computer where I can type in Russian and it will print in English.”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we don’t have Russian keyboards.”

Customer: “No, that’s fine. I’ll just tape Russian letters on.”

Me: “Sir, it will still be an English keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay, so what if I glue the letters on?”

Me: *thunk thunk thunk* “Still English.”

(Working as a manager for a retail electronics business, I have a customer come in with a DVD player in a box, opened)

Customer: “This DVD player doesn’t work. It won’t play my DVDs. Can I get an exchange?”

Me: “Well, lets see if we can get it to work.”

(I take the DVD player over to the AV wall and quickly hook it up to our system. Under 30 seconds to do so, the customer in tow)

Me: “Oh, here’s the problem. It seems that the disc somehow ended up upside down in the DVD player.”

(I flip the DVD over without even looking at the disc or anything and push it back in, turning back to the customer)

Customer: “Oh great! I knew something wasn’t quite ri…”

(Suddenly, coming up on all my TVs, blaring through the sound system that is usually playing a music DVD, comes blasting ‘Bow Chicka-Bow Bow!’ and a rather grotesque scene of cheesy porn. I think it is the fastest I have ever moved, because by the time the first customer turned around to see what was going on, I had the AV cables yanked)

Customer: “Uh… That’s where that went! Heh…” *VERY sheepish look*

Me: “Okay, all fixed. Need me to help put this back in the box for you?”

Customer: “No, thanks. I can do it. Thank you for all your help.”

(I guess I wasn’t quick enough or just the sheer recognition of the music line, because I had two customers laughing very hard and one old lady who walked out very fast)