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    Don’t Forget To Stock Up On Salmon Cartridges

    | Hagerstown, MD, USA | Technology

    (A customer is sent back to my department to find ink for her printer.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Do you need black or color?”

    Customer: “I need cayenne.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know which color you mean. We have cyan; that’s a light blue.”

    Customer: “No, I need cayenne. You know, like a peppery red.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t believe we have that color.”

    (The customer bends over to get a closer look at the ink.)

    Customer: “Hmmm, margarine.” *looking at the magenta* “Yellow…I don’t see cayenne.”

    Me: “Are you sure you don’t mean cyan? It kinda sounds like cayenne.”

    Customer: “No, I need red. My printer is out of red. Why wouldn’t you carry red ink?!” *walks out of the store before I can explain further*

    It Never Hurts To Ask…And Ask…And Ask

    , | Ontario, Canada | Technology

    Customer: “I need help finding a cord to plug my printer into my computer. It’s a [printer] and a Mac computer.”

    Me: “Well, all printer cables are universal these days, so I’ll show you where they are.”

    (We go to the cable aisle.)

    Me: “This is the cable you’ll need. It comes in two different lengths.”

    Customer: “This is the one I need?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Just like that?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “You just know this is the cable I need?”

    Me: “Yes, they are all the same.”

    Customer: “How do you know?”

    Me: “Because all the cables are made the same. This square part goes in the printer, and this part goes in your computer.”

    Customer: “And you just know this is the right one?”

    Me: “Yes, there is only one kind.”

    Customer: “And you’re sure?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “How?”

    Me: “Because they are all universal.”

    Customer: “But how do you know that?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Maybe because I work here?”

    Customer: “Well, if this isn’t the right one, I’ll be bringing it back!”

    Transactions For Dummies

    | Florida, USA | Money

    (I am working the register at a well-known video game store, when a customer approaches with a stack of games and his son.)

    Me: “That will be $87.96.”

    Customer: “Here.” *gives me a gift card worth $25*

    Me: *processes gift card* “Your balance is $62.96.”

    Customer: “What do you I do now?”

    Me: “You give me more money.”

    Customer: “Oh, sorry. I have never been here before…”

    Why Tech Support Needs Hazard Pay

    , | Alberta, Canada | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (We don’t have a tech support team of any kind at our store. However, since I have my certifications to do, I often perform simple repairs for customers if it’s not busy. On this particular day, a gentleman walks into the store with his laptop looking panicky.)

    Customer: “Hey, can you fix my computer?”

    Me: “I suppose. What seems to be happening?”

    Customer: “I can’t back up my iPhone. I keep getting an error message.”

    Me: “I’ll have a look for you.”

    (I turn on the laptop, plug in his phone and get an error message saying that there isn’t enough drive space. He has 16.8MB of space left on a 500GB drive. I check to see what’s clogging up all his drive space and find that almost EVERY file on his drive is very strange, deviant pornography.)

    Me: “Sir…your hard drive is full of porn.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “That’s why you can’t back up your iPhone. You don’t have enough room.”

    Customer: “I’m not sure I follow.”

    Me: “Sir, you have too much porn on your hard drive. If you delete some of it, you’ll have enough room for the files on your iPhone.”

    Customer: *beginning to panic even further* “But I can’t delete it! I need it! I NEED IT ALL!”

    Me: “Um, okay…” *I grab a USB drive off the shelf* “This is a flash drive. You can move some of your files on to it and then you’ll have room to back up your iPhone.”

    Customer: “Can you show me how? I’m not good with this tech stuff.”

    (I ring the flash drive through the till. He pays for it and I move a bunch of his files over to the thumb drive.)

    Me: “There you go, sir. Now you can back up your iPhone.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Um, can I get a few more of those flash…thingies?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (He grabs four more 16GB drives, pays for them, and hurriedly leaves the store.)

    Shades Of Stupid

    | New Zealand | Extra Stupid

    (A customer comes in with a DVD player and several DVD movies.)

    Customer: “My DVD player is not working properly. I borrowed some DVDs from a friend, and some of them aren’t playing in color.”

    Me: “Which ones are you having the troubles with?”

    Customer: “These.” *points at a bunch of black and white movies*

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