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    Too Fast, Too Furious

    | BC, Canada | One-Liners, Technology

    (A customer calls into our store, and my coworker answers the phone. I’m listening to the conversation.)

    Coworker: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a manual for my cordless phone. Do you sell them at your store?”

    Coworker: “We don’t sell the manuals, unfortunately. You could probably find it online though.”

    Customer: “That will be too much work. Just sell me one of yours!”

    Coworker: “What’s the model number?”

    (My coworker proceeds to look up the manual on a common internet search engine.)

    Coworker: “If you want us to print out a copy of the manual for you, it will be five cents a page. You can pick it up in the store.”

    Customer: “You don’t have the manual!”

    Coworker: “I do, ma’am. I just found it online.”

    Customer: “No, you didn’t. It didn’t take you long enough!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m looking right at it! Would you like us to print you off a copy?”

    Customer: “You don’t have the manual! That was too fast! I can’t believe your lack of customer service!”

    (The customer hangs up.)

    Me: “What just happened?”

    Coworker: “Stupid happened.”

    A Sim-ple Solution

    | East Bakersfield, CA, USA | Technology, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m in line at technical support to get my laptop fixed. A very rude and impatient customer cuts me, and slams his phone down on the counter.)

    Me: “Excuse me! You just cut me.”

    Rude Customer: *ignoring me* ” You son of a b****! You were supposed to fix my phone eight days ago! What’s with this bull-s***!”

    Tech Support: “Sir, we told you; there is nothing wrong with the phone. You just don’t have a sim-card in there.”

    Rude Customer: “Bull-s***! I put in a sim-card, and it still doesn’t work!”

    Tech Support: “Okay, then. If I see that there is no sim-card, you’re going to apologize to the woman you cut, apologize to me, and get out of my store before I plant my foot so far up your a**, that your grandchildren get the mark.”

    (The technician takes the phone and opens the back cover. He starts to laugh.)

    Rude Customer: “What’s so f****** funny?!”

    Tech Support: “GET. OUT. NOW.”

    (The 6’1, 227 lb, tech stands up. He takes his glasses off, and puts them on the counter.)

    (The rude customer turns white, then turns to me.)

    Rude Customer: “Sorry!”

    (The customer literally makes a run out the store, while leaving his phone behind. The technician sits back down and acts as though nothing happened.)

    Mostly Crazy, Not So Good

    | FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store] tech support. This is [my name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. My stopped working. Can I get it replaced free?”

    Me: “When did you purchase it?”

    Caller: “[Date].”

    (I collect his information and locate his purchase and warranty in our database.)

    Me: “You’re still within the 90 day warranty. What seems to be the problem with it?”

    Caller: “We can’t put the game discs in.”

    Me: “You mean some piece of the internal hardware is blocking the disc slot?”

    Caller: “No. Last night we were having a party. My roommate got pretty drunk and thought the [game console] was the toaster, and he shoved a Pop-Tart in the slot. We can’t get it out.”

    Me: “…You have a Pop-Tart stuck in the slot.”

    Caller: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I’m afraid that isn’t covered under the warranty, sir.”

    Caller: “It isn’t?”

    Me: “No. Only manufacturer defects are covered. Damage caused by the customer is not covered.”

    Caller: “S***. I guess I don’t need to ask about the Blu-Ray player, then?”

    Acting Like A Print-cess

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer comes in pulling a suitcase on wheels.)

    Customer: “My daughter told me that if I bring in my old computer and my printer, I can trade my computer for an iPad, and you’ll set it up with my printer.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t do trade-ins here, but I can show you how to get the paperwork started online.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, never mind. Just let me buy the iPad, and set up this f****** printer.”

    Me: “Alright, so, just to let you know, we don’t sell this printer here. None of us are going to be trained on it, but I’ll be happy to take a look, and see if we can get it up and running for you.”

    Customer: “No! F*** that, I have lost my patience! I am a member of Mensa! Get me someone intelligent to talk to!”

    Me: “I can get you someone else, but I can tell you, no one else is going to be trained on that printer either. Like I said, I can definitely give it a shot; we may be able to figure it out.”

    Customer: “My daughter is an engineer. She told me you would take this piece of s*** laptop, and help me set the printer up.”

    Me: “And I’m definitely going to do my best to set up the printer, but we don’t have the proper equipment here to recycle your old machine; I’m sorry.”

    (The customer finally agrees. After half an hour, we have the printer up and running with her new iPad. She calms considerably. As she is leaving, she is on the phone to her daughter.)

    Customer: “They got my printer working! And I only used the f-word once!”

    Kicking Off Over A Kicking Off

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Wild & Unruly

    (I am cashing out a couple who is buying a laptop and some anti-virus software. We have a deal; if you purchase a computer, your anti-virus will be free for six months or $20 for one year. One of the store managers is coaching me.)

    Me: “So, would you like six months of free anti-virus or one year for $20?”

    Customer: “The guy back there told us it was $17!”

    Manager: “No, it is actually $20.”

    Customer: “SO HE LIED?!”

    Manager: “Seems like he did.”

    Customer: “I’M GOING TO GO BACK THERE AND KICK HIS A**!”

    Manager: “Go ahead.”

    (The customer, her husband, and I are all taken aback.)

    Customer: “…Really?”

    Manager: “Actually, let me go get him.”

    (My manager leaves my register, and heads to our computer department. The customer’s wife is now laughing while the husband starts to sweat.)

    Customer: “Is he coming back? I was just joking! I still want the one year. I’m sorry! I was just joking!”

    (The couple quickly pays and leaves before the manager comes back to my register.)

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